The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The focus of todays reading is how detrimental gossip is for us in recovery. There are several sentences that jumped out at me from todays page:
Gossip created a judgmental atmosphere in which I did not feel free to be myself. I have thought (often in hindsight, after having contributed to gossip) that for me this can be trying to get a laugh, or be who I think others are expecting me to be in a given situation. Either way, not true to myself and hiding behind words that were not meaningful, but mean.
When I gossiped about another, I avoided feeling and looking at my own life. it can be so easy to cast opinions and judgements of other people, all while completely avoiding whatever is happening for me at the time!
Today I avoid gossip, and in doing so I keep from being controlling and judgmental this is where I want to be. Some days I recognize gossip and steer clear of it. Other times Im right back at it and then look back and see my part in harmful behavior.
I can see that gossip is harmful to others- its me meddling in other peoples business with my opinions and judgements. I am now able to see a little clearer that it is also harmful to me. Gossip clouds who I really am.
I hope everyone enjoys their day, whether it involves football or not!
I grew up in a settlement close to a small town. It is no longer really a small town. We can picture it as a shanghai la- where everyone pitched in and helped out. But gossip was an epidemic- and kept everyone other place. I recall my first Alanon meeting like my first day at school. This older member stabbed the air with her finger and said: "when one finger is pointing there are three pointing back at ya!"
This member became a double winner- and so on and so on. I am tempted to career into gossip at this point. I worked for the family for a while.
On the other hand I believe it is okay to talk about people- often in general terms- like how is Ruth getting on. "Do you still see Tony at meetings?" if the person is known to both speakers. But there is a boundary, especially around personal sharing.
Participation is the key to harmony.
[You might disagree- with what I said- or some aspect. If so, I am happy for you to say so.]
Thank you Mary for your service, and David for your share!
I was never much of a gossiper. That doesn't mean I haven't participated. I think as human beings, we all will do it from time to time. However, early on in my life - I think around high school age - I began to see that gossip can actually hurt another... and I was wise enough to know (Is that even possible - a wise teenager! ) that there is always more to the story than what you hear, or what you are spreading... so I began to curb that behavior in myself. I do think that gossip tends to survive by making the one who gossips feel better about themselves!
Today, I tend to have a posse with me composed of like-minded people. Oh, I come in contact with gossipers... and I may hang with them for awhile (mostly b/c the group does), but as I heal, I find that I decline invitations that include the gossipers. If I just can't decline (b/c of desire to participate in event), I just use this line when the whole conversation is driven by gossip... "Oh, you know that's just gossip... there is always more to the story. What about ______________ subject?" It tends to work most of the time.
Have a great Sunday MIP Family!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I do agree. Theres a difference between asking for someone out of politeness/caring and wanting to step over to someone else lane!
as a teacher- there are times when venting that it slides over to gossip about how someone else might manage their classroom or interact w students. It is not a good practice! And again, I would say harmful to the gossiper as well as the gossipee!
Good day all - happy Sunday and happy Super Bowl Day!!! I lived for gossip, drama and a bit of chaos BR (Before Recovery). I can't stand gossip now in any way, shape or form! If someone does not give me permission, I have no authority to share about them - good or bad news - illness updates, wedding/baby plans, etc. I am a very private person and am very cautious who I share what with, just because too many people live vicariously through others (using gossip)...
I got into a small car accident a few years ago, and reached out to someone in recovery - simply because they lived closest to the accident. All I needed was a ride home as my car needed a tow. This was on a Thursday, and be Saturday morning when I arrived at the meeting, several folks knew I'd been in an accident. We had a whole meeting on gossip as the person I called had no right to share ANYTHING about me without my permission, and I can't stand to be the center of attention for any reason.
I never disclose anything another shares with me, unless they allow me to do so. It's not my story to tell, whatever the message is. With a few exceptions, for very specific reasons, I only talk to my sponsor about personality conflicts/etc. I know she will listen without judgement, and point me to what she sees/hears (in me) for my growth. Nothing in my life is a result of anybody else's actions/words/deeds and I had to give up the blame/shame game (gossip, of sorts) to get healthy and stay healthy.
I've been to a meeting, then golfed and plan to take a power nap before the big game! We've got unseasonably lovely weather today and tomorrow - taking advantage! It was a bit muddy at golf but so, so nice to get outside and just breathe....love and light MIP family! Thank you Mary for your service and the daily and thanks to all above for your ESH/gossip!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Mary for the daily reading and your share. I've really tried to make progress concerning gossiping about others. This goes as far back as when I was a child and family spent time "discussing" others out of their presence. Although there were times when it was no ill will but rather a genuine concern for that person or sharing good news about them; neither of these things are harmless in my opinion if the person spoken about hasn't given their ok for spreading their good news or speaking about something troubling that is going on with them personally. I feel it's grandiose, controlling and disrespectful to another person to indulge in gossiping about the lives friends, family, coworkers and community members. What is almost a sport to some can result in lost relationships, jobs, loss of trust, and even shunning and isolation.
Gossip was the reason for dropping my former sponsor. She gossiped about me and although I came to terms with it and forgave her; she continued to gossip to me about others in the program. Despite telling her I would rather hear about people directly from them and then changing the subject, the behavior continued. I began sharing more with others in the program and much less with her then eventually ended our sponsor / sponsee relationship. The trust was not repairable. I could understand about gossiping because we did it in my family but I am in a very different place today and needed someone who I felt I could safely confide in.
I tend in general to be a private person. I share intimate details of my life with a handful of people. As far as gossiping about others, I'm not infallible but I'm pretty damn good at minding my own business today. If you tell me something, I ask if its ok to discuss it beyond the two of us and I respect the right of that person to make the decision concerning their information. It has to be a pretty unique situation for me to go against that. Perhaps a life and death situation.
It's really not for me to be the voice of another without their permission. They may want to share good news themselves. No one can really express better what some is going through than that person.
I think gossip many times is used as a toxic form of entertainment when we don't really want to or are incapable of the intimacy and vulnerability that accompanies sharing about ourselves. Talk about others fills the space that would otherwise be used to talk about one's own life. And interestingly, when we reach a healthy place in our ability to share about ourselves and others with healthy boundaries, its sometimes not reciprocal. We are all where we are at emotionally. Most importantly, I want to keep my side of the street clean today, be able to meet people eye to I with a clear conscience that I've respected any boundaries of theirs concerning talk about their life. Thanks to all who have shared. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I Can So Relate to being the Gossip, and Being the Victim of Gossip! In my Alcoholic Home it was Easier to Look at the Life of Others, then to Speak of Our Own Dirty Secrets, and Since Joining Al-Anon I realized Just How Sick My Entire FOO Family truly is, and Me Included!
I Struggled most of My Life with Gossip and Criticism pointed Right at Me, and I have Worked My Can off to Turn A lot of My Past Mistakes into a Better Life Today! But there are times I Slip back... "Hints my Share the Other day!" For Me It was Habit, Just like the Drinking... I Had to Practice NOT Gossiping! And Sometimes that Meant, Just Listening and Keeping My Mouth Shut with the Occasional Head Nod...
Today, I Do Much Better... When it Starts I Either A) Vote with My Feet and Get Out of there! Or B) Say "This Really isn't Any of My Business" and Just Drop the Conversation and be Done with it!
My FOO Don't Appreciate Me NOT Engaging in this Act any More! and Often Times it has Left them to Gossip about Me, and for Awhile it Truly Hurt My Feelings, till I Started to Look Into Our Disease, and Realize what they have to Work with! Sick Breeds Sick! So The Less I Participate, the Easier Walking away from It Becomes! I'm Still Human, and Some Can Still Hook Me! but Thankfully with My Program in Place, It's Easier for Me to Catch it Now then Before! And Correct Myself...
Truly Works When We Work it :) And We are Worth it :)
Mary... ...thanks...
) that there is always more to the story than what you hear, or what you are spreading... so I began to curb that behavior in myself. I do think that gossip tends to survive by making the one who gossips feel better about themselves!
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