Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

just another Thanksgiving & a reason to be grateful!

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

cry Kath. I called out my anger and called it what it was- -rage-. Hot simpering rage- and also cold sullen rage, at times.

Now i see anger as a friend and ally. It helps tell me when i am in danger. It helps take care of my fear- which must be a close cousin to anger.

We don't have Thanksgiving here- down under- and Christmas is a big family time- with heaps of family expectations. And a time, along with New Year's Eve, where drinking and other things can get in the way of the relaxation and fun... but I do hear you sister- at your loss and regret.

Take care out there... aww ...

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Kathleen))) - I am sorry you have sadness today! Sending you positive energy for more peaceful/happy thoughts! My experience is that parenting/parenthood is no guarantee that your offspring will be around to help or provide care as one ages. I have 2 sons, and both have already told me that they have no intentions of 'this role' and asked I find someone else to be executor of my will/final desires. I suppose some might consider this odd, selfish, or worse - while I was sad with their response, I was really not surprised. We've had a ton of difficulties in our relationship and while things are better, we are where we are! I am a bit older than you and my AH is a bit older than I, so these discussions are necessary and timely.

I have a nephew and niece who are both willing to take care of my needs with aging. They have the power of attorney and will be executors. This works for me, just for today. I have a few older friends in recovery who are estranged from their children. I am their emergency point of contact and in a couple cases, have medical power of attorney. For me, family has become a word I use for those I want to be with, trust with my life/emergencies and know will do what they can, when they can for me.

I hope you can get to meetings soon - they have made all the difference for me! Meanwhile, we're here as best we can be for you! I'm grateful you're a part of my journey!

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Kath just an idea?...go do some service where it is needed or you are needed and have some fun doing it. The program and the fellowship gave me so many offers to do this and I cannot express the amount of gratitude I have had for it. Give it a shot and let us hear back. (((((hugs))))) wink smile

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

When I met my ex husband he had just had a child. Eventually he made some kind of a relationship with that child which was something that the mother wanted. He died last year and there is no mention of any child in any obituary. Some people have children and never have a relationship with them. He certainly didnt. I know many people who are not part of their children's lives. I can certainly relate to grieving choices I did not get to make. My family were extraordinarily abusive. That set me up for a lifetime of issues which do not abate over time. Twenty years ago this month I saw my family in what was a last bid to come to terms with the issues. When I came back I fell gravely ill. I almost died. There are many of us in that boat of real concrete hardship from our family of origin. For some of us contact with our family would involve tremendous hardship. There is no shame in admitting that. These days I have no longing for my family of origin but I do not have any expectations of them either I cannot change the fact of where I come from. What I can do these days is take care of myself on a minute yo minute basis. One of the issues that got me real tied up with an alcoholic was that longing almost a craving for me to be taken care of. For me it was a huge vulnerability that almost destroyed me All I can do today is to take care of myself. I feel like I can drown in grief some days but less so because I am more focused on the next right thing . I have already spent many years grieving the losses from my childhood in therapy and other venues. You are not alone in your predicament For me the program is a lifesaver in detaching. That is detachimg in the terrible swamp of immense grief and anger. Then it is also essential in detaching around triggers. Certain times of year are very triggering. I spent decades looking for therapists to help me around the holidays. Then they all promptly take off for extended vacations (lol). I spent a lot of time in recovery rooms around the holidays feeling immensely triggered. In some ways I never felt worse in a recovery room than I did around the holiday my grief felt exceptionally raw Then I spent years being around the family of origin for my significant other and that too was a landmine of issues. Since I was prone to merge with others their issues became my issues. Getting to a point where I attended to me, just me was a lifetime. Now I can't say the holidays are a time of joy and gratitude. Nevertheless they are manageable and not the desperate time they once were. I know that many people will resonate with your grief and anger and I hope that brings you relief to be validated to be known I.feel known in this room and that is a rarity. I cherish that. Maresie

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I understand and relate to the fears you have (((Kathleen)) and the grieving. I go in and out of these feelings but they're especially triggered during the holiday season. I think of something I've heard in the program "comparing and despair." When I'm in the "if onlies" I'm outwardly focused on how others are living and projecting that they have a great life. Feelings of shame and inadequacy typically overtake me. I wish for a marvelous family including children who would love me so much they'd be devoted to me in old age as a show of gratitude because I'd been a loving mother to them. Additionally, I scrutinize my own relationship with my deceased parents and regret not having done even more for them. I recognize this as distorted thinking that for me often leads to self pity. I really need to be mindful of this and not give power to it. For me it's a choice whether I want to give power to these old tapes and replay them over and over. If I spent a short time on these thoughts, share them here or in person with someone, have a good cleansing cry that's ok for me as long as it's a catalyst for taking my power back to honor the life I have been given and using the gifts I have to live my best life so to speak. The only way out for me is moving through these feelings to acceptance and gratitude.

But them what? What do people do who feel something is missing in their lives like children or a family to belong to or something else? Well I have been trying to fill that hole with some new experiences that give me happiness and possibly give happiness to others. We are not alone. There really are so many people out there who are in need - young people who need someone to talk to, babies that need holding. Getting out of myself and giving to others helps me to feel less fearful and more purposeful and that replaces my fear with self assurance and awareness of a loving hp that is guiding my life and caring for me.

I am always going to grieve my losses but when the thinking goes on for too long, it's time to get up and do something to take care of myself, love myself and connect in person or by phone to someone in the program or another trusted friend rather than fall into a pit of sadness over the past. I can't change the past but I can change my response to my stinking thinking concerning it. It's my own lack of faith that creates my fears. If I truly believe a loving hp is guiding my life and taking care of me, there is no reason to think that will stop. I have no reason to believe that if I do some footwork concerning planning for old age, hp will then be on the hearts and minds of those caring out decisions on my behalf and it will be good because hp will have a hand in it. ((hugs)) TT

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for this response to Hoot, tiredtonight... it really resonated with me!

((((((((((((((((Kathleen)))))))))))))))))))) Extra hugs to hopefully carry you through the rest of the holidays!

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanksgiving and Christmad used to be a terrible time for me. Thanks to al anon I.can now make it less important. Thanks to al anon I can detach I.did a lot of grieving about my family of origin. Then somehow I always found people who effectively abandoned me at Christmas and Thanksgiving. That is without fail Making these holidays less important.is an art. I.have to focus hard on it Detachimg.from all the craziness. I worked retail for 5 years. That helped to make it clear that lots of people do not have that great a time. I also just couldn't suffer anymore. I found.myself suicidal around the holidays. I cannot say I have wonderful holidays but they are no longer a focal point of my life I no l Ionger dread them I.certainly have my issues but I no longer have terrible problems at this time of year I used to rail about detachment how I hated the concept. I felt that feeling the feelings was essential that catharsis was essential. Now detachment is.my.mainstay. At this time of year, that is such a relief

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene