The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've apparently gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or something. I'm just kind of aching over my son right now.
I just feel like it's such a hopeless situation today, and that I just have to "endure" another day. I'm kind of tired of enduring. I'd like to do a little living.
It's funny how one day I can really be working my program and the next just be overwhelmed by the whole situation. He hasn't even done anything this morning that would contribute to this funk that I'm in. It's just the sheer magnitude of the situation. He's not even actively drinking (that I know of) at this time, although he hasn't found anything that would resemble recovery.
It's more his sheer meanness of late - his complete delight in tormenting those around him. His complete self-centerdness - that it's all about him. That we can't make noise when he is in the house or he will "punish" us. There are some days I'm able to just go about my business and do what I need to do and there are also days when I'm just feeling like a complete and utter failure as a mother, and it consumes me. Unfortunately, today is one of those days.
I really want to take hold of the "I didn't cause it". I really want to be able to detach with love. There's a part of me that just wants him to go away. Another part that just wants him to get better. It's so confusing and overwhelming today. I don't know how it's possible to love and hate someone so much at the same time. I don't even know that I feel hate towards him, just so much frustration, I think. I know I hate the behavior.
I don't think we've had a civil conversation in months. We sort of just clash or avoid each other. (Well, I avoid him and any confrontation as he sits in the living room on the computer lording himself over the whole household) My little dictator...oh joy.
I know that I'm not in the best frame of mind today and I figured I'd better start by sharing it on here than taking it out on anyone. So, although I hate it when I "whine", I guess I just did anyhow. It's just that sometimes it's really hard to paste on that smile and pretend everything is all hunkey dorey when it just plain isn't.
I know how you feel. Sometimes it just piles up on you or I also think sometimes we just can feel something coming or know things we don't really know, if you know what I mean.
Can you just put it all aside? Just tell yourself that your feelings are vaild and it is normal that you feel it but you don't want to today and just push it away. Choose not to. Get out and do something else? Take care of yourself and try to just let it go.
I know these are things you know and I'm just starting out here so I'm not sure if it helps at all but I guess it is always nice to know that you are understood and not alone.
It is strange how you can be working the program and reach serenity and you think 'hey this works, it really, really works!' and then in the next moment it can be gone. I used to think that serenity was the goal - the top of the hill and once I got there I would be enlightened and would have made it. Consequently when I did reach it I would silently pray 'don't let it go, don't let it leave me' as if I were in danger of slipping back down off that hill. But now I see it a bit differently - serenity - peace of mind - these are things I must actively work for - every moment - every day. In a weird way, this was a relief to me. I stopped being so desperate to hold on to it when I reached serenity.
Good luck with today. I hope you find a way to let it go and detach. Sometimes that can be the hardest thing to do in the world.
Thank you for sharing. It doesn't sound like "whining" to me LOL those are valid frustrations and we all have a right to feel them some days. No matter what our little self centered dictators think. To be honest I have found it much more a benefit to me to vent here than to him, positive feedback and experiences shared are better than anger or more confusion for my serenity.
I remember one time being asked/told to not make so much noise. Instead of feeling bad for a change I actually said I need to live too. My husband works nights so sometimes his noise concerns are valid but I don't and I do need to live in my house during the day!
When I wake up on the wrong side of the bed it used to make my whole day a burden. At some point I decided that maybe my mood was my HP letting me know it is time to work my program to a new level, sounds so easy .... it's not but I keep moving along anyhow
I hope your rough morning turns into a smooth day! Take care.
I am sorry you are having a rough morning. I know your day will get better; trust in that.
It's tough when we come to our serenity and understanding only to have it undermined by letting our doubts and fears come sliding back. It's sooo normal. I think what I have striven for, and have largely accomplished, is to have the serene times outnumber the bad and doubtful times. I think the longer we work at it the more the balance is tipped in our direction.
Keep yourself occupied. Go for lunch. Call a friend. Go shopping. Emmerse yourself in your work. This feeling will pass.
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
