((d53))

I don't feel there are really any sharks. Just different stages of recovery, different attitudes, different people and most of all different perceptions of what is happening.
Voice inflection doesn't come across in type, so sometimes that is a problem too. Some people are so defensive when they come in it is hard to talk to them at all.

I've seen people come in and question everything Alanon is about in a negative manner. They want to fix everything immediately and when they find out they can't they get even more frustrated and defensive. I've tried to help a negative person for up to 2hrs as they asked the same questions over and over, wanting a different answer. Not too long ago there was someone many tried to help and finally we had to just stop. The person didn't really want our help, they wanted to argue and defend their situation. As you are here longer you'll see all the different personalities. None of them are bad, as I said..Just different stages of recovery.

We all have individual backgrounds. What may rip the heart of one, has no reaction at all to another.

You are very welcome to sit in chat and observe, but please at least say HI/Bye to people, reason being as there is a "no idle" rule in chat for our own protection.
After about 10 min, if you have not been heard from a moderator may PM you and ask if you are there. There's a good reason for this, although some get a lil pissy about being kicked..lol But it is actually for their own protection.

For the safety of our members imagine this scenerio: A member is in chat and gets distracted, forgets that the chatroom is up on the computer. Maybe they have said they are leaving their A, or what an a--hole he or she is.
The A walks by, sees the chatroom rolling by and sits down, scrolls back and sees everything the person has said about him/her. For some, this could mean a beating.
Another scenerio could be the A sits down and decides to create havoc in the room, all under the name of the person that walked away.

The moderators have no way of knowing what may happen when someone is idle too long, so for the protection of all, and to keep from being removed, it is best to participate, even it is just as little as a greeting.

Keep coming back and put on your wetsuit :)
Christy

You are a sweet sensitive person in a tough place in your life right now. I'm sorry you found yourself in an unexpected negative situation. Ironically, I recently told my church minister that I had been sharing, participating in al-anon, and that sometimes I have been able to actually influence a negative situation in a positive way, and how validating that was for me.  To  my surprise, he said, "Don't be surprised if you also go into a positive situation and find a negative response" I didn't even know what he meant at the time.

The thing is, although we think of al-anon as this sweet oasis, its a public domain, and all kinds of people are attracted to this site. We don't really know who they are or what their intentions are. I like Christy's description that they are just people, not sharks, people in different stages of recovery (from different kinds of challenges, too). After time it isn't so hard to discern between those that are here to get or give help, and those who are not. I know you to be sincere, so allow yourself to focus on the ones who are either asking for, or offering help, and you'll find the bright lights here:) At least thats what has helped me.

Some people don't go to chat, they spend a lot of time in posts, i see. For others its the other way around, and some do both. The important thing, I think, is that you came here. You are doing something about changing your situation. There are many opportunities to find important information, guidance and literature regarding our challenges, here. And there are many, many compassionate people who truly care and offer inspiring shares of experience and hope to others. Just focus on them, and let all negativity fall by the wayside. Let this be a little snapshot of your life, where you can choose to concentrate on learning how to accept that which will create well being in yourself, and simply let the rest evaporate, like the shadows do when you turn on the light.

love

mac

 

When I hear a newcomer talking about things like this, it helps me to look back at when I was brand new in Al-Anon, to remember how I felt/reacted/etc. and then to look at what Al-Anon tools helped me progress in recovery.  I do remember a time I thought an "oldtimer" was being quite mean to another, but you see, I had entered the room in the middle of the conversation, and I also did not know the history of what was being talked about.  From that experience, I learned to not immediately judge a situation.  Further along in my program, I learned that looking at what anyone else was doing was like taking their inventory, which is not my business.  My business is my own inventory, keeping my side of the street clean. 

There are many times I want to say to someone "hey! don't you get it? just do this and you'll be better/happier/etc"  But ya know what?  I can't say that because I honestly do not know that person as they know themself.  They may need to get to their own peace of mind by a different road than the one I took.  I also do not know all their background and what is currently happening in their life.  I only know what they share, and who of us ever shares EVERYthing?  Often we share the problems, but not the good things.  And again, it is not my business to judge another or their progress.  That is their own business.  All I can do is share what helps me in the program. 

Another slogan I came to rely heavily on is QTIP.  Quit Taking It Personally.  When I realize most people are simply sharing their own experience and not telling me what I should do, then it is easier.  I need to stay objective.  And on the other side, for me not to take what someone else is doing/saying personally and feel I need to fix/control them is also progress for me.  I really had no idea how often I did try to fix/control until after I'd been in this program a while and had begun to really look at myself and why I do what I do.  Nowadays I try hard to Live (focusing on myself) and Let Live (accepting others for how/what they are at that moment). 

The reminders that we all are in different stages of recovery are always of value to me.  Newcomers may come in wanting to be fixed or to fix/control.  The Al-Anon program is about teaching us that the only thing we can fix/control is ourself.  Newcomers often get angry when older members don't "fix" them, don't give them what they think at that time they need.  Honestly, no one can give anyone that.  We all must give ourself what it is that we need.  That is what working this program is about.  Learning to love ourself, to learn ourself, to better ourself.  We help one another by sharing our own experience, not by advising/telling others "do this, do that".  Someone may tell me after hearing a problem of mine, read this chapter, or this helped me... but until it clicks in my own head, I won't understand.  I have to do the work myself for it to click.  Often I have to hear many experiences of the same thing to finally "get it" and see how I can apply it to my own life.  I work this program by coming back, listening and sharing, working the steps with a sponsor, and applying what I learn to my own life here at home.  To just listen and not actually do anything does me no good.  It is like me looking at a pile of laundry and saying "ok, it needs washing" but then not putting it in the washer... the clothes will never get clean until I actually take action and DO. 

I think it is a good thing to be able to come and vent how we feel at any given time.  Just like this post, even if I might disagree with some things said, it is still valuable to hear them, to think upon them, and to hear how others think when they respond.  I thank you for posting, for reminding me of the vulnerabilities of newcomers.  I try to be aware of when newcomers come in and greet them.  I will say there have been times I've missed a newcomer, but that may be because I'm having a hard day myself and am talking with someone trying to get my own head straight.  I too am a person in recovery and need to put my own oxygen mask on first, and that is one thing I wouldn't apologize for.  I am no good for anyone if I am not good for and to myself first. 

In program love, Kis

"There seems to be alot of levels of understanding and misunderstandings here among others." -D53

"I just wanted you to understand if I don't respond." -D53

((((( D)))))) I am sorry you got attacked in the chat room... it certainly has happened to me & many others. 

I tell ppl new to recovery &/or this particular chat room this:  true, we are in diff stages of recovery, even the most understanding person can be hurt, have a bad day & lash out.  it all comes with understanding & forgiveness.

I'm afraid I used the word "shark" on a thread I started over the arguements that were not in sync w/ Al-anon, regarding the instance you are referring to. 

I understand what you mean, sometimes it seems like ppl attack others...  it is all a part of this disease.  If you are an A you are manipulative, being raised ACOA (as lots of us here were) you learn in childhood to either be that way also or the total opposite & martyr yourself completely. Still others have a combination.  I never as u sd "learned to play" ~ well I never learned to love myself, didn't know a manipulator from a can of paint, I was easy to 'get one over on' & always took it extremely hard & to heart.

I feel as one that loves A's I have a "love sickness" throwing all of my love on ppl that are insatiably taking & never knowing how to love or protect myself. I am learning & growing in this regard now. 

Some ppl esp in the beginning (I have noticed) come into chat very angry & defensive, I think it is a natural response to being so hurt... especially when one is told we have a participation in it & need to look at ourselves & change if we want a better, happier life.  This is a bitter pill.

We are all here to heal & help each other as Trad 1 says.  Thing about open chat is, there are often 6 conversations going on at once, the room moves quickly & you can't always see evertyhing... even if you desperately reaching out to one in pain ~ God knows I have been here crying my eyes & guts out & it is hard to read through that kind of flood.

I believe some A's do pop in to create trouble...  they want to get a "rise" out of us. If we get angry, scared or upset, they have succeeded in taking our serenity & personal power from us... we are here to remember that we have our own power.  I validate myself. I will not be abused in chat, so I get confrontational &/or stand my ground.

I have also caught myself feeling like I was 'having to' defend myself & simply stopped it by not talking or saying, 'look, I'm here to heal & I refuse to debate this or go there' wtvr. I don't have to defend or explain myself.  I am here to work on myself, I already know I cannot fix anyone else, I don't even try to, just share what I know or what has worked for me.  I feel I have been abused in this life enough, I won't be run off or take it here.

"Kill 'em with kindness" is a Southern expression.  I don't want to be brought down to that level of fighting anymore but I love a good debate ~ so I walk a path of dichotomy & am working diligently to find balance & emotional health.

That is when if you need a good vent, the Board is great, those that want to read, pay attention & respond will & do. 

Open chat is just that, anything can happen.  As Al-anon as a group we don't discuss religion, politics or any other outside issues, we talk about spirituality & focusing on loving ourselves.  True, ppl get silly & use that as a way of 'releasing.'  I don't like the "trout abuse" & just say as such if I'm inclined.  Maybe the "trout of endearment" came out of "Friday fish nights." Kind of like a weekly 'party' or date of silliness. I simply say, "please do NOT hit me."  My mother, cousins were all terribly physically abused, some molested, raped, so yes ~ the mere idea of being "hit or slapped" is a very sensitive one with me. 

In open chat if you are idle too long an OP will ask if you are there, if u don't respond u get bumped.  If u want to listen & not participate, just say that.  In a mtg it is diff, it is protocol to say "hi or Welcome" and "thanks" at the end, this way we are acknowledged. there have been times when I say just that... if I feel more talkative or have something to share, I do as I feel inclined.

 

I can't say that I can say something once & be done with it, some issues are yrs & deep in my psyche.  Besides, old patterns do not get changed over night, it takes work, that's why you see so many of the same ppl every day, we have to get ourselves grounded (at least in my case). 

Anyway, we all suffer diff types of abuse, perceptions, struggles even though we have a common bond...  you kinda have to "take what u like & leave the rest" ~ no one of us can tell another what is "right" for them, I believe it is a personal thing w/ HP.  Even how we work our Programs is different.

I can choose to be offended or take my personal power & not.  Just like I learned about emotions, they are yours, no one elses... no one can "make" you feel one way or another. We are learning to accept responsibility for ourselves, own our feelings & take action, not react.

To me in accepting powerlessness, WAS empowering... I may be powerless over this disease, but I have power over myself.

Hope that helps, love, -K