Thank you Skorpi for your service and very personal share.

I read with interest b/c my amends to my Ex would be that I was "too good" and fixing, covering, and smoothing. After I left, and subsequent months since the divorce, I am amazed at the things he just doesn't know how to do! When I get exasperated (b/c he texts me asking how to do something), I remind myself that I was a part of that development. But Al-Anon helps me to put away the blame-game goggles and treat myself with kindness. I did what I did b/c someone had to be the "adult" and do all the things an "adult life" requires.
I am sending you strength, b/c I found that it was hard to walk that tightrope of being supportive and enabling. It does require daily work on ourselves to be sure! Today, I work on this with my young adult kid who is still living with me. I do not want to make the same mistakes I made w/my spouse. I don't know it all. I don't have all the answers, and there is more than "my way" to get things accomplished! Stepping back, allowing them to feel the consequences of their decisions can be hard (especially for a Mom)! But things like your share, remind me that I am doing the healthy thing.

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Thanks scorpi for your service and your share. For me, this goes well beyond my relationships with alcoholics. It's about have healthy boundaries in all of my relationships. Codependence is what got me here and I have to be mindful to practice self care first and caring for others second. The only exception would be young children who are dependent on adults for their care. There is a vast difference between exhibiting care for another and being a caretaker of another adult who is capable of doing for themself. 

Before Alanon and in the early years of recovery, I gravitated to people who were looking for a rescuer. My skewed thinking had me believing this made me a caring a good person to come to the aid of others. I was uncomfortable with thoughts that the other might be taking advantage of me and empowered - ego stroked by being responsible for possibly creating a positive outcome for someone else's overall well-being. 

I try to keep in mind today that I want my boundaries to be the same no matter who or what the nature of my relationship to the other person. Again with the exception of young children in my care. From experience living with drinking alcoholics and sober ones, I've found that my boundaries are the same concerning offering help and doing for them. I am willing to help someone help themself. Logic tells me that someone who has spent most of their time drinking may be oblivious to what seems like natural day to day self care for some of us. Of course this isn't true for all alcoholics. Functional alcoholic can appear incredibly put together, very good at making decisions and know how to get where they need to go. I can certainly say while pointing the finger inward, that I have turned to a few with my own issues of dependency for guidance and courage to make life decisions. Maybe this is why I'm not a big fan of the term "alcoholic behaviors." I'm not an alcoholic but I certainly have a share of unhealthy behaviors as well.

I think the biggest issue for me today while sharing life with my partner is being mindful of over involvement and respectful of their personal power to choose. If I see my partner struggling, I can ask if they would like help with that. Long gone are the days of literally taking something out of another's hands and saying things like here, let me do that, I know how to fix that. OMG, just typing that is frightening lol We have healthy food options in the home as well as less than healthy ones. The inclination for my partner in sobriety is to be drawn to sugar and caffeine. They'll complain about how they physically feel, upset stomach etc. I practice detachment today because no adult wants to be should on. We've had conversations about alternatives in the past. At best, I may say I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. We do things for one another that we both could do for ourselves. When you are under the same roof and know one another's habits it can be nice to know you're cared about. It's nice to find my clothes folded and ready to be put away. This doesn't hamper (no pun intended) my self sufficiency. It's just a nice gesture that I can say I appreciate. If it reaches a point of keeping score concerning how much I am getting when I give and give and give  it may be time to look at my motivation in giving to those I love.

I especially like the part of the reading that speaks about actions and inactions in relation to someone keeping sober. Wow was that ever tiresome when I was new to Alanon. I made my ex's sobriety my higher power. My belief was that my actions played a very big part in his continued sobriety or his relapse. Gratefully, oldtimers in this program clued me in that working the Alanon program officially released me of that responsibility. They assured that I had no power in bringing about the alcoholics sobriety or relapse but if I worked the Alanon program and exhibited healthy behaviors myself it could "improve the family situation."  Sometimes I've heard it said in Alanon when one is looking for a sponsor, "I want what you've got." Practicing sanity and knowing when to zip my lip in my home helps me with maintaining my serenity. It's that over involment in what's going on on his side of the street that I have to be mindful of. When the help offered has not been solicited, it's not met with much gratitude. It more of case of him wishing I would get on my broom and fly back over to my own side of the street and do my own recovery cleaning. 

Thanks for the shares and lots of great reminders about balance in giving to others and self focus. ((hugs)) TT