just another day with my A ESH please - Al-Anon Family Group

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

just another day with my A ESH please

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Well Jennifer I would make plans to do something without him that makes you happy. You can say something like I am going to go to .... if you want to come along otherwise I will see you later. Make your own day enjoyable and keep the focus on yourself. You have a lot on your plate this week. Do something that makes you feel special before you have all your tests. Luv Leo xx

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

hi Jennifer, when I have the choices you've outlined, it works better for me if I make my own plans (that means what I will do is my own choice), nudge him on the couch and invite him to join me, and pursue my plan. It keeps me from resentment. If he doesn't join me, I'll be doing something I like. It can be in the house or out. It's time for me. If he's still in a snit when I get home, I have had fun that day and it's easier for me to detach with love. I try to keep a list of activities I'd love to do if only I had the time and nobody else's needs to consider for those few hours. I try to be prepared for such a situation. It works for me. take care --- Jill

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a tough one Jennifer, and I understand where you're coming from. I would probably makes plans without him, and do my best to have a joyous time.

I am reminded of what my dearest friend, who is a recovering alcoholic, said to me when I called her on the phone, desperate and tearful, and told her that my husband was passed out on the front lawn, and what should I do...her response made me laugh out loud, and from that minute on, I took a different view of my husband's alcoholism. She said, "Can you step over him?"

I'd "step over him" Jennifer.

Have a blessed Easter and much happiness and peace. Diva

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

Jennifer,

What I try (and I emphasis try, lol) to do is mention something once like "I'm doing this, I'd love to have your company" or something similiar. This puts it on the table and allows them to feel welcomed if they will allow themselves.

After that I try to let go. My A hasn't been in the house so I try to practice this more w/ my kids than my A.

The other part for me was to not build resentments if they don't come. That took time and takes letting go to a little higher level.

Bob

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree that once you've made plans, I'd let him know you'd love his company. ITs a beautiful day to be together. I understand you want him with you to enjoy the day. But if he isn't going to be there, that is ok too. *Detach with Love. He has a right to make his own decisions. Have a nice beautiful Easter Sunday. (((BigHuG)))

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a lot of trouble with that walking on eggshells stuff. I have to try to walk the line on just enough monitoring and just enough space to work on me. Lately the work on me takes priority. I know when I am hovering around the A and trying to control his space I get nowhere. So lately I have taken to setting boundaries and asking for certain things. I ask and I ask nicely. I try not to whine. I still do I am sure. I also try really hard to take care of me. I don't hear that much about you in the post. I know my A lies all the time. I ask him stuff like has he taken care of certain bills and he answers. I am not really sure whether he has or not but I know an inquisition is not going to get me the answer.

How fantastic that you are here and asking for help and getting answers and learning to live another way. What a lot of courage that takes.

Maresie.

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jen,

I have found that when my gut tells me something regarding the A is is generally true. Understand where u are coming from.

I also understand u were looking forward to a good weekend with him.

Just try to enjoy if he wants to do things with you fine if not have a grand time anyway.

Just move right on with what u want to do. He is going to feel guilty no matter what and why make yourself miserable.

Love Ya,
Andrea

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

THANKS Everyone,

I sat down and made up a need to do and want to do list in my head. And made up my mind to enjoy the day no matter what. And I did. Mhusband said "I don't want to do anything" I said OK and went to do my need to do things arounf the house. As far as enjoying it ... how much can you enjoy cleaning cat litter? LOL By the time I was finished and ready to move on to the out of the house ones so was he without my pushing and prodding. We had a nice day more important is I would have had a good day either way. And I bought my new table saw Funny not once in my childhood did I ever think I would be in love with a couple of dogs and a table saw but here I happily am.

I am thinking what was confusing me this morning was the detaching with love, feeling as if I wasn't being a good person if I did not help a friend get out of a funk. But yet scared of feeling resentment if my attentions were rebuffed. I know I am a good person even when I am unable for any reason to help a friend, and resentment has a harder time getting hold of me lately. I acted in ways I can be proud of this weekend and I have everyone here to thank for it.

You all had very sound experiences to share. I like the idea of having a list and plans of things I can do myself if our plans are not going well. I like Diva's story, it gave me almost as good a laugh as she got from it, thank you, and I will remember it in the future when needed. Thanks Leo too for reminding me I do have alot on my plate this week, I think it is why I wanted a good weekend even if I wasn't thinking of it that way.

Anyway now I am off to go some more of the want to do things on both our lists. I hope everyone had a good holiday!

Jennifer

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.