The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading from Courage to Change, the author reflects on Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
The author wondered about the "exact nature" of their wrongs - was it the negative actions they took, or something else? For the author, the "exact nature" of their wrongs is the unspoken, self-defeating assumptions that give rise to thoughts and actions. These wrongs include the idea that the author's best ins't good enough, that the author is not worthy of love, that the author has been hurt too deeply to ever heal.
When the author reflects on things they have done that they feel bad about, assumptions like these are usually underlying. Once the author identifies the assumption, they can consider whether the assumption holds any truth, and if not, can begin to build life around a more loving way.
Today's Reminder: Living with Alcoholism has taken a huge toll on myself-esteem. As a result, I May not recognize how many of my wrongs are built upon a faulty sense of self. That's why the Fifth Step is so enlightening and so cleansing. Together with my Higher Power and another person, I can even change life-long patterns.
Today's Quote: "...If no one knows us as we really are, we run the risk of becoming victims of our own self-hatred. If we can be loved by somebody who sees us as we are, we can then begin to accept ourselves. Others rarely think we're as bad as we do." Alateen - Hope for Children of Alcoholics
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When I first came to AlAnon, step 5 was a frightening step for me. Wasn't I doing my best in the situation? Wasn't I doing everything I could to keep our family (AW and fur babies) together, housed, fed, and cared for? Over time, I came to realize that my acceptance of the burden of ALL the work for the family was part of the exact nature of my wrongs. It enabled AW to drink, to not work, to fall deeper and deeper into her disease.
Still today, I struggle with this wrong. When the drinking mostly stopped, AW's mental health issues became more and more apparent. I've fallen back into a caretaking role with the household chores and pets, and accepted her "I can't" when I ask for her help. I've discovered that I've just stopped asking, because the answer is always the same. What I thought was acceptance of what she was and was not going to do (and it might also be that) turned into me accepting responsibility for her living environment, her laundry, her food, etc. This became very clear to me over the weekend, when she literally didn't eat while she had a cold because I didn't serve her hot chicken soup when she was hungry. And, I didn't prioritize her needs. (My dad was down helping with some car issues, so I was outside getting the cars, lawnmower, and snow blower ready for winter.) My underlying assumption that when she says "I can't" she really can't, and that it is my responsibility to help her with what she can't do so she can continue to be successful in what she can do has resulted in another type of dependency and the need for another set of boundaries.
One of the reasons I appreciate the Al-Anon program so much is that I keep getting a lot out of it. I stopped enabling the drinking and temper tantrum behavior, and now that I've noticed myself enabling poor mental health, I can work on stopping that enabling behavior as well. I can keep coming back to the program and keep working on the "exact nature" of my wrongs. Progress, not perfection.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Skorpi, thanks for your service and the enlightening share. I relate to needing to change my codependent and enabling behavior as I knew nothing else until program. The exact nature of my wrongs, as I became willing to look at them, were surprising. I learned that I was not only not helping my A, but I was doing real damage to myself. And yes, it takes a bit of bravery to look at oneself. But in doing so, I feel that I have set myself free. Amen to progress not perfection, Lyne
Hi Skorpi Appreciate your honesty and your reflection on today's reading. Step 5 appeared extremely difficult until i worked the first 4 Steps Then it just seemed to flow
Thanks for your continued service
I think when I look.at this step the issue is I have to focus on myself. Currentky I have to.focus in my finances. They are not as bad as they were. Nevertheless I need extra money in the next few months
I have totally exhausted myself in the past doing for others. Now I focus on my health, my welfare first. Sometimes like at the moment that leaves little time for others. I just work overtime on not feeling guilty. My therapist labelled that survivor guilt. Surviving is honorable.
Maresie
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I was not thrilled when I saw this step simply because I really arrived in denial of my defects and how they were working against me, my needs and serenity. I am so glad for those who came before me and a great sponsor who suggested I start at Step One, and focus on one day at a time.
It took a while for the fog to lift and for me to even see the insanity. My 'ways' were patterned in such a way that the unusual and insane was my 'normal' and so entrenched that 'it' was my natural reaction. One day at a time, one suggestion at a time, one step at a time got me to this step, which when I was ready, was not 'bad' at all, but cleansing, freeing and 'good'.
Left to my own mind, I can still project the worse case scenario in most things including people and places/events, etc. What a gift to have tools to be able to come back to the here and now and to trust in a God of my understanding to get me to the other side of anything.
Happy hump day all - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
