(Wendy)) I too have had to struglge wih my expectations Alanon tools helped

Thanks for your share, Wendy. I hope you've relayed this to your sponsor, too. I know reasoning things out with someone else really helps me get different perspectives. Very often I feel like whatever thought pops up in my head has to be THE solution for whatever is bothering me. This is why getting to meetings and working with a sponsor is so helpful to me because sometimes other ideas will present themselves.

As you know expectations are breeding grounds for resentments. Can I accept others just as they are?

I've often had to work out what was most important to me, realizing that if I really wanted X, I might have to deal with Z. But X was far more important to me so I could find other ways to feel about Z.

For instance, I used to expect others to read my mind and to reach out to me. When I finally realized that some of these people just don't operate that way - NO judgement on their character - I had to make changes to support my needs. That does often mean I'm the one asking others to lunch, calling to see how they are, suggesting get-togethers and playing "cruise director", etc. If I wait for them to "get it", then there's a good chance I'll likely NEVER get what I'm wanting because that's just not their personality. I have to Let It Begin With Me.

That said, I also have to weigh whether or not I want to cope with major toxicity in order to get to see someone in particular or do something in particular. I once turned down an invitation to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert because the person inviting me to join him just triggered me terribly whenever I was in his presence. It was not worth being around someone who could potentially bring out the worst in me just to see a live concert.

Finally it's always good to have alternate plans. No one's available to spend time with me? What can I do to be okay for the day? Perhaps treat myself to a movie, spend the day doing something creative. Write some thank you cards to the people I care about. Write a gratitude list. See if perhaps there's someone I know who's been having trouble and reaching out to them to see if I can be of service.

And one final thought - I've been doing a lot of work around not watching commercials or any other kind of advertising. The business of those ads is to purposely make people feel that they are incomplete and lacking without their product. And around the holidays it's of course even worse. They want you to think that the only way to show someone you care for them is to buy them expensive products, or to throw a perfect party with beautiful platters and gourmet food wearing fashionable clothing. And of course alcoholic beverage companies want you to also believe that a joyous holiday celebration is not complete without imbibing.

When I stop exposing myself to that constant barrage of nonsense, it's easier for me to remember that I'm enough just as I am and I don't have to have those objects or experiences in order to be complete.

Thanks for letting me share.

Hi Wendy,

It sounds like you've reasoned this out and made a decision to be true to yourself.  For me, it's progress when my happiness isn't contingent on others. My god, that's what got me into this program in the first place.  We have tried to create a tradition that involves my bf's kids and year after year they begrudgingly show up eat, collect their presents and make a quick exit. Finally, after last year's episode my bf had told me he was done and not doing this any longer. He took full responsibility for the decision and contacted his kids. Additionally, he told them no more gifts since it's difficult to choose for one another year after year. Other than the holiday, they see their father for father's day. This year they collectively blew him off and sent a Happy Fathers Day text. The phone calls only going one way. If he doesn't call, he doesn't hear from them. For a long time at the urgence of his sponsor, he kept calling and I would also get on the phone to connect with them. He has stopped now and on rare ocassions he may get a text from his kids. If there's a death in the family, he may get a text from one of them.

This year when calling an end to this holiday ritual, he told his children if they wanted to see us they would have to make arrangements for that.  But rather than having us on the day and at those hours in one of their homes, they are choosing to see us  in advance of the holiday and would like us to bring food despite the fact that we have had them as our guests for many years now. One of his children then told him that his ex would be having them year after year not only when she typiically does but at the time that they'd been coming to our home. Another emailed and speculated that since it's alot of work to have them over, it was likely the reason for not doing it any longer. Of course this has absolutely nothing to do with it. And when bf said he was willing to have a conversation about all of it with them but not by text, email or by phone, there was no interest, no takers.

We are planning the same as we have in the past to holiday clean, decorate, invite friends. We have our traditions and will honor those traditions as we have. We'll be adding more time with recovery people, volunteering etc. 

There is a new baby in the family and we would like the baby to know us. We're choosing to accept this arrangement of my bf's kids this year. It's my bf's job to work his AA program as it pertains to his relationship with his children. It was his decision.  I do feel sad that they will not be coming to our home despite the immaturity and selfishness they've displayed but on another level I feel a sense of relief. The unresolved issues between them and him impact our relationship and we've spend too much time trying to figure out ways to fix it, to build more of a relationship with them. You can't make others do what they don't want to do. So now we've surrendered this to live our own lives and there's more serenity in our home. 

We'll be going by bf's kids plan this year. For my part, I will use the section of the Just for Today bookmark that speaks about being agreeable, looking your best, being courteous, non critical and regulating my own behavior. We'll bring food to their home as was requested and gratitude and I'll practice Let It Begin With Me. Participation is the key to harmony so I can make a conscious choice to keep hp in front of me concerning thoughts, words and actions. Staying present and looking for the positive and accepting what is with maturity and unconditional love is the goal. Keep an open mind is a workable slogan in this new situation. What if I approach this as something I truly want. This is true because we truly want to see them. There's a lot of power in changing my mind from negative thinking to positive thinking. This way, I'm making a conscious choice to choose serenity and not allow people, places or things to be my higher power. 

It's progress to be able to validate feelings of disappointment rather than stuff them. Feel, deal and heal. We can't change other people only adjust our own thinking to accept what is and frankly, make a decision to enjoy a holiday or any day no matter what others do or don't do.  

Happy Holidays ((hugs)) TT

 

Bless your heart, Wendy. I am sorry it is so hard.

We have moved around a lot and picked up friends in most places that we spent time with. For 3 years in a row, I, and then my mother and husband were invited to the home of my best friend from Jr. High's daughter--who had family--and us and it was just as I'd always wanted it to be since I'd grown up. That was very satisfying, and I got over any lingering disappointments. Christmas as a child was always pretty wonderful.

One year husband's parents were feeling the anticipated pain of what if they didn't get to be with family. Mind you, my first Christmas in the family, M-i-l served Christmas dinner from pans, on the kitchen table and then we went bowling. (She did better after she saw how I did it.) So in their case, it wasn't as if they were exactly broken down with real Christmas feelings--just all of our friends are with their children that day and where will we eat?

I told hubs at the time, if the time came when it was just the two of us, if we felt empty, we could go and help serve a feast to the poor and alone. And I still would, if I were alone and it bothered me.

I think it is easy to lay too much on the day which is after all a day to rejoice in our Lord's Birth. Baby Jesus comes whether we have a feast and a lot of presents or not.

I didn't grow up with extended family around, so so I am not typical. And I feel sorry for those who heap so many expectations on Christmas. Even our wonderful little hostess drove her family nuts because she wanted all of them to troop to her house for Christmas breakfast, and then come again in the late afternoon.

It is great that you are honoring yourself this year and doing what you can handle. I hope there is someone you know or meet between now and the 25th that you can spend some time with. And if not, I hope you can remember that you are loved and all is well. You seem like a very sweet and caring person. Be sure to use that on yourself. And by the way, I think there are a lot more people alone on Christmas than we imagine, and a lot who are in the middle of family and secretly wish they were somewhere else.

Bless you and thanks for sharing. I'll get on that day and see if you've posted and I will respond. Do you like movies? I don't think I've ever gone by myself, but I think I might if I felt a lack. I've flown on Christmas Day, twice. That is fun--the airports are not crowded, the planes are half-empty, and I suggest to people who are traveling then anyway to think about flying on The Day. Oh, and I sang in a Catholic Church choir that a friend conducted for about three years and I learned to love Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, and lots of them have several masses on Christmas Day. I still like to attend those--especially Midnight Mass. You can't feel alone hearing hymns and organ music and smelling beeswax candles and incense.

Hugs, Temple

Hi It's WendyP.

Thank You all so very much for all of your Sharings.I can relate to everything you have all said, and I am going to be honest, as I am trying to answer this through my tears. For myself, I have to see things as they are, as I see them.That is the only way I can live my life, whether it is right or wrong, when I have issues that cause me pain. I have to stop and pull it all to pieces, and see exactly what is going on, with who,and what. Then, look at how I can work my Programme with it. My pain gets my attention, as if I don't stop and look at it, then my life becomes unmanageable.

What is my pain, telling me, showing me at this time. I am ready to make tough decisions, I don't want to, but I know I need to, for myself. I am tired of trying to make the relationship that I thought I had with my Brother,work, also remembering of how I felt last Christmas Day, knowing that I wasn't looking after myself, I was causing my own pain, and hating every minute of where I was, and knowing of what I should have been doing, but hanging in there, because I didn't want to appear rude. I have decided to let my relationship go, with my brother, if he contacts me, then that is fine. I am not going to do the work anymore. To me if I keep doing what I have been, it's insanity. I know I am going to feel the pain of it.

Also, I know I have learnt in Alanon, that I can remove myself from any situation that I feel, am uncomfortable with. As well, with relationships, if 2 people are not working,at it, or are prepared to work at it, it becomes Unhealthy. If only one person is doing all of the work, then it is unbalanced. With both of my issues, I know, I just can't do it anymore, they have become Toxic for me. I am not judging, blaming anyone. I have come to far in my recovery for that, I know that these are my issues, not theirs, nor am I trying, wanting anyone else to change. I know that I have to. When I am in pain, I read this from, In all our Affairs.

We all go through periods of sadness, lethargy, and grief==== that's part of life. Alanon cannot solve every problem. 'There are times when I have to hurt through a situation, and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting. It brings me a lot of Peace. With Christmas Day, I am planning on spending it with people that I know love and want to be with me. I also am going to Live One Day at a Time, and focus on the good things, and People that I have in my life, and give the other stuff to my Higher Power. I know I will get through it, and for today, I have the Australian Open Golf on the TV, which I love,next week, I will be watching, both the Golf, and the first Test against New Zealand.

Once again, thank you all for your sharings, you have helped me so much.

Love WendyP.

Hi Posies & Poppies,

Thank you for your sharing, I can relate of what you have said,  as even after all my years in Alanon, I still get scared  of sharing exactly what I feel,/think.  Once time, when I was going to my meetings, I stood up and shared from the heart as exactly, what I thought about  something. I got slaughtered, and the reason for it,  I believe was pure jealously. The person who did it to me, was jealous of how I worked my recovery. She wanted it but didn't want to do the work, and she knew that  I knew what she was doing. She waited her chance and got me. The thing was also, that people who I had known in Alanon for many years, believed her. It was an awful and painful time for me, and it became so Toxic, My Higher Power told me that I had to let my meetings go. I never let my Programme go, I worked that harder, and it has got me where I am today. But it has taken me so much courage, to step out, and be myself. Even for this online programme.

To me, the way I share, is that if I am not honest with myself, and say what I believe, then I can't be honest with myself. Sure, not everyone will agree with me, but  when I am going the wrong way, I know that My Higher Power will stop me, and direct me the way He wants me to be.

Believe in yourself, and be who you want to be.

Love WendyP.

(((Wendy))) - my experience is that when I am in pain, physical, emotional or spiritual, it's not always the best time for me to consider choices for taking action. I just seem to be better at talking things out and reasoning things out when I'm close to the center. The only way I know to get close to my center is through prayer, meditation, program efforts.

As far as sharing honestly and openly, if I am speaking from my heart and it's my experience, strength and hope, I can detach from those who give advice and/or cross-talk. Like all things for me in recovery, it took practice, practice and more practice to 'take what I like and leave the rest'...My level of serenity is not based on how long I've been in recovery but rather the level of trust/effort I am willing to give to the program...Quality vs. Quantity! When I remain open, I learn from everyone - even those I would never relate to in another area of life!

(((Hugs))) - like PnP - I really like what you shared. How lovely it would be if recovery solved all my problems and took away all my sadness/fears - not reality - yet my life is greatly improved just by practicing the principles as best I can!