The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My boyfriend has been an addict and alcoholic off and on for 14 years. He has had past stints in rehab and stints in jail. He had been clean 9 months this time. For the first time it felt different like he had truly hit rock bottom. Friday evening he went no contact and still has not surfaced.
I have been attending alanon meetings and working the program for some time. While his recovery is on him i love him and refuse to give up on him and us.
Where does he go from here? Where do i go? How do I best encourage and help him? Not enable, but help.
((Amisfitlife))) You are not alone I myself came to alanon with the same questions. This is a dreadful disease that you are witnessing. it not only affects the person who has the illness but the entire family. Meetings helped me to feel supported and offered new tools o live by. The literature is extremely helpful so please search out a meeting and know that you are powerless.
Welcome amisfitlife. Glad you're here, and glad to hear you get to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. I find in times like these increasing the number of meetings I get to helps significantly, as well as talking with my sponsor. It helps me shift the focus of my naturally obsessive mind.
Remember the three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it. I'm saying those because your question is on the knife's edge of you falling into a place of feeling like you have some kind of power in his life versus just wanting to be a good human being to another human being who's suffering.
I think for me detachment with love is an invaluable tool in situations like these. It means "I'm going to love you and let you be you just as you are right now, but I'm not going to try to improve your life for you. I know you can do this. I have faith in you and believe in you."
If you have literature, pull it out and search the index for anything on Detachment and read up on it. Maybe something there will be helpful for you while you're between meetings and if your sponsor isn't available for a call right now.
Welcome to MIP amistfitlife - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I also am glad to hear that you're already attending Al-Anon and tending to your own recovery - that's so very, very important when we love someone with this disease. Mostly for our sanity and peace of mind but also in determining how to 'help' those we love with the disease.
My personal experience is that nothing I say, do, threaten, promise, write, shout or share has changed the actions of my 'guys' when the disease is active, and also when they are practicing recovery. The more I focus on me, enforce my boundaries and detach, the less I am affected. This does not mean I hide from them, close doors on them or refuse interaction with them. My boundaries and tools allow me to continue unconditional love while practicing acceptance. It's extremely hard to watch one we love self-destruct from the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
I do believe in the power of prayer, not for my will but for God's will. I rely heavily on my sponsor and local support when I am in pain over this disease and I try to increase my meetings, service, etc. all with the intent to keep my actions and focus on myself, my sanity and my recovery. I do know that in my home, my best tool for peace is to practice my recovery each day, to the best of my ability, even if others are 'on fire' around me. I have clearly defined what 'help' I will give through my boundaries, and it's mostly about detox, rehab, outside professional help. Staying present and living one day at a time helps me limit projection, which always gets me in trouble.
Know that you are not alone - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
