The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We first met three years ago through an internet dating site. I recently looked at the profile I had written. I was requesting an honest, caring, healthy person. I specifically stated I did not want someone who had an addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling or pornography. You wrote to me. We corresponded for a week, and then you phoned me. I remember I was at a low point in my life. I remember that I had been dating different men for 3 years and I was tired of dating, I was tired of the lies, I was tired of the pretense. I was tired of starting over. I wanted security. I wanted sameness. I wanted stability. And I told you all of this in our first conversation. And I told you what I wanted in a husband. And I told you what I wanted for my life. And you said you wanted the same things.... and so we met.
We met on a very cold day in December. You told me you knew how to treat a woman with kindness and gentleness. You said that your wife would always come first in your life. You said you were employed. You said you were 49 years old. You said you were healthy. You said you had no addictions. You said you had never struck a woman. You said that you would never cheat. You said.... And I believed you. I believed you because I am trusting. I believed you because I am naive. I believed you because I wanted to believe. And for this I shall take the blame.
We dated. We lived together for a year. I found you drunk lots of times. I wanted to break up with you. But you said you would give up drinking. And I believed you. You stopped going to work. You said you would find another job. And I believed you. We went and got the marriage license. On the marriage license you listed your age as 54. And when I questioned this you said I must have misunderstood. And I believed you.... but I went back and checked your profile which I had saved on my computer. And you had clearly stated you were only 49. But you said the lie didn't really matter. You said you loved me. You said you had given up drinking for me. And I believed you. And then I found the eMails between you and other women. eMails you had sent while we were engaged to be married. eMails you had sent to other women while we lived together. eMails that should not have ever been sent. And you said that you didn't realize it would hurt me. And you said it was only for your ego. And you said you would stop immediately. And I believed you. I believed you because I wanted to believe. And for this I shall take the blame.
We married. And I found the hidden bottles. I said I wanted to go to Al-anon. You demanded that I not go. You said that Al-anon would try to ruin our marriage. You said that Al-anon would be just a gripe session. You said I didn't need Al-anon. And so I lied. I told you I was going to a grief support meeting. But I was really going to Al-anon. And you found out. And you threatened me with violence. And I quit going. I quit going because I believed your threats of violence. You agreed to go to marriage counseling. And so I set up an appointment for us with someone whom I felt you would connect. But you didn't like him because he questioned your drinking. And you said that he wasn't looking out for your best interest. And you said that I said terrible, horrendous things about you because I questioned your drinking. And one night when you were so drunk, I came home from work to find that you had destroyed my office, ripped apart my computer, and posted threatening notes all over the house. And you claim to have done this because I said terrible, horrendous things to the therapist about your drinking, which you take personally. And for this I am to blame.
And you quit working at the store. You left me to shoulder the responsibility all by myself. I worked like a dog 12 hours a day 7 days a week. And you didn't appreciate that. And you complained that I wouldn't cook your dinner. And you complained that I didn't clean the house. And you sat home each and every day drinking, and playing computer games, and watching TV and sleeping. And so, I sold the business. And you blame me for selling it. And you told me you want a divorce. And I said ok. And I went to an attorney and had the papers drawn up. And I did this at my expense. And you blame me for starting the divorce.
And you tell me that the only reason we are divorcing is because I went to al-anon. And that everything is my fault. And you tell me that the empty bottles which magically multiply are left overs from when you did drink. And you tell me the full bottles which magically empty themselves are not really there. And you wonder why I don't believe you. And you tell me that I have lost all faith in you. And you tell me that because I lost faith in you we are getting a divorce. And it is all my fault and I am to blame.
But I am growing stronger. And I will accept that which I did wrong. And I will work hard never to make this mistake again. And I will learn to be alone and to deal with the lonliness. And I will learn not to trust so easily. And I will learn to have boundaries. And I will learn to protect myself.
And I will wish you a safe trip as you leave in search of somewhere else to lay the blame.
Wow you got out a lot of your deep feelings in this share. Sometimes it really helps to just let it all out. I love writing. There are times I'll write someone a letter without ever intending to actually give it to them. I just need to get all my feelings out and look at them in black and white.
I'm glad you're seeking recovery for yourself. The scarey part is that even with all the pain and hurts you've dealt with in your alcoholic marriage, if you weren't in recovery yourself chances are extremely high that your next relationship would end up being with another addict of some kind.
When I read your share I noticed all the unacceptable behavior that you accepted from early on in the relationship. The lies, broken promises, misplaced blame etc. We've all done that and hopefully all are working hard to stop repeating the same mistakes. We all have been guilty of accepting unacceptable behavior. I so admire people who don't accept the unacceptable. I have a friend who is a very no nonsense type person. She says what she means and means what she says and she doesn't even have to say it mean, she just states her feelings in a matter of fact kind of way. It is my goal to be like that. I'm getting better over the years, but still find myself always worrying that I may hurt someones feelings, or make someone feel uncomfortable if I call them on some unacceptable thing they are doing that affects me.
But when my program kicks in I tell myself that *I* am important. That *my* feelings matter. That there's NO earthly reason for me to pussyfoot around a situation when someone is clearly behaving unacceptably toward me. That doesn't always make it easier for me to address the situation, but it sure does make me fully aware that I need to address it. If I don't.......then there I go again accepting the unacceptable and the insanity continues.
For instance when I know someone is lying to me and in my head I'm thinking *how dare you insult my intelligence by boldly lying straight to my face like this?* But I still hesitate to call them on it or state that I know differently from what they're telling me. If someone has the nerve to lie to me, why do I feel uncomfortable calling them on it? I shouldn't and this is something I am working hard on in my life. I have always accepting unacceptable behavior that others wouldn't dream of tolerating. Why? Well there's alot of reason and working the steps brought them all to light for me. My fear of abandoment for one. I secretly felt if I didn't accept others poor behavior then they would abandon me and that's the last thing I wanted. So I would tolerate nonsense just to keep someone in my life. My people pleasing character defect.......if I confronted others on their behavior toward me then I knew they'd be upset and that in itself would upset me. My list goes on and on and anon.......and that's why I will be working this program for the rest of my life.
Good luck in your recovery.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
That's Ok - take the blaim, as long as you don't believe it.
I married a lay minister from the church, who took a week off of work to help me with my house, and the rest was history. He was seperated from his adultress ex-wife whom he blaimed everything on. He drank very little, with friends at dinner, on hot days after working outside. Then about a year into our marriage the real person came out. I had a nightly passing out drunk peeing the bed. How could a church leader be like this?
The two faces of of an A.
My Dad is/ was ( I hope) so upset when I left. How could I leave such s devote Christian, hard-working man? He is so handy around the house, does so much for you and the boys. I had to tell him ALL the details before he would cut off ties with him and believe his daughter that it was time to leave.
My AH's family gave up on him years ago and said to get rid of him, he has always been an angry person. I started Alanon instead. I learned I have broad shoulders and can take the blaim for what ever comes my way, because I only have to keep my side of the street clean. He can tell my Dad what a terrible wife I was how I did nothing around the house. He is finding out now, just how much time it takes for sure. The bills alone are driving him crazy, trying to get a handle on a budget without my income! He calls constantly with questions, which I am happy to answer, but giggle to myself, because if he had listened to me all along he would know the answers. I didn't hide money, I matched his income and saved the rest. A concept he doesn't know anything about, and didn't care that I did, except that I had money when I wanted it and he didn't. In early days I would say do the math $13/18 pack x 15 a month minimum at home = your savings, your choice. Post Alanon I walked away.
Anyway, I care not what anyone thinks of me, except myself. Can I live with myself? That is all that matters. Alanon has made me a linebacker!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hello, ditto, Thank you for your powerful share. I know I would not have met my husband, who is a kind, gentle, generous person - to me and to the world - if I had not told God I would accept the loneliness, if that's what my journey was to be. I know what it is like to be lonely, and I know what it is like to have my life change by using the tools of the Program: face to face meetings, a sponsor, the Steps, working on my life. Thank God you had the courage to go to Alanon and to learn the difference between words and actions. Prayers for you. Your share means a lot to me. mebjk
Oh, my dear friend, this is all so painfully poignant and telling. As a trusting person like yourself, I can tell you that we never learn not to trust. We always expect others to be honest and trustworthy as we are, and we are always blindsided when it happens again even though we might say, "I should have seen that coming!"
My own A told me all the things yours did. He wrote them in loving, beautiful letters, all of which I still have, and I never questioned him. He told me every glowing, charming, wonderful, irresistable, sweet thing about himself. He didn't mention the fact that he was an alcoholic. The knight in shining armor was not quite so shiny after all.
But we go on. We pick ourselves up and keep on keeping on because we are strong and we are survivors. My prayers are with your continued recovery. And I hope the happiness you deserve will appear soon and for all time.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Look how much+ you have grown. So sad you had to go thru this. I guess I don't take it as a fault. I see it as you gave your all until there was nothing else to give to a dead marriage.
From now on things will get better and better. love,debilyn
Well Ditto ,that was awsome . I hope u share that with your A as u walk out the door. go out like the lady that u are and walk in confidence knowing that u will be okay with out him.
And I am with Josey , hoping you don't believe that you are the reason he is doing this, we all made mistakes but taking care of you isn't one of them. good luck Louise
I have printed your post and will save it for the lonely times after my A husband and I separate.I will read it (along with my own journal) and remember why it had to end.
I felt like crying for you when I read it.And for myself because I have felt the disillusionment,and the ache of broken trust.When your gut tells you he's wrong,"no I don't think that is right", but you (I) choose to believe anyway.How I have abandonned myself and let myself down because I did not listen to ME when I KNEW something was wrong.I wanted so to believe him.And I did for years like you.
I am no expert but I think you have writing talent. so glad you're here
Ditto I feel privileged that you chose to share that with us on the board. It would have to be one of the most heartfelt that I have read since coming here. It gave me a lump in my throat. I wish life's journey had been kinder to you. Please know you are loved by us all and there will be something better around the corner for you. ((()) Luv leo xx
