The material presented
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I am so glad to have been directed towards this site and have already learned so many things about my past and current behavior. I am just coming to terms with the fact that my husband in an alcoholic. I am going through the whole grieving thing now in the middle of final exams. I clearly missed many signs and apparently so did professional therapists we have gone to see for relationship problems in the past. I am now realizing that many if not most of the problems we have had center around his drinking and the effects of that drinking. I am terrified that I have been in such denial. I like many other who know him thought he would just grow out of his drinking and smoking behaviors.
His drinking finally got to a point where I could no longer take it -- many late nights, ignoring my calls, slurring words, puking, snoring, rude behavior, stumbling, sleep talking/walking. I am in school so I too have many late nights so I was usually up when he came home. That stopped when he started coming home at 4 or 5AM. I was miserable and started putting the pressure on him. He would get angry and resentful and usually use that as an excuse to go back out drinking. He would blame me for just being miserable and unhappy in my own life which is completely untrue -- another manipultion. I am overburdened with family problems, but overall happy with myself, my accomplishments and my friends. Of course he would say that my complaints had nothing to do with him because all he does is give give give. I do agree that he has a great job and salary and often does nice little things for me. BUT, these things do not make up for all the pain, frustration, hurt, fear and anxiety that come with his drinking.
I found myself taking a lot of the blame for his behavior because I have been so busy in school that he must feel lonely. That has to be the reason he is going out so much. Of course that is NOT the case. I realize now he is an alcoholic plain and simple. It is so hard to stomach because I have been planning a life with this man and hoping to have children soon. He wants children too. I keep telling him that this is not an environment I would want to bring children into. He gets furious and says "No kidding!" It is like he is blaming me for making him drink. Sometimes he says it is a relationship issue and not a drinking issue. As if the relationship was good, then he wouldn't be behaving the way he is behaving. I know this to not be true, but there was a time that I did almost believe him.
The final straw was one night I sacrificed my school work to go out to an event with him. He is so addicted to acohol that he couldn't even wait 30 minutes for me to get ready. He had to go to the bar to meet some friends while I got ready. He was already slurring his words by the time I was done. He sensed my anger and then turned it on me. He was then pissed because of my bad attitude. The rest of the evening was ruined for me. He was obnoxious and thought he was funny. When I wasn't laughing he got furious and starting blowing his cigarette smoke right near me and ignored that fact that he was blocking my view.
Later as he got increasingly drunk, I got chastized for not being on the same team. Why would you act that way if we are going to spend a life together? Blah! Blah! BlaH! Then he had to control the evening by telling me that HE wanted to go home. Of course I never wanted to be there in the first place. On the walk home we got into a screaming match because he couldn't understand why one night I didn't get him something to eat when he had just had dental work. First of all, I had a terrible night because my mom was sick again and my best friend was venting about her own father's illness. By the time I got off the phone is was too late to order anything and I didn't feel like cooking. Plus, he didn't come home for dinner because he went out drinking, but expected me to have food for him waiting because he said that is what he would do for me.
We argued for another 2 hours and then he ended the fight by saying that we needed to "flip the switch" on this relationship. He wanted a divorce. To be honest, I agree if things are going to stay the same. Can you believe that I wasn't ready to come to terms with is alcoholism yet? I bit and went into complete freak out and tried to make ammends. I haven't been sleeping, eating and have been crying a lot. We have been down this road twice before. The common denominator is always me complaining about his drinking and behavior associated with it. That always pushes him to want to separate. I don't think he sees this connection since I have just figured it out myself.
Luckily I am in counseling and for the first time I have a professional who sees the light even when I might not. My husband went with me to the psychologist and told her he only loved me in a certain way. WTF? How can you love someone a few weeks before and then totally turn off. I am guessing it is another manipultion or a way to have control so that he leaves me and not the other way around. He did admit to drinking too much. She urged him to get help. He went drinking the next 2 nights and has been sober since. I am more on edge than ever and I just can't explain it. Just when I get feeling better he does something like sends me an email about separation planning. I know he has to be sick because the man I know would NEVER send me a note like that during my final exams or frankly a note like that ever!
Since then, I am getting mixed messages. He is reaching out to hear what I have to say and he seems to agree with what I am saying about his drinking. This is very different to the way he acted before the psychologist talked to him. Plus, he is home early every night and is not drinking, but shows no true signs towards a reconciliation and hasn't gotten professional help. I wish he wouldn't try to stop drinking on his own.
I am just afraid that if he forces the separation instead of trying to work on this together, then I will never be able to forgive him. I am terrified and crying every day. My life will change a lot since my salary will be much lower (I will struggle) and I haven't ever lived alone. I guess I am not scared to be alone because I know it is better than living the way I was living. We have been together for 13 years so our lives are quite intertwined. I think that minus the drinking he is a wonderful loving caring person and it will be so awful to lose him and my hopes and dreams to this disease. I already lost a brother to addiction.
I am so thankful because I know with all the support I will get out of this one way or another and be healthier for it. Thank you so much for "listening" to this long post. I really had to get it out.
Welcome - you are at the right place. This will help you. Also go to Al-anon meetings if you can. It will help you unmeasurably.
The arguments you describe remind me a lot about the ones I had with my A before I found out about al-anon, alcoholism etc. What was such a relief to me was to let go of those arguments and realize that they were total bunk. Of course you can't make sense of it. Of course they are not rational. Anything he says in an alcohol fog you can just immediately release. It isn't real.
I lost so much time and energy trying to make sense of his argument and trying to twist myself into a pretzel to please him and avoid the arguments. But it didn't matter - I was never going to be able to please him because the real problem was his drinking.
What you got to do now is just realize deeply and profoundly that you will be okay and so will he. Moreover - you have found the tools to help guide you through it. You will still have a lot of ups and downs and there are a lot of unknowns that can haunt you but it helps if you can just trust the process and stop worrying about what the results will be. Whether you end up together or not it will be the right thing and you will be ready for it when the time comes. It was only when I was able to do this - and let go of all of the worrying and trying to fix things - I mean really let go and realize that I would be okay even if we weren't together that miraculously things improved in ways I never thought possible. The biggest change was inside of me but it also had a very positive effect on my alcoholic. These turmoltuous times are still very fresh and to be honest I don't really trust that this calm will last. I still am sort of waiting for it all to start off again and have to remind myself that even if it does I have the tools to be able to deal with it.
It really helps me to put trust in a higher power - to know that there is a plan and I don't have to 'do' anything. A flower blooms without human intervention, the seasons change, rivers flow into the ocean. All you must do is to calmly sit back and try to deal with each moment with dignity and love and the rest will sort itself out.
I know you want to fix it for your husband - but only he can do that.
Detachment - that slippery concept - helped me so much. And when you can detach with love you will find peace.
Good luck with this and with your final exams. I hope you can find some inner peace and are able to set this all aside knowing that there is a way out of it and much better days lie ahead for you. This too shall pass.
Welcome to MIP! Thank you for sharing. You wrote so many things that reminded me of my own situation a few months ago. There are no easy answers, I know the tools I was able to learn and make a part of my life in Alanon have saved my sanity. Keep coming back!
Tears streaming . . . thank you so much for responding. I woke up hoping someone would write back. I don't feel so alone or crazy. I will keep coming back. When I get some time I will try to find a local Alanon chapter.
Yes, everything seems so chaotic. I am telling him that I can't go on like this and then he is the one pushing for divorce. Then he says you are right, it is time to get sober and then he stops drinking, but 1 week later sends me a cold heartless email about how much money is willing to give me in the separation. WHO IS THIS PERSON???? Then the next day he is wanting to watch a movie, have dinner together, etc. If I am separating from someone then why would I want to spend time with them? I don't get it. He wants to hear what I have to say about his drinking and asked me to send him some info b/c he knows I am now doing the online alanon thing. He even set up my IRC for the alanon chat even though I didn't ask him to. He says that he knows he is so lucky to have me so why would he want to get rid of me and the relationship? It is all so confusing.
I honestly don't know how I am going to get through this, but I have no choice. I also have to believe there is a reason for all this or everything seems so hopeless.
Hi Sunny and welcome to the group! I didn't want to be here and refused to accept that substance abuse was causing chaos in my life and my kid's lives. I know now that I don't have to let someone else take away my serenity. I am starting to realize that my serenity might be more valuable than financial security or "being right" or many other things that I thought I valued. take care and keep reading- my only advise (and we shouldnot give advise--really) is keep working on you. You will be very unhappy with yourself if you fail school because of this relationship. Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Unfortunately we get the whole ball of wax - the alcoholic and the great person we married. Your story sounds like mine. Keep coming back to MIP and to f2f meetings if you can. You have alot on your plate with an active A and school. School is so very important because it is about bettering yourself. My A said he wanted a divorce as I was studying for my comps. Somehow I made it through without his support. His next move last year was to move out. I was so upset with him last night that I cried myself to sleep. Not very mature on my part but definitely real. But this morning I dusted off my diploma and thought - you did good. In my situation it meant a raise. It also meant that if my A follows through on this latest divorce threat than I know I can be self-sufficient. I have been alone alone for a year. It is doable. Boundaries help, friends help, asking for help, helps. You are worth it.
hate to hear about the active disease in your life, sad memories of dealing with active alcoholism/addiction . . .
Acceptance of this disease helped me process many of the things you are dealing with. I have the Acceptance card taped on my desk to read often so that I remember. .
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, Happens in our Higher Power's world by mistake; Unless I accept life completely on life's terms I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.
Accepting that our "a" is exactly where they need to be is so very difficult. . . they have a life to live, a story to tell, taking care of me and stepping out of the way; allows their HP the ability to work as they need it -
Remember it is not your fault that he has a disease, that causes him to drink - You can't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it . . .
keeping you in my thoughts & prayers for your recovery, finals, etc. . .
Rita G.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Keep Looking uP! Keep Coming Back Let Go and Let God
Your in my thoughts and my prayers for strength. Please know that living with Hope to change yourself to more healthier ways of thinking and caring for yourself will bring about change for You. For your Inner Self. Inside, where HP Is always there for you and will always be there to Guide and Comfort You.
((BigHugSUNNY))) ** WORK IT BECAUSE YOUR WORTH IT!! **
