It's not too much to ask. A break is for you to take.

Do what's best and healthy for you...and have compassion.

Having compassion does not mean enabling, nor does it mean having to be on HIS roller-coaster.

(((Fedora))) - glad that you've got answers. It's very, very common for the physical withdrawal to present with seizures and much more. I guess if he's admitted, you do get your break. With my world here, I always slept way better when mine where in jail, hospital or treatment. It's perfectly OK to cry in public, as well as give yourself a break from the disease and the insanity it brings. I so can relate to being so tired of it all - do what you can to give yourself a break, breathe and rest easy - he's in good hands, just for today! Sending prayers and positive thoughts for you both!

 

 

(((((Fedora)))))    I am remembering the description, "cunning, powerful and baffling" and also feeling what your husband feels as the disease attempts to snatch him from the face of this earth and everything else attached.  I can tell you kinda sorta what his mind is going thru from my own experiences with this chemical disease and I know how you are handling it as I remember being the spouse of my own alcoholic addict wife.  I cannot accurately describe the insane loss of control and understanding then and cannot still.  I read your feelings and want to weep again yet so ably hand you and your husband and children over to that power greater than myself without trying to have it come out my way.  

I know this disease intimately from many angles and still bow to its cunning, powerful and baffling nature until I consider my Higher Power and our programs of recovery.  I pray for peace on you.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) 

The Nurse has seen plenty of alcohol withdrawal I think I felt a lot.of shame when I dealt with officials of any kind. Remember alcoholism is extremely.common. Any.official nurse emts sees it e every.single.day. You dont have to have all the answers today to.anything When I dealt with the ex A's mother I always thought I was going to have to come up with the right way to.couch the problem. Welcome to this group. Maresie

 

Fedora I might suggest that you don't let the alcoholic dictate what was or was not real about the event.  Alcohol is a very powerful mind and mood altering chemical which means that it changes how the brain works. It is also a memory block...he won't remember.  It is anesthetic and a pain killer.  Sit with the doctors and ask.  I went to college on alcoholism and drug addiction partly in order to understand what my spouse was going thru and in turn me.  Your husband was in another fight for his life not only his sanity.     Keep coming back.   (((hugs)))  

Fedora, Taking care of yourself will be really important now. Stay honest as you have here about the motivations behind your choices. Your Alanon sponsor and the literature and shares in face to face meetings were all so helpful for me when I was in a similar situation. Involving other family members particularly in laws brings it's own problems. Timing is everything. Is the any reason they need to know this right now or for that matter ever? I would ask myself this and i wish i had not been so new to the program when I went through this because I may have asked myself this question then. What is my responsibility to myself and others? Back then I thought everything was my responsibility concerning others. Now I know how to take care of my own well being first and work outward from there. I can't offer healthy support to anyone if I don't recognize and attend to my own needs first. This includes involving family members outside the actual situation into it by having to answer their questions, get their two cents and dealing with expectations - mine concerning them and theirs concerning me. That's alot on top of the situation itself. Also, you seem to know that day to day life has to go on. You have a job to go to and recognize you need to be rested to carry out responsibilities aside from helping your husband as a wife. You post shows you know you have a responsibility to yourself and others and all of this shouldn't get kicked to the curb because this has happened to your husband. He's being attended to by others who can help and it will then be his job to help himself. I by no means see you as either enabling nor lacking in compassion. I see you as a spouse at the end of their rope with the drama that comes with active alcoholism. I will go a step further in saying that I resented having to deal with these episodes and figure out what to do over and over again. I was frightened I would make poor choices concerning my ex and then be blamed. I didn't feel equipped to make such choices and ultimately I became the scapegoat by my ex's family when he continued using.Yet, they themselves wanted no part in helping him and I as we experienced many crises.. They demanded updates from me and passed judgment never assigning any responsibility to their son. The belief was that this would make it personal about them somehow. They simply could not wrap their mind around alcoholism as an illness having nothing to do with their parenting so they simply decided he must just have a wife who doesn't make him happy So I would suggest knowing what you're getting into before sharing information with unrecovering family members. It can mean using loving detachment concerning.demands, inconsideration and unwarranted blame. Wishing you the best as you continue to make balanced decisions that maintain your sanity and serenity. (((hugs)) TT

Sending you support... you are not alone, but I know from experience that It will sure feel like it!

Reach out to others, go to those meetings. Accept help from others. Put aside the shame ( I know, easier said than done). Bo once told me, "Concentrate on doing the next best thing - whether that be laundry, shopping, taking care of kids... concentrate with laser focus." All of those things helped me to keep afloat when I seriously thought I was drowning. There were times I seriously could feel the fraying of my psyche accelerate due to the many health issues of my Ex (including this one). It was taking Bo's ESH and getting a sponsor that was key for me.

I completely understand the dichotomy of feeling compassion/love and just being "Done." It is a hard place to live.

Wishing you peace today.

They have saying in AA. Without recovery an alcoholic/addict will end up il, institutions or jail. My own experience is without al.anon my health will be shredded. I will also end up in.an Institition of course. . Having al anon tools has been very helpful and life saving

Hi everybody. Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. They are my lifeline to sanity at this moment.

AH is making his nurses work; he went from unresponsive for about a day, to hallucinations and difficult. Ripped out his iv lines, tried to get up and leave (even though he can barely stand up, so he didn't get too far). On the plus side, his tongue swelling improved to the point he could yell at the nurses and they could actually understand that he was yelling at them. They called me and had me talk to him briefly. (I'm at my office, because it's the only room on the planet where things work like I think they are supposed to work.)

As for me, I am doing my best to take one step at a time. My local support all echoed the same things you have said - take care of Me. I did get a pretty solid night sleep but it's amazing how the restorative effects of that can be dampened by watching someone hallucinate and have them yell at you. (I'm kind of missing the "unresponsive" condition at this moment.) My children have not asked hardly any questions, nor have I offered much. I did tell them dad was wanting his ipad/phone but forgot his passwords. I have not brought them to visit their dad because I'm sure there's nothing good to come of watching your parent in this state. I started to get very worked up/anxious about how things would be when I finally do get him home but then I decided that I'll have to cross those bridges as we come to them. I am trying not to spend much time at the hospital. (God love the nursing staff. They should all be paid a million bucks a day.)

When my father was critically ill, he would have these crises which always seemed to me "as bad as it could get" but every single time, it actually got worse. He would hit a new baseline even lower than he was before, and then plateau. Most people would have been dead LONG before he passed away. (My dad survived so many episodes of aspiration pneumonia AND sepsis that we started to not take it very seriously at all. The hospital staff would just shake their heads and told us that they had rarely see anyone struggle so hard to stay alive.) It took 10 years for him to die. Even at the end, after he choked on his own vomit, he lived long enough (and was actually conscious a good chunk of the time) to spend a week gasping for air until the staff took pity on him and gave him a dose of medicine which put him out until he did eventually expire. I spent so many days/nights in the hospital chapel, begging God to either heal him or end it - but not let him live at these increasingly awful states of being. Took 10 years for that prayer to get answered. (Side note, my dad was not an alcoholic. He had a stroke after bypass surgery.)

That was a long time ago but I suddenly realized this weekend that it's happening all over again. My AH is just rolling down the road of alcoholism to his eventual destination and I am along for the ride (and the destination) whether I want to be or not. This is very hard. I guess this is life. But I am not enjoying it at All right now.

Thank you for the support. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helps.

(((Fedora))) - positive thoughts and prayers continue! Keep taking care of you and consider what you need. I fully agree with Jerry - keep your HP close!

Aloha wrote:

---

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I had often found myself wondering with each incident with the alcoholic if perhaps THIS one would finally mark his bottom. He'd finally realize he needed to get help.

The longer I was in the program the more I learned that whenever I was thinking that, I was taking focus away from myself. I had my own bottoms to reach where powerlessness and insanity were concerned.

I think you've received a lot of wisdom from previous posts.

I'm praying you receive healing and serenity through all of this. Keep getting to your meetings. I'm not sure if you have a sponsor yet, but this kind of mayhem exercised my "HELP!" muscle quite a bit and I got pretty skilled at picking up that 1000-pound phone.

---

 

I absolutely, positively think this is the best wisdom and experience for not just this situation but any situation!!! Thank you so very much for posting this. We should not be wondering if this is the alcoholic's rock bottom. Thinking that is just another version of denial of ourselves, and certainly as said -- not focusing on ourselves!!! Yes, our own bottoms...that is where recovery is for those of us who have to hit rock bottom before we get better. Others choose to get better before that and they don't need to hit rock bottom.

I never, ever, not for one moment, ever bought into the analysis of the alcoholic and the people who seem to want to educate us as to the workings, inner-thoughts, mindset, etc., of the alcoholic. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you, so very much for this post!!! 

-- Edited by Bo on Monday 11th of November 2019 12:33:43 PM

Hi everybody. Just updating to tell you that I really appreciate all your wisdom. I am doing ok. I've made some changes in my behavior with the hopes of extricating myself from the role of enabler. I finally decided that covering up AH's messes is taking too much energy, and that, while he is not yet ready to face the truth of his life, I am.
I have stopped making phone calls and doing things (like, doing his work and correspondence for him) that would cover up the fact that AH isn't mentally very functional.

I am giving serious thought to filing for divorce. My friend advised me that, before I pull that trigger, I should visit with the HR department at work, and also find an attorney, to figure out how to position myself financially. I don't know anything about divorce other than, as the breadwinner of the family, I might have to pay him alimony (which would make me very, very bitter) and share custody of the children (also unpleasant). I've never considered divorce before, but the thought of my children growing up and thinking that AH is the model of manhood makes me shiver. (understatement)