The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for today October 29 speaks about being sensitive and blaming others for our feelings. The reading provides an example of someone who has taken a woman's inventory about her weight which enraged the person , who pointed out their concerns. the person who had taken issue with her weight said they did nothing wrong they only spoke the truth.
This example was a gentle reminder of our defects when t speak about others and think they are living incorrectly and believe we MUSTsay something. Many times we do not have the right to say something even if it is the truth. The reading suggests that we may be insensitive
We must respect anothers right to make their own choice without judging or giving unasked for advise..
The quote is from Peter Marshall's "LOrd when we are wrong make us willing to change and when we are right make us easy to live with" wise words
Thank you Betty for your service. I love the quote. Early on in program I did not understand it was not my job to fix my A. I had been trying for 20 some years, without success, of course. This reading sums up what I had to learn. I needed to stop blaming the A for my miserable life. I needed to stop pointing out all the necessary changes according to me. And I needed to focus on me and be silent about others. It took awhile, but its working. I made a comment a few nights ago to my A, that was not my place to say, and I apologized! Even though I was right about the self-destructive behavior my A was doing, its not my job. I love this program. It helps me love myself, Lyne
I had a hard time with sensitivity. I have always been a super sensitive, intuitive soul. I cried often as a child and had to learn how to grow a thick skin... for my own well being in dealing with Life!
That being said, of course I would have a hard time with QTIP (Quite Taking It Personally)! I took everything personally. And because of this, I was always ruminating in my head... analyzing any and all situations... "Did they mean to say that?" "Was that directed at me, and are they being an a$$ intentionally?" "Why would they act this way?" It was exhausting!
Through my work in the Program, I have begun to understand that I took everything personally, b/c my Ego fed the resentments I held about why my life was so terrible... why was I affected by someone else's disease? MY mind-set was always in the "Why Me's" and "If Only's." I could not embrace the good I had/have right here, right now! My sponsor once told me, "Well, you can continue to feel this way, or you can CHOOSE a different path... but nothing changes if nothing changes, dear." "And with this disease, change is inevitable, so why not embrace it?"
Very wise words, but it took me a hot moment to digest them and then understand the complexity of accepting them. I guess I had to be ready.
I really love Peter Marshall's quote!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
When my friend died from suicide three years ago he had been around former colleagues of mine all day. They were aware he was totally distraught. I am sure none of them.had any.idea that he would impulsively kill himself. He is abd was the last person you would expect to do thst because he had a great camaflage going on. A carefully built one.
When I learned of his untimely death I.did not rush in there and do.an excavation with no holds barred. . Of course in my grief I had a lot of feelings about who.was to #blame#
For once I held back on my opinions
I have been a real righteous quarter back in the past with #shoulds#
My therapist even urged me to go out to excavate the circumstances
I resisted
Then the oddest thing happened. I happened to meet by our chance a person who was on the scene when my friend died (which was by traumatic means).
Serendipity perhaps. The issue of #why# was always huge for me when I lived with the now exA. His mother was not exactly helpful and certainky had her own traumas. His friends took advantage of him
I can be so obsessed with the #Why#
I will probably never know #why# my friend killed himself. I had the opportunity to know #how# which was quite enlightening
I am glad I have the program of al anon
I dont need to engage in bruising rhetoric when there is a tragedy like that one.
I may eventually go to a therapy group about my friend's death. That may help I know going to a grief group helped me in the past.
Right now I am happy I didnt trample over everyone else's feelings in my #why# quest. I have had plenty of practice at that.
Maresie
(((Betty)))) Great share and thank you for your service
I check my motives before I "speak my truth" and did they ask for my advice??? am I doing it out of a "smack down" or a genuine concern for the other??? lots of dynamics here but I try to apply the basic rule...Unless one is in real danger, like life threatending stuff, I try to MYOB....AND if I do speak my truth, check my motives BEFORE hand....
Thank you Betty for your service and the daily and thanks to all for the shares and ESH. I have spent a lifetime BR (Before Recovery) inventorying others and advising them how to change (in my mind and often with my words). It was just so much easier to look at the defects in others than in myself! I am grateful today for the peace in my mind/heart that allows me the grace to pause much more often before I do anything!!! The God of my understanding, when I am willing always gives me exactly what I need in those moments of hummmm......
I am way better at allowing others to be who they are without judgement, opinion, etc. than before. Being with my parents, I see the fear and pain in my dad's eyes as my mother declines. He so, so wants to change/control her to make her well and sane again. He has moments where he can accept he's powerless and then they slide away. She's a lovely, kind, self-less woman who would never hurt another until she has that first drink. She then becomes almost unrecognizable, certainly unbearable and a far cry from her 'best state of being'.
I am grateful I am staying at a condo nearby and have a place to go to with my feelings. I vacated early last evening, and was sad yet accepting of what is. After an 18 hour drive on Monday, I was beyond tired and practiced some good self-care with a full night of sleep - so grateful! I was able to leave her, with a hug and kind words and just detach. Today is a new day, and since I get a do-over each day, I believe all do - grateful for recovery.
(((Hugs))) to all - make it the best day possible!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can still entertain confronting an alcoholic on a daily basis. Now it is a fantasy though rather than something I am prepared to.do.
I have managed to avoid the alcoholic supervisor this week. My ex husband was an alcoholic. He was also my supervisor a very unpopular supervisor at that
I married him so that says a lot about my judgment and choices because I certainly didnt feel I could say No to him. Of course I had the luxury of taking his inventory for decades.. The exhusband got sober for years and of course it irked me tremendously that he never made amends to me.
I do set limits these days. No is a word in my vocabulary. I am not a door mat but I am also really more focused on my own issues rather than everyone else's
My life matters to me now as much as everyone else's.
Maresie
& 