The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope the holiday season is off to a great start for everyone! We have celebrated Thanksgiving here, started getting Christmas decorations out, and I am eating every carb in sight, so the holidays are officially underway:).
Todays reading is about detachment with love. The writer describes how surprising it was that detaching with love was part of the growth in alanon. It seemed like detaching was the opposite of love and caring. Over time the writer began to realize that caring often took the form of reacting to the As behavior and even manipulating others in his or her life. It became apparent to the writer that the role in terms of other people was always to feed off of others behavior. The writers sponsor suggested that detachment is not about not caring but rather it is about caring equally for ourselves as we do others!
This reading reminded me that I grew up believing the virtue of selflessness to such an extent that it superseded everything. The behavior and actions of others often came before any thought I had of myself. Its taken some time to realize how unhealthy that is, not only for me but for the others I have been allegedly thinking of all this time! The last couple of sentences on this page resonated with me- that being kind and thoughtful is positive but if its wrapped up in the belief that we can fix or change (control) someone else that the motives become skewed.
This page is a reminder for me that I have plenty to keep track of in my own life, and the best person I can be for anyone else in my life, is the person who understands that the only behavior I can control or change is my own.
Thank you Mary for your service, I so appreciate you being here!!
I had to laugh at your "...eating every carb in sight" comment! I too have thrown my super-low carb eating lifestyle to the wind and have enjoyed all the bounty of my Thanksgiving feast! My kid and I put up our Christmas lights on our "Tiny house," and I am feeling the need to begin the inside decorations! One great thing about being forced to downsize... everything is pared down, even your decorations! LOL!
MY first foray into Al-Anon I thought the same thing as the reading - namely, Detaching with Love? I practiced the "I'm so mad I could spit" version of detachment. LOL! Seriously though, there was too much anger in me to find my compassion. That was a shocking realization for me! I really had to work on that. Took about 6 months. Even when I agreed to take him back, all my trust was shattered. Sadly, looking back, that trust never came back, and I have trust issues to this day.
The second foray, I actually embraced Detaching with Love. I wanted so badly to be the "best Al-Anon wife ever!" (problem with perfection, much?) But as my life spiraled, I found that I had reached MY bottom... that my "Detaching with Love" morphed into Detaching with Indifference." And you know what the opposite of love is, right? It's not hate. It's indifference. That is when I realized I had reached my emotional bottom within the relationship. I found, just like what was mentioned above, that my caring was really my efforts to change my qualifier. I was so fearful of being forced down the road of Welfare, debt, and the shame of my marriage crumbling, I tried anything and everything to cease that from happening... all while feeding my denial that nothing was wrong! Nothing actually worked, and I lost myself in the process. Through Step 4, I was able to see that I too, had a skewed view of selflessness. It has taken me quite a while to understand not only my part, but also that I had no control over another!
Again, Mary, thank you for this opportunity to review this part of my process/journey. I work on ME every day. Some days I do more than others. Some days I find that I have slipped a little into old behaviors - this is how I realign myself with the principles of Al-Anon. I am grateful for this medium.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Mary and P... I laugh out loud at both your comments. Was I being irreverent? I think we can laugh now- at all our follies and mistakes...
...mainly because we share the same mistakes. "Service" is not a big deal in NZ. But a central part of the US culture. We tend to call people by their first names. We call the queen "Liz".
But the similarities far surpass the differences! My SO was flying north yesterday but all planes were grounded. So I have to get to an airport further out- to get her away! A fine day for starters... ...
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I too chuckled @ the carb consumption - and can relate!
Detaching with love was as foreign to me as a non-native language. I arrived with 'my' definition of right/wrong, good/bad, etc. and extremely black/white thinking. Detachment did sound selfish, self-serving and an excuse to ignore or dismiss another. It took me a while to figure out that detachment was for me and about me and had nothing to do with the other person, place or thing! My boundaries today are not at or towards a person - they are for me, completely and consistently applied across the board. Embracing 'all' available tools in recovery taught me how to value myself enough to create boundaries that didn't hurt others at the same time.
I did begin my journey detaching with indifference/anger. As I became more authentic in my own skin, and figured out how to identify my needs vs. my wants, detaching with love became easier. Today, it is refreshing to allow others to be who they need to be and act as they need to act and remove myself figuratively or physically to avoid being affected/sucked in. I have been greatly humbled by some events this holiday that have reminded me, yet again, that I and all others are imperfect humans, doing our best based on where we are and what we have. I am more grateful today than yesterday that I have a program and tools in recovery.
Happy Sunday to my MIP family! Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My kid and I put up our Christmas lights on our "Tiny house," and I am feeling the need to begin the inside decorations! One great thing about being forced to downsize... everything is pared down, even your decorations! LOL!
Mary and P... I laugh out loud at both 
...