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I believed my A when he said he wouldn't drink anymore. I believed when he begged me not to leave me. I believed when he promised he wouldn't make my final semester of university hell. Now I feel stupid.
There are two weeks left in the term. I graduate in less then a month. In a month after that I have to pick up everything I've made in this country and move back to the one I grew up in. It's not easy. I'm lucky because in two months i'll be 4,000 miles away from him. But I don't think i'll be able to escape what he's done.
He came home drunk last night. one of his best friends is moving back to Austraila so he went out with his mates. He said he's be back at about 11:30, he rolled in at 2:30. I know better not to fight with him when he's drunk but I was so angry. I haven't been sleeping much and I guess because I was so tired I decided that it was unfair that he got to sleep when I was incapable of sleep because of my anger.
We've been fighting all day and I don't know where else to turn. I feel terrible asking him not to drink but I feel even worse when he does. the worst part is he doesn't seem to see the problem. Somehow this is all my fault. I feel like the only way I can coap is to shut down completely. But I know I'm going to end up compromising my happiness which isn't fair either. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? Please help.
Welcome Hanna. Glad you are here. First of all, you are not stupid. You are very smart for coming here! We have all been where you are. We have all believed the Alcoholic. You will, if you keep coming back, learn a new way of life. I am fairly new here, myself, been here since Dec. and my life has changed dramatically, day by day. You will find understanding, acceptance, and caring here. If you can, find an alanon meeting ASAP and get some literature. You don't have to be miserable.
And, just because you are planning to move, and be away from the Alcoholic in your life, remember, you take you wherever you go! And this program is for you. I was in alanon years ago, when I was married to an A, but when we got divorced, I thought I didn't need it anymore. So, what did I do? I married another A! Different man, same problems. Hmmmmm, common denominator= ME!
Glad you are here. The chatroom is another excellent place to vent your feelings and gain understanding of this disease. You can find your way out of the insanity. You can be happy!
Alcohol can change even the most loving, christian person into a beast. Don't beat yourself up. Your young and have your whole life ahead of you, learn from this and watch your future choices, we tend to repeat the same patterns in life.
There is no point if fighting about it, especially if you are going home. Dettach from the drinking and enjoy the time you have together. You do have the right to set up boundaries, like I do not wish to be around you after you start drinking.
Good Luck and keep coming back.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I'd be willing to wager that each and every one of us "believed" our A's, many times over, on similar (empty) promises.... That doesn't make us stupid.... Naive about the full nature of this disgusting disease perhaps, but not stupid.
You'll find support here, and in Al-Anon circles, wherever you end up.... I wish you well.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You're not stupid Hanna. He is an alcoholic. He lies. And you'll get nowhere arguing with him. The ability to reason flies out the window when they drink.
It's good that you are here among understanding people who can lead you to understanding the alcoholic mind. Also face-to-face AlAnon meetings will help you take care of yourself.
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hello, Hanna, We are so glad you've found your way to Alanon. We don't give advice, but we do share our own experience, strength and hope. Congratulatons to you for finishing college! One of the things we say in Alanon is to get to some meetings, and if, after a time, Alanon isn't for you, we'll refund your misery! We have all lived with the insanity of alcoholism. We know that after a time, living with alcoholism makes us sick, too. Alanon has truly changed my life. I now have a gentle life, as opposed to a crazy life. It is truly possible. How did this happen? I worked the Program. It doesn't happen by magic, it happens by a lot of hard work: going to meetings, finding a sponsor, who is someone in the Program who is also working the Steps and who will help you and be there for you when you are especially upset and angry, and working the Steps. The Steps have changed my life. Wherever you go after you are finished with school, make sure you find Alanon. Even if you are no longer with the alcoholic - or if you are - make sure you find alanon. And keep coming back here. We care. Your telling your story is important for our own recovery, too. Blessings and Prayers to you, mebjk
Everyone here is familure with what you are going through and how you feel. I am new at this program, but I highly recommend it since you have now been exposed to an alcoholic. There are lots of them out there, and they are hard to avoid.
One of the things I really didn't understand until recently may be good info for you. All people who are alcoholics lie, but not always to us. That sounds stupid doesn't it. When they make promises many times they think they can acturally do that thing (whatever X is).
But they can't back up thier good intentions with actions because they are sick. They don't function the way other people do. You can't apply logic to what they say.
This took me a lot of time to figure out, but it has helped me to not get my feelings hurt as bad. Nobody likes to be lied to, but if you store his words away as "something he said" then if it works out great... if it doesn't you didn't get lied to. (Can't be chased if you don't run...)
My wife is an active alcoholic, and before I heard this, I really got upset with not being able to decode what she was saying into what she meant. I am trying not to figure it out and just take it one day at a time.
Hope this helps you ... it did me.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
As I'm sure others have given ESH so eloquently, I read in some Alanon literature that asking someone to stop drinking when they have the disease of Alcoholism is like asking someone with Tuberculosis not to cough. When my "a" goes out and starts with that one beer or one drink its over, he'll have many many more until he's plastered. Its the nature and the beast of this disease. Its almost like as soon as the alcohol hits the system an allergic reaction happens and the "a" needs more to satiate the craving. Giving up your life and your happiness to keep him in check will probably only cause you more misery. I have learned as well not to fight with the "a" when he's drunk or the morning after. His mind is still foggy and his thinking is still dulled. If he has done something while drunk to upset me or offend me, I wait until later in the day to let him know about it, that I didn't appreciate it, and then drop it and move on. Of course he doesn't take responsibility for his actions if I'm accussing or blaming, but stating my facts and letting him sit with those thoughts for a while has been bringing him around to say, I'm sorry or you are right. I have learned that our fights and me nagging and ridiculing him about his drinking has only caused more resentment, guilt, and anger. I have learned that he used those fights as an excuse to drink. Focusing on myself and doing things that make me happy regardless of whether he drinks or not has benefited my state of mind tremendously. I still have the fear at times, I still have slip ups all the time with obsessing and trying to control a situation I have no business controlling, but I'm getting better at keeping my mouth shut and not allowing his crappy mood or his selfish motives take away my enjoyment in life.
This disease sucks in everyone around the "a". The "a" can't see that.... they focus on themselves and their drinking, it doesn't leave much room for compassion, empathy, or understanding for those they are hurting. Thank you for sharing, posting your experiences helps us think about our own experiences and reflect and learn from each other. Take care of you first. Sounds like you have some great things in life to look forward to. Keep sharing and try to get to a F/F if you can.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You can ask him to not drink but that won't work either . he is then put in a position to lie to you and sneak. Accept that he drinks and it has not hing to do with you and you will finally get some peace of mind . There is nothing you can do about him but alot u can do for yourself, take care of you , study and graduate . that is the best thing u can do for you at the moment. i wish I had a magic cure for you but i dont . Just take care of you one day at a time.
I am in a similar situation. Thanks for sharing because it makes me feel less alone. I am just trying to focus on graduating in the midst of a storm. It is all I can do to finish my work, but I know I have to do it for myself. Keep going!
The disease is smarter than the A and us and that is why we keep falling for the lies/stories/best intentions. As Alanon says focus on yourself and you studies and impending graduation. The A won't stop drinking but you can certainly ask him to drink somewhere else or be quiet why you study. My A pulled one of his "and I am out of here" when I was studying for my comps. It was difficult but I just put on my headset and studies anyway.
You have alot of support here at MIP when you need it. This is not about stupidity but about growth which is painful sometime.
