The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My SO used to gaslight me something horrible. Especially telling me I am angry- when she is.
This time last year she had family over from Florida. We were 100 miles from home and she ordered me out of the truck- and left me there.
She does this regularly- and I suspect it is a replay of how her FOO used to operate- and deal with anger.
I was taking her to the airport last week and it happened again. Things got white hot- but then an unusual thing happened. I stood my ground- in a gentle way. What I learned early in Alanon, about kind caring detachment.
And she began to cry- to weep.
I have often wanted to leave- but the old story here- is that I take me with me! But I was picking her up at the airport yesterday. I decided that if it happened again I was going!
Maybe that decision gave me an edge. As people always say- "it take two to tango!"
Our relationship has slowly improved over time... slow and steady. Jumping ship- the term used in these parts- is "out of the frying pan and into the fire!"
In any relationship everyone comes with baggage- or so they say. It is Sunday morning here- and has bin rainy. My share has a lot of cliches in it, really... but the underpin a lot of thoughts and experiences- that are relevant.
So, this morning calm has descended on our household. One of the great great assets here- in this group- is that we have all joined a nation of adults. So we can all talk about big-people stuff. We can listen and be listened to- which I find really really healing.
When I read your sharing,I felt for you,and certainly hope you can work things out for you. I thought of myself, where I am right now, knowing people are trying to work at a relationship, and I am in the process of culling some. Especially with my brother. I know I am in the grieving process, it's something that I know I don't want to do, but I have to for me. This brother was the one, who I thought I was close to, or he was close to me. An Illusion. All of my growing up years, my other brothers and sisters, learnt from watching my Mother,and Father, how to treat me. I fought it with them, and fought it with my brothers and Sisters. We were never close, far from it, but guess, who tried, over,and over again. Because I wanted/needed to have a Family. Family was important to me. Because we didn't have the same Father, I was always different.The only thing we had in common, was to have the same Mother. Even that I questions,as I am/have nothing in common with the others. I have always seen the bond that they had, they connected, I was always on the outside.
With my brother, I deal with the facts, and leave the emotion out of it. This is why I am letting our relationship go, he would put me down, be sarcastic, ridicule me, try to pull me down at anytime he thought he could. When ever I rang him, he would be on his computer, or TV, and if anyone came while we were talking, he would always hang up on me. Never at any time, was he interested in my Family, he doesn't know any of them, nor does he want to. That is the sort of relationship that I have been trying to work with. I know it isn't going to worry him in anyway when he looses me, but I care about me. I am not doing it for him, I am doing it for me. That is why I believe My Higher Power gave me Recovery, not to continue to allow other people to continue to hurt me. My Motto for me is, if I can't stand the heat in the Kitchen, I have to get out, and if I am not important to anyone else, I am important to me.
Thanks Wendy, and bless you. I worked out that my younger siblings treated me awful because they saw dad and mum do it- dad especially.
Then I felt like i lost our kids- because of the way I was treated by SO. It became their norm. And I suppose i was primed for that treatment. ...
I like it that Alanon can be "an agony aunt" and people can come and share their ESH- what ever that is. And keep doing this until they work out their own direction. This time I have a solution- in the making... a nice change for me... ...
Thank you David for your share today. I especially liked this:
"One of the great great assets here- in this group- is that we have all joined a nation of adults. So we can all talk about big-people stuff. We can listen and be listened to- which I find really really healing."
I find it incredibly refreshing to be able to speak of deep, meaningful things (even emotional ones), and get good, honest, non-judgmental and supportive discourse. I too, was gas-lit and projected upon for years... It has taken its toll. But I am healing. Kudos for you for standing up for yourself, but doing it in a calm and meaningful way! I have always gravitated to the saying, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." Al-Anon has helped me to do better with the last part!
I am enjoying a rainy weekend... inside Xmas decorating has begun!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
David, You know that you have the power to give yourself the best life with the help of your higher power. For me, that was the best breakthrough to a happy, joyous and free life. It felt a bit startling and scary to me when I first chose to stand up for myself with my exah. I'd become so dependent on him for validation. Imagine? I didn't trust that I was loveable and I seeking validation from an alcoholic/addict who clearly didn't love themself and acted out their self loathing on me.
What did I do before recovery and in early recovery? I tried harder to earn love. When I was a newcomer to Alanon and life didn't change very quickly for the better, I thought I mustn't be working my Alanon recovery program very well. You know.. there had to be something really wrong with me. After all, that's what the alcoholics in my life had told me, showed me time and time again. When you are told through the polluted fog of alcohol that you don't measure up over and through their actions, you lead with that and make choices reflective of that. Needless to say, I married the familiar, divorced and dated the familiar. Thankfully, I never left the program and gained self love, grew and was enlightened by my hp and the experience, strength and hope of others.
I was loveable. I'd always had been. I could love myself and choose myself, risk rejection or do the rejecting and face the grieving and initial loneliness that accompanied such a decision. I could remove myself from toxic relationship and situations. If nothing changes nothing changes, we say in Alanon. But there has been a responsibility that has come with change for me, a responsibility to myself. It's mean't spending less time with some people who are still in my life, it mean't risking to show up as my new self around new people and leaving some people from my past behind. You can't fit a square peg into a round hole. What's the alternative? Make myself smaller to fit?? It would be painful to sacrifice the sharp edges I now have thanks to the tools of Alanon.
There is a reading in the book The Language of Letting Go. It's February 12. It's a go to reading for me often when I feel myself growing to the point of maybe needing to move toward newer healthier experiences. I read it when the pain of participation feels greater than the prospect of grief from choosing to move on. I also read it when I want to find compassion and acceptance of myself and those in my life as we are today. The reading is about a bridge and the bridge represents recovery.
Here is a small piece from it -
"We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place."
Thank you for sharing so honestly David about unacceptable behaviors of others and taking your power back by responding with Alanon recovery.
I truly believe today that the god of my understanding wants me to have a happy, joyous and free life. I'm grateful for the program and all who share here and help me to reason things out in my own life. As a result, I have more serenity today. (((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
TT - I too, LOVE that day page in The Language of Letting Go!!
When I am faced with doubts of "why did I leave?" I do go back and read that date/page. "There was light, warmth, healing and love."
Thank you for the reminder!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
That made me cry--and then I wanted to punch somebody's lights out. That's what my little friend from Ohio says when she is outraged.
I am so glad to read that you have turned a corner and aren't going to have that kind of treatment again.
One's FOO can really do a perfect job of setting a person up. Isn't it wonderful that we can keep learning and growing. You never deserved any of that from anyone, and now you know it.
Blessings,
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Gaslighting in my experience is nothing more than the ping pong match with the alcoholic. It doesn't matter if it's accusations, manipulation, anger, martyrdom, or whatever. For me, too many people overcomplicate it, analyze it, look to explain it, and so on.
In alanon, one of the slogans is Keep It Simple.
Problem: Gaslighting is the ping pong match.
Solution: I put down the paddle.
Result: No more ping pong match.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hi David, Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and you Journey, also with the awful news that has happened in New Zealand. It seems that your God has you exactly where He wants you to be. You have a lot of Courage, Inner Strength, Character to do what you will need to do, to look after yourself.
Be good to you, when I am in trouble, or my Family is, I say, draw a circle around yourself, and who ever is in that circle, are your Friends, whoever, Isn't, Isn't.
((((((((((((((( Wendy ))))))))))))) The disaster happening in the lead-up to Christmas- makes it even more poignant! We all close ranks, at this time; we always do. .
Thanks so much! 
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