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I remember growing up. My parents were both problem drinkers. There was always a lot of arguing and sometimes fighting which almost always resulted in my mother getting the crap kicked out of her. This always meant a trip to the hotel for us, or sometimes we would go visit my aunt. She lived on a farm. I learned lots of useful things on the farm. How to collect eggs from the henhouse without getting pecked to death. How to chop wood without chopping my leg off. How to bale hay. And I learned what happens to roosters when they have outlived their usefulness. We would stay on the farm a few days and sooner or later we would go back to our home. I never understood that as a child. Why she would always go back. Later in life, as an adult, when I was married to a problem drinker, I, too, would leave. And just like my mom, I would also go back. I was watching a tv show once about animals that are raised in captivity and suddenly set free. They will almost invariably return to the cage because the fear of what they don't know - freedom - is stronger than the fear of what they do know - captivity. That explained a lot.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
I like this post Wolfie except the part where your Mom gets trounced because it reminds me of some of my part in the disease of addiction. I always came back too until I learned I could let go and let God have her and me at the same time in different places. (((Hugs)))
((((((((Wolfie)))))))))))) You are describing my mom...the alcholic...he would beat the crap out o fher....she would leave, most often taking us kids to go see grampapa and grammama and I loved it...she was sober..attentive to uskids....grampapa would take me out in the country and we would target shoot....I worshipped him....THEN the monster would beg and plead with the phony "amends" and like Pavlov's dog, she would pack us up and back we would go...grampapa would beg her to leave him and stay with them, kids and all, we will sort it out, he would say, but don't go back and she did...Everytime....He killed her in 1972.......I wanted autopsy on her and I was threatened to "back off" and cops were told I was a disturbed child who didn't know what she was saying........case closed...even relatives knew he was guilty
WHY did she go back??? she had help..she had support...WHY??? I drove myself nuts trying to figure that out...I was horrid at staying in bad relationships, too, but I DID eventually leave...I DID finally get enough and leave....She couldn't...she died for it...I think in the old days, women were kinda subtley taught that "you make your bed, you lay in it" especially people who are Euros and both my parents were Euros....you just did not leave.....that mentality is SLOWLY changing were the abused do finally leave, but so many don't
Thanks for your powerful share.....Good to see ya!!!!
{{{Wolfie}}} Thanks so much for your honest and open share. I can relate about the going back part/or staying part. People tend to trust the known more than the unknown, even when the known is bad.
It took me several years of alanon to be able to make the changes I needed to ensure my sanity and happiness. I have my own place now and live there half time. My A is a dry drunk but we work together to make improvements. My continued work in alanon has helped me gain a stronger self I love and will protect. ODAT I have a much better situation and I feel happy much of the time.
Without a program like alanon, I don't know how abused people can gather the strength to move forward. And of course kids are helpless and stuck, unfortunately.
But here we are, learning, growing, changing. Grateful member, Lyne
I know I have stayed in many abusive situations
One was a job I stick.at for over 6 years
There is no one formula for why people stay
I have had misplaced loyalty all my life
I have been working pretty hard at being at peace about my childhood.
I am also more at peace about my own choices as well
I didn't think that would be possible.
Why was a big question for me.
Now it isnt
I try to.acceot people where they are. That means some painful choices. I have to work on the issue that some people will just bring pain.abd suffering. The ex A certainly did. Whatever good he brought was drowned out a thousand fold by the chaos he created
Maresie
Thank you for your very personal and powerful share.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
