The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm struggling a bit right now with an update that my f2f meeting member who has been diagnosed with cancer is back in the hospital in a weakening state. Not much can be done for her at the moment. Less than a month ago she was admitted and now back and not doing well. I'm still working through the shock of the initial announcement and now the rapid decline. I miss her at my meeting. Her service contributions have been many. I volunteered today to do more and offered comfort to one of her sponsees who is feeling lost right now. The update today just filled me with so much sadness and realization of just how fragile our lives can be. It's a good reminder for me anyway to keep gratitude in front of me and not take life for granted or those I love. I continue my prayers for all connected to her. She's touched a lot of lives including mine. I share this here because I opened up a little at my meeting that I had been in touch with her and let her know we love, miss her and are praying for her. That was met with silence and no one else said that they had reached out to her despite so many wanting and copying her contact information a few weeks back. Anyway, I'm sure I will share what's on my heart again at my f2f meeting concerning missing her if I feel a need. I'm certainly not making her the topic of the meeting but I'm not going to stuff my feelings either. I feel especially sad for her child. Thanks for letting me share with you. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Tired I see us all being in this together, woven in and out, up and down like a hugged comforter. Even when a family member passes we keep them and what they have contributed in the forefront of our memories. Prayers also going
(((TT))) - I am sorry for you, your friend and the child...I too am sending prayers your way! My philosophy for grief and preparing to say good-bye to one we love is to process here, there, every/any where! I have spent so much energy and time in my life trying to 'feel' like I believe society, family, others think I should and it's not served me well.
I am still working through my feelings and grief for my cousin. What has been helpful for me is to reach out to her kids every day, in the morning, reminding them I am here to help any way necessary. I also remind them how proud she was of them, and how much they are loved by all the family remaining. They do respond and I've helped some with going through belongs, preparing her house for sale, etc. I don't push, I just offer.
My friend who has been battling cancer for almost 10 years in in the ER tonight - her kidneys are failing. It does not look good and she's 57. She has been a strong, courageous warrior, fighting this for so, so long - if she's ready to go, I will unconditionally support her choice. She's got such a large, kind, friendly, heart ... She will forever be cherished and missed greatly.
So - TT - the way I see it, this thing called life is unpredictable, glorious at times, maddening at times and sorrowful at times. Who we are and how we feel is unique to how we were created, and we owe it our ourselves to process any way we can/want/need to at any place, any time. Even in my fear, grief, sadness, etc. I am brought more comfort and peace, momentarily by taking action - for me or others.
My friend who is preparing to pass was able to battle this disease long enough to see her only son turn 18 and finish HS. For this, she and I are very grateful as there were moments when we all wondered. I find for me it's easier to trust God and his master plan when life is going smooth. What recovery has given me is the ability to practice that same trust when it's far from smooth. I sat in a meeting yesterday and heart someone say that Grace is something we are given freely that we usually do not deserve. Not entirely sure why, but this has been on my mind since.
So, take comfort in knowing her, learning from her, sharing with her and loving her. That's been my strategy, and it does bring me moments of comfort and even some smiles. Yet, I have found that grief for me in unpredictable. I golfed yesterday and played really, really well - it was so nice to be outside and away from family, sadness, packing, etc. For an unknown reason, I cried all the way home from the golf course. My cousin did not golf, did not understand the game and would not have been someone I would call to share my good round with - yet, in spite of having a lovely day, I cried - grief is unpredictable and unmanageable (for me, right now).
Please know I am sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive energy and prayers for all. MIP is such a gift for me - being able to come, share, process, cry, laugh, etc. Hang in there are post anything anytime you need to!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't have much to add except that I pray your HP wraps you and your loved ones and their family in his/her comfort and love during this difficult time.
sending you cyber-support. Processing takes time... whatever time you need. Keep coming back, keep sharing... we support you!
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-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Tuesday 7th of January 2020 11:06:20 AM
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Temple, thank you for the prayers, love and understanding. Yes, I am still trying to find my way to acceptance. It did come as a shock that someone who seemingly was so full of vitality could decline so rapidly. Beyond the sadness there's the feeling of vulnerability. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me. It could happen to someone closer to me. Of course it's best to let such feelings pass through me - feel, deal and heal. But I think it's fair to acknowledge that although I feel sadness concerning her prognosis and it's effect on her and her family; the intensity of my feelings are around the awareness of my powerlessness concerning mine and my loved ones mortality. There are no guarantees. Here today gone tomorrow. I don't say this with a feeling of morose pessimism just awareness. Events like this are a stark reminder that none of us is promised tomorrow making it even more important for me to live fully in gratitude for today.
Jerry, thank you. You've created a beautiful visual of the Alanon fellowship. I am trying to accept more service opportunities within my homegroup. This member has brought a lot to our group and although I don't need to contribute in the exact way she had; I am trying to participate and work my program from the service end a little more now. We have always been good about rotation of service but she often brough a little extra to share with us and all conference approved. We often learned something new. She just loves the program. That unique and loving contribution is missed right now. We feel her absence as a group but also have been gifted by her contributions to our group. Thank you for the prayers.
Thank you Iamhere for sharing so openly about your experience with loss and grieving. I know you're really in the thick of it right now. And what better way to honor your cousin than to give what you can to her children. I know when I lost my mother what meant the most to me was learning things about her from family and friends and what she meant to them. It allowed me to know her a bit outside the role of my parent and learn things I never knew about her as someone's coworker, neighbor, sister, friend, volunteer. I'm sorry for the struggles you're currently going through with your good friend in the hospital and grieving your cousin. It can be so hard because when we're busy doing the next right thing to aid family and friends in the midst of the crisis, it's easier to compartmentalize feelings. But as you said, during a quiet ride home in the car suddenly all of the feelings can just hit you like a ton of bricks. But it's good to feel it and release it I think through tears. Tears are a natural response the sorrow. We're blessed to feel rather than have our feeling come out sideways through unhealthy choices and self defeating actions. Thank you, Alanon. Life is good, huh even if unpredictable. I can only continue to pray for knowledge of hp's will and accept and work with what hp has planned for me each day. Prayers for you as you grieve your cousin and positive energy for your friend who's hospitalized.
Thank you Aloha for the prayers and positive affirmation. I think it can be applied to so many situations from posters here.
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
one year ago, I suddenly lost my dearest, longest friend in Al-anon. no warning whatsoever. In the following months, dad died and then my husbands two closest friends died, unexpectedly.
My ESH is nothing original, my friend. Take your silent meditation longer and deeper. Because there, I gain (recover) perceptions of what the Higher Power always intended - no separation, only unity. In that experience, my friend is with me still and together we continue to share love love love... it never went anywhere. "oh death, where is thy sting?!"
Thanks so much for sharing 2HP. I'm sorry for yours and your husband's losses. That is a lot at once. My significant other and I experience similiar with our parents. Naturally, they all grew old at the same time and consequently we lost them one after the other. It did create a new level of understanding between us for which we've both been grateful. And yes, our loved ones can always be with us through the fond memories we have. Thanks for the support and hug.
David, thanks for that big hug! I appreciate it.
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you everyone for all of your heartfelt shares and your prayers. My friend and Alanon meeting member has died. I was prepared to receive this call but still I'm just filled with sadness. I'm glad I reached out to her and told her how I felt about her. Our meeting this week will be somewhat somber one but we'll have one another to lean on. Praying for her family now. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
(((TT))) - I am so, so very sorry for your loss. Your experience with your friend is so eerily familiar to what happened with my cousin! It was just so fast that I really felt the shock of the diagnosis when she passed. Feel what you feel when you need to - I'm still kind of numb some days as it just seems still so unreal. I really thought the funeral would be a turning point for me, and really was not.
I've been able to spend some time reflecting on my cousin, her life, our good times, my memories, etc. I do believe that because of my recovery, I am able to feel blessed for knowing and loving her than caught up in the loss and sadness of missing her - I go back and forth but the 'good' comes more often. Maybe that's an age and stage thing - not entirely sure. Do be gentle with yourself and know that you're not alone! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am sorry to hear of your friend's health...and I wish you, her, and her loved ones all the best.
Feelings are often difficult to "process" -- and deal with, handle, make sense of, etc. -- for many reasons. One reason can be others don't act, react, and so many other things...the way we do. We can be upset, disappointed and a hundred other things, because another doesn't do what we do, expect, want, and who knows what else.
We have our program, our recovery -- our tools, our steps. For me, it was always acceptance, surrender, and let go. You will go through whatever it is you go through, and your program can make the tough times better.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thanks Iamhere. Yes, what happened with your cousin and my group member does seem very similiar. This "sudden death" really brings into stark reality just how powerless one is. I'm sad or her child who has such complicated issues not of their own making and is fragile and vulnerable. I have been praying and keeping positive thought for her husband who is in recovery thankfully that his hp will guide him in caring for their child. My Alanon friend was mostly responsible for their child's care. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I am never going to see her again at our meeting place, never be gifted with her es&h. I'm going to miss her contributions during business meetings when my homegroup members tend jockey for control and their way. She always kept her cool and offered logical, thought out, reasonable solutions with the health and unity of the group in mind rather than emotionally charged reactions to suggested changes. I'll miss her smile, humor, courage and witnessing her love of Alanon and personal touches she brought to being of service to our group. I'll miss talking to her on the phone. We are now waiting for information as a group concerning a wake or memorial service. I don't think this will offer closure for me personally but my hope is that it will draw members of our group closer. She often expressed to me her love our group and not wanting anything or anyone to be the cause of dissension or breaking apart of our Alanon group. I think it would please her if in her leaving us we became even stronger in our recovery and unity. I wish you continued healing at this sad time ((Iam))) Although it might sound cliche,' you really are making the best of a bad situation by creating more memories with you hospitalized friend and being there for you cousin's kids in ways that work for them as they grieve.
Debb, thank you for your prayers as I process the loss my Alanon friend and prayers for her family who will no doubt have a tough road ahead of them.
Bo, thanks for the support. My life is guided by my higher power's will for me and my hp led me to share here. I've received very courageous and wonderful responses concerning how others have processed the loss of a loved one. I'm grateful for those shares.
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
(((TT))) - what I am learning about me from this experience is I have grown so, so much - long ways to go but still. I've always been one that's been frightened and mad at death. I've had to do a ton of work on this, as (with many things), death just was not something I handled well at all, as in no grace whatsoever!
Since I am not getting any younger, and my cousin was younger than I, this has really struck me to my core. Not so much about missing her - yes, I do and I will but more about how precious life, love and our human experience really is. I really, really practice all that we learn in recovery - staying present, one day at a time, letting go of the past, being authentic, choosing joy and serenity, etc. Yet, as my cousin's quick illness and death disclosed to me, I still have work to do.
I still get sad when I consider all the time I wasted and energy I spent chasing 'this disease'. I don't spend much time focused on the past yet when I do, it is usually about lost time. Well - with this most recent lost soul in my family/life, I am more determined than ever before to make 'it' matter. It for me is the day, the moment, the experience, the visit, the show, the ....The whole YOLO - You Only Live Once - has been speaking to me in subtle ways.
My heart smiled when I read how much your friend gave to you, your group, Al-Anon and her family! I do believe that when we trust in a power greater than us, the answers come. Trust your instincts as best you can. Take action when you feel called, and rest when you feel like it. You work a great program and you've got that spiritual 'thing' going on - leaning into that is what's carried me.
I'll keep you, her, her family, your group in my thoughts and prayers. Love and light always TT, love and light!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What has helped me a lot is the understanding of powerlessness that is with me closely everyday; not only over death yet also every other thing and then the principle of acceptance attached. I get along very well with those two attached to my spirit and then gratitude yes gratitude for all I have shared with in my daily and long life. Thank God for our program. ((((Hugs))))
One of.my.dear friends lost his life over three years ago. I.was completely blind slided.
I.did not find out till after the funeral
I am sorry for your loss
I am trying to adapt to a feeling of dealing with radical acceptance. Somehow that helps me through
In recent years I have lost a number of friends to cancer.
I also lost a neighbor to.suicide recently
I dont think my losses are anything special
Without al.anon I would be at sea.
that was a beautiful thought Jerry .. hugs tired .. thinking of you .. alot of painful memories resurfacing in me .. I lost a loved one to cancer some years back .. I haven't read this entire thread because i'm not home but wanted to acknowledge your share .. the beautiful thing about recovery is we are 'heart touched by so many inside the rooms of meetings etc .. who are honest and open .. I love jerry's thoughts of making a comforter or quilt like patchwork with all pieces coming together .. it helps me to read too the idea of this person and so many I loved too being with me still today as a yep much needed comforting quilt like patchwork .. all serving to continue to heart hug us .. hp is good .. our one authority however we view that reaching in and expressing thru a fellowship with a hug for us all ..glad I popped in this thread gives me too much to reflect on ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 15th of January 2020 12:02:11 PM
Thank you ((everyone))) for the beautiful poems, insights, lovely images. My homegroup met for the first time since hearing this very sad news. It was a mix of sadness, anger, drama, tears and recovery. Initially, no one would talk about it at all. I wanted to and brought it up. I needed to say our meeting member's name out loud and acknowledge her loving contributions to our group. Others added their feelings, hugs and we comforted one another. Some were so overwhelmed, they couldn't share at all. I took home some additional service work to do because the one who'd taken it on was just beside themselves and dropped it with me and said they just couldn't do it. I've been working on it and thinking of our program friend, putting a lot of love for my group and the program into the task. I want to remember her devotion to us and our meeting and her love of Alanon and help in ways that I can to keep us on track during this sad time. There will be newcomers. That never ends. And although I wasn't ready to lose my friend and meeting member, I want to be ready to welcome people who are first time to Alanon. We are a good group and I know just as we do here online, the people of my homegroup will continue to help one another through this loss and grow in our recovery. Life is such a beautiful thing - wild, unpredictable and so worth living to the fullest. With gratitude, TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
(((TT))) - love how you're adding service to your group almost to honor your friend and her service...I had a visual that made me smile. I'm so sorry that your group is struggling - grief is just so very personal and unique - it may take some time. Right after my cousin passed away, we had 3 days of absolutely beautiful sunrises and sunsets. This doesn't happen often for us - we're in the middle of the country!!
Those skylines made my heart smile a small amount. The unexpected gift of beauty helped me feel as if she were still here, just not in body. I am not one who looks or signs from loved ones that have passed on yet there was just something in my spirit that felt a connection to her in those moments. I so agree that life is a beautiful thing and living each day to the fullest is a sound plan!
Prayers and positive thoughts continue! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Maybe it's a gift of our hp and reward of working the program that our spiritual connection is heightened during these times of emotional extremes - sorrow and joy. Thanks for sharing. I understand. I've been thinking so much about our meeting member in these last few days and so grateful she was a part of my recovery journey. That needn't end. Hope for Today January 11 expresses this well. Her service as a gift and her wisdom is mine to keep going forward.
I'm glad you felt you're cousin's presence in connection with nature's beautiful moments. Thanks for sharing. ((Iam)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
So - we had another lovely sunrise today! I do believe I agree that our spiritual connection truly matters in how we feel, deal, grieve, process, etc. Being able to be sad yet grateful at the same time for the shared experiences is a by-product of recovery for me...BR (Before Recovery), opposite emotions/feelings were not 'possible' in my crazy brain. I believe the obsessive tendencies I had because of this disease just blocked so, so much.
Love and light TT - love and light! Keep doing what you're doing - seems to be working well for you (and your group)!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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