The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel that it has a lot to do with boundaries. I did not create my own boundaries, in the beginning- that were made around me. I just reacted and assumed that "this is life".
It did not work out and I had to come into Alanon to relearn stuff. I read the phrase:
Recover or Repeat
Recover or Repeat
-oops... change or die, really. Die inwardly, at the very least. A deep sense of hopelessness. Fate.
In my journey through the steps i wrote this down: I will mind my business, and you can mind yours- but If we have business to deal with together, that will be fine. I no longer wanted to go on a lonely journey. I found time alone was fruitful- in Step 11... ...but one of the ironies was that this bought me closer to other people. Friendship, and emotional intimacy. The emotional sobriety that Bill W. spoke about in the original Big Book.
Our youngest daughter turns 30 today... it just seems like yesterday that the kids were running around in the yard.
I have stuff to do still and amends to make. Not direct amends any more, really. The amends I make now- with steps 10,11,12, is to be the best person I can. To be a good example of what Alanon can do... promotion by attraction.
I found this notebook with the three 'A's in it... from Courage To Change, 1st of April...
Awareness, Acceptance, Action... my actions used to be more like a fly in a bottle, really. Or a hamster in an endless wheel. Very little sense of direction. A recipe for exhaustion.
I felt that I needed leverage and traction. I felt that it had to be okay to say and do certain things in Alanon. I sometimes projected my old world onto the new and was afraid to do anything! Scared of abandonment and rejection.
But the contact and connection comes into play here. I can actually ask- what gives here? What goes?
I feel like if I step out of line I might be gently corrected. Offered guidance. ...
Sometimes also I might be able to negotiate- what the limits are.
Not something I could do easily in my family of origin. ...
I feel that now I have some good basic boundaries. I have done a lot of thinking about personal space- myself and other's. And now I know how to deal with this... to feel a sense of safety- and to offer a sense of safety- most of the time.
Busy-ness... ...this caught up on me... activity, involvement... being a part of a healthy group. ...
I am going to come back to this after work today... reread and digest this.
Thank you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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