The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading, the author reflects on their experience learning "detachment with love" - the alcoholic in their life was a restless sleeper who frequently fell out of bed. The author was in the practice of getting up, and helping the alcoholic back into bed. After several AlAnon meetings, one night, the author found the alcoholic on the floor, and went to bed without helping. At the author's next Alanon meeting, they were proud that they had learned detachment, and were surprised to hear the group express that detachment with love was something else. The next time the author found the alcoholic had fallen out of bed, they again left the alcoholic on the floor, but covered the alcoholic with a blanket. For the author, this is what detachment with love is.
Today's Reminder: With my Higher Power's help, I will keep a loving blanket of detachment with me. I will cover my loved ones with it, whether or not they struggle with a disease, keeping in mind that when I am dealing with other human beings, I am dealing with children of God.
Today's Quote: "Detachment is not isolation, nor should it remain focused on not enabling sick behavior of the past. Detachment is not a wall; it is a bridge across which the Al-Anon may begin a new approach to life and relationships generally." Al-Anon: Family Treatment Tool in Alcoholism
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I generally enjoy readings about detachment. Detachment is important for my own serenity and recovery. Figuring out how to detach with love has been a journey for me. I'm very thankful to my AlAnon groups for witnessing my journey toward detachment with love, offering their Experience, Strength, and Hope, and not judging the rightness or wrongness of my own journey. Detachment was a difficult concept for me, after all, I had spent a good 8 years learning to attach and live according to the co-dependent rules of my active alcoholic spouse. Detachment was necessary, though, in order for me to start to take care of myself and for her to find her own way. I needed to stop making her path easy at my own expense. At first, I detached with anger - I was angry that I was in this situation, that I had to do all this AlAnon work while she just kept drinking and sitting on the couch. I wasn't the one with the addiction, so why was I the one who had to do all the hard work? After a while, I was able to detach with frustration. Then, detach with sadness. Eventually, I got to the place of detaching with indifference. (It was easier to do this while we were separated.) After a good five years of AlAnon program work, I've gotten to the place where I can detach with indifference, detach with fear about the impact of consequences on ME, and sometimes, detach with love. In any case, I consider it a win that I don't entangle myself or my opinions into my wife's decisions about her own life. As I said, learning detachment with love has been a journey for me, and the more I practice, the better I get. I've been surprised that I've been able to detach without anger - a shift I didn't notice at first. For me, AlAnon is a process, and I get better at the process with more practice. Where that will lead me, I am not sure, but I am trusting in my HP and enjoying the journey. Along the way, I'm noticing major shifts to my perspective, my responses, and my life, and I like where I'm headed.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good morning Skorpi and thank you for your service, the daily and your ESH/share. I too have gone through phases or detachment and am grateful for the progress I've been able to make through practice. It does work when I am able to truly let go and let God...this can be harder than it sounds yet, again, I am grateful for progress.
I resisted coming to Al-Anon as I was certain all issues in my life, family, home, etc. were not mine to fix!!! I am always grateful that more has been revealed, as in spite of my denial, I can see my part in much of the chaos and it truly had much to do with my 'attachment' to 'my guys'. I arrived extremely attached - when they hurt, I hurt. When they were mad, I got mad. I spent a ton of time in my own denial 'helping' them trying to normalize the insanity.
I really had to open my mind, listen to ESH of others and learn how unhealthy many of my habits were. I had to take off the many hats I wore through my volunteering over the years and allow others to experience life, learning, consequences. It was incredibly difficult to practice, yet incredibly freeing to no longer feel or take responsibility for another's emotional, spiritual, physical being.
My best tools of today include not picking up the rope, practicing the pause and determining if this is 'my circus'! I don't have to consider the latter of 'my monkeys' as I've been able to trust in the God of my understanding to lead me and others where we are to arrive. Amazingly enough, I also detach faster/easier when I practice actively listening (vs. planning my response) and don't ask questions - one exception - how can I be of service?
Detachment for me has allowed me to find compassion and empathy for others, affected with this disease or not. Like all things in my program, I am not looking to perfect it - just practice and improve. So grateful for the freedom recovery has provided to date and looking forward always to continued serenity, growth, joy!
Happy Hump Day to all - we've got snow falling here! Not too much and not too cold but enough that I'm not going anywhere yet! Love and light MIP family...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Skorpi for your service and today's reading.
So grateful for MIP, because detaching with love, was first learned of here on this board. There is no doubt detachment
saved my sanity.
Detaching from the alcoholic, for me, means that I truly am minding my own business .... I had no idea that trying to
get the A in my life to see the damage that was being done by drinking was doing was not helping at all! It was not
helping the A or me, in fact it was making me just as sick!
I love the example of detaching, but still being there with a blanket. Such a great example of detaching with love is.
{{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thanks Skorpi for your service and for all the excellent shares on this important topic to me. I live with my A who puts a toe in recovery but cant get in the water and swim. Its a daily challenge for me, and I experience detachment with all the above adjectives. I try my best to detach with love and focus on myself, but hey, progress not perfection. As for my A, having multiple addictions, the lack of interest in being healthy is way beyond my comprehension. I spent over 20 years trying to correct, direct, and force solutions, which of course, all failed. I bought a condo an hour away near my son and his family. That has gotten my As attention, but she cannot attach to her programs the way I do with alanon. Like others, I needed to climb out of my hole and find peace and serenity. And much of the time now, Im happy. Oh but that detachment, remains a challenge, and I lean on HP every morning for strength in this arena. Lyne
Thank you Skorpi for your service.
I too, love reading about Detachment, and I totally agree with Iamhere... Detachment is a process... one that can have many levels. The specifics of course, vary with the individual and their situation.
I must admit, for myself, Detachment works best when you do not have to financially depend on an addict. Otherwise, it is very, very difficult b/c the collateral damage can be so huge for yourself. Fear is ever-present.
However, I like being reminded of Detachment, b/c I always review what is going on in my life at present with "How can I detach here?"
Make it a wonderful Hump Day everyone!
&
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Skorpi and everyone, thank you for sharing about this amazing topic. It gives me chills, because I have done what the reading describes ... left someone on the floor with a blanket. I had not learned about detachment at the time, so I felt guilty and ashamed. Now I can see that in some mysterious way (you might call it Higher Power) I was guided to detach and take care of myself as best I could at the time, and to allow higher powers to take care of my loved one who was sick and on the floor.
Detachment with love -- I find it a constant journey of progress not perfection, but in my experience it is worth the journey.
& 