Hi Jill, thanks for posting. I think one of the important things you mentioned was expectations. I didn't have any when I came here as I'd never been online before. I watched, listened, participated and if I didn't know something I asked. I always received answers to my questions. I am grateful this forum is here, imperfections and all. Nothing can be all things, to all people, all of the time.

Particularly with the chatroom, I see it as a snapshot/echo of the real world as it's happening in real time. There is always the potential for disharmony when a number of people gather for any reason, purely because of the diversity. However, for me it's important not to get caught up in disharmony/negativity and to look for the balance; the identification/positives. In Al-Anon I was told to look for the similarities not the differences. Take what I like and leave the rest. I have choices.

I did not have expectations but since participating I do have opinions. I appreciate the fact that I have the option to air those opinions or not. I can choose to air them in full or in part. Others can listen or not. I have experienced many positives in chat and to date not one negative. However, I have witnessed some situations that made me uncomfortable and which may have been experienced as negative by others. Like you, I consider newcomers important. We can't give it away to keep it, if there's nobody there to give it to. In chat, I can only do my 'bit' and Let It Begin With Me. As a recovering person myself, my ability to help another will depend on where I'm at, in that particular moment as well as my past experiences. I would find it difficult to help someone if I had not experienced similar situations or similar emotions. I like your reference to various wounds. I can be any or all of them or on a good day maybe none.

I observed with interest that the posts which focused more on the problems in chat seemed to get more views and responses than those that focused on the benefits. I posted one myself specifically as I was so grateful that people reached out to me in my time of need. I also knew that as I was feeling particularly raw on entering chat I needed to be more responsible for my own take on what may occur. I am more likely to misconstrue comments or take them personally if I'm not in a good space. I know in my heart that most people are there to help and support. I may not get what I want, in the way that i want or in the time that i want but that's a large part of what program is about for me; learning. And you know, ironically because I don't expect it... I do get exactly what I need! lol

I love this program, fellowship and forum. I want to be a part of acknowledging all the good within, IMHO the positives far outweigh any negatives.

With love in the fellowship

x  Maria  x  

I find with the chat room there are times it is pretty wacky (and yes, it can be hard to have an actual conversation in there when it's like that) and times when it is serious.  My own mood doesn't always match what's going on in there, but that happens to me in real life also.

Hello Jill and All,

It's nice to know someone else feels nervous about their replies to newcomers. I'm still a bit confused about who I am so I don't feel like I will fix them but sometimes I try not to say too much in case it will scare them into running away. I remember how much I appreciated just being welcomed and asked back so when I feel inadequate to answer something, I just say those things. Thanks for posting!

Jennifer

I'm would think when you chose to look up AlAnon you "expected"(if this is the correct word as used above) the promises (or what ever the right term is) of the program to be here when you opened your heart and feelings to others .  

BLESSINGS IN RECOVERY

My own expectations really affected me when I went to Al-anon ftf many years ago. I did not feel at home in meetings. I had a friend who raved about it and felt that al-anon was her rock no matter what she was dealing with. I did not feel welcomed, included or even identify.  Then years later after much urging by various people I came here and found a lot of help. At the same time I have friends in other programs who have not had good experiences in al anon. They had sponsors who pushed them to leave relationships when they were not ready to.  They did not identify and they refused to even entertain the notion of going to another group.

Personally I think that different groups work for me at different times but I also have to take a lot of responsibility for finding them. Currently I am in 4 groups on the internet, really there are still some issues (like sexual abuse) I have not yet found a group for. I do find some groups work better than others.  I also find it may take months and months for me to feel part of a group and incuded and cared for.  None of that happens overnight.

For me I came to this group in December which for many many reasons I have a very difficult time in.  I came to this group in late December when I was already drowning in the issues.  I did not necessarily receive relief from those issues. Indeed I think it may take me years of working through preparing, looking at, caring for an attending to those issues will help.  So that is one cue to how I worked my issues before I came here I let them fester, erupt and then I would get help when I was in crisis not when the issue first developed because I was simply paralyzed by them and feeling that there was no help out there at all when there is some very imperfect help most of the time but I have to access, it, use it and make choices about it.

I think some of the issue in any group is looking at what the issues are. If someone has many many issues, such as I do, they may need a whole program of stuff to get to the issues.  Since I have been in this group I have been going to a counselor (and I have had years of therapy) that helps, I go to other groups that helps but I no longer hold any counselor responsible for curing me or even necessarily helping me.  I don't think a chat room should in any way be expected to be the be-all end-all for someone even when they are in great pain.  The chat room has helped me greatly but at the same time I had at the end of the day to be responsible for my pain not put it out on other people to be responsible for.  I am responsible to it, I may not have caused it (because a great deal of my pain is caused by a childhood that is incredibly difficult) but I am now totally responsible to it.   The chat room is there for me in a very very small way but I have to be there for me on many many levels in a very big way day in day out.

Maresie.