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I'm new to Al-Anon. My husband is an alcoholic and is currently in a 28 day rehab program and has just finished his first week. He left after one day previously, but checked himself back in. I'm an American living in his home country of Ireland (we met in the states and moved back three years ago). We have two children under five. The last three years have been hell, to put it mildly. He has just started remembering serious childhood trauma issues (physical abuse from his alcoholic father), and is also dealing with that. I've been making plans to move back to the states for quite some time. I can't really take the disrespect and awful treatment and lack of involvement in the family, and I don't want the kids growing up in a home like he did, even though he is not physically abusive like his father was, the verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad, in my opinion. His rehab program sends them home on the weekends and this past weekend was pretty miserable. He was disrespectful to me in front of our kids in public, which was incredibly embarrassing, and we are barely on speaking terms, have been for months now. I care about him, but do not feel love towards him at the moment, not sure if that will change. I feel awful for leaving after he finishes rehab (if he stays this time), but I'm not sure I'm capable of a life of moodiness, possible relapses, and silent treatment. And I don't really want the kids to be around that either. I know he's capable of being a good dad, but I'm not sure when that will be happening. Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Have you left even though your spouse completed treatment? Our relationship is so broken and I know would require significant professional help, but he has so much work to do on himself first with his childhood trauma issues, that I'm not sure he'll be ready to work on our relationship for quite some time. It's the "meantime" that I'm struggling with. Like, how much more can I put myself and our kids through? I can't live like this, but the guilt for leaving takes over so often, especially since leaving means me moving back to the states, and I'm just not sure he'll follow us there. So hoping someone here has been through something similar!
I believe rehab is a hard road for some of us. For some people when their spouse goes to rehab it is a time when there is a lot of anger. That anger is hard to get through. After all it has been there for a long time. It is formidable that your spouse is looking at their abuse issues and also really scary too. It says a lot about your marriage that there is room to address them.
I have been divorced and that was without assets and children. That was complicated enough and a rollercoaster on it's own. There are serious custody issues which can be complicated when there are children involved.
Some people get into recovery and stick to it through their issues. For those of us on the sidelines one of the really good choices is to go to al.anon. Whether you leave the A is one part and a complicated part when you have children.
Having support, lots of support learning Tools and most of Ll having people who understand in your corner is another.
No one can tell you to leave or stay.that is y ki or decision. I do believe fervently that whatever you do, whatever happens al anon is a great aid to the process
Maresie
Being a male I relate to hubby mostly- coming to terms with my own situation. Coming from the family situation- be behaviours and reactions were horrible. I could straighten myself up and act mature- using an immense amount of willpower.
But day to day life- and "normal" human reactions were awful. As you might say- "you can take the kid out of the family, but you can't take the family out of the kid."
Being willing and able to deal with it and desiring change- if the key to emotional growth. And it usually does take a lifetime. Having access to an AA or Alanon group is important. And finding peers on the same trail is essential too.
The decision to leave, or maybe try and stick with it it s tough one to make, either way. A return to addictive drinking makes a no-brainer out of this one.
I am lucky to still be in a marriage, and am getting the rewards of this now. And, as you can see- I am still out here sharing and am actively involved in Alanon.
We try to offer hope, in sometimes impossible situations...
I stayed, but I was prepared to leave if he didn't stop drinking, once I finally realized he was an alcoholic.
This was decades ago, and he was atypical, and there wasn't much information out there, but I remember reading Eric Berne's Games People Play and he said "Alcoholic is a three-handed game, between the Alcoholic, the wife, and the Bartender, and it cannot be won." I bought the book again a few years ago and that bit isn't in there, so I dreamed it or it was subsequently removed.
And I told him that, after he had sobered up but must have had a terrific headache, that I needed to know if he were going to continue to drink, because I needed to plan my life. This was the first time I'd ever mentioned this. I had suggested he might like to space drinks out, so as not to get drunk, but he only drank at parties until the last year and a half, and was able to drive in a blackout, never missed work, etc and I did not know
And he quit. Just like that. He thought I had saved his life, and I thought I had gotten him to quit. Years later, in my first Alanon meeting, I heard, "You cannot get them to stop drinking." And I felt ashamed--I felt I had done something wrong.
At the time, I did not know where I would go with our adolescent child, how I would make a living if he should lose his job, nothing. I just knew I had to leave.
Some wives of alcoholic husbands feel absolutely trapped, with nowhere to go. I am glad for you that you don't have that problem. You have somewhere to go, should you decide to do so.
I don't know if there is Alanon in Ireland. You have found this board, and many wise and kind people will welcome you and tell you their experiences and offer you hope.
I remember 12 years in, when I found 5 wrapped bottles of beer in the shop and called Alanon with trembling hands--I was so scared--the kind woman who answered told me there was not a non-smoking meeting until after the weekend, but to hold two thoughts: "It is not your fault and things will get better." I repeated them all that weekend. I offer them to you.
Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thanks for the responses. He was supposed to go back to his rehab after the weekend but chose to binge drink for a night just a few minutes away and stay in a hotel. He called me the next day to say he was planning on checking himself back in, but that if our marriage was over, he wasn't going to bother. I told him that if he was doing this for anyone but himself, it wouldn't work. So, I'm just not sure he's ready to get sober at this time.
Aloha Barbara and welcome to the board. I am sure that you now know you are not alone and most of us have shared similar experiences though some worse and some not as bad. To each of us our experiences are the worse that could happen. Similarly we have the 12 step and tradition program of the Al-Anon Family Groups to attend to as we wish to experience changes beyond our wildest dreams as we care to and make the effort of working it. Ours is a "do" program and just talking it didn't do much good for me when I first decided to sit and stay and listen and learn and practice which I still do even while my alcoholic/addict wife is last clean and sober long ago. I am remarried and my spouse and I mutually are in program recovery.
I have long and deep experience in recovery including as a professional family therapist in addictions.
I started like you at zero and unwilling to change "for her". I learned that any and all changes were to be for me which also were supportive of her ability to recover if she sought to. We didn't have much of a marriage. Ours was more a practice of random sanity/insanity until we mutually determined to part into our own disease.
The very best I did was surrender to the programs of first Al-Anon and then 9 years later AA. I have that disease. I was born into it and inherited every aspect of it. I also have recovery which included hundreds of mutually supportive people such as the fellowship of MIP...here.
I hope and pray you will investigate the program and if you have the facility and the opportunity to attend 90/90 (90 meeting in 90 days) as I did it might save your sanity and life as it did mine.
Again welcome. Here are 3cees to hang onto for a while. You didn't Cause this, You cannot Control it, nor will your Cure it. ((((hugs))))
Are you getting to Al-Anon meetings in your town? I hope so. You'll find them helpful. You'll also find that no one here will tell you to leave or to stay. It's all a very personal decision that you have to make for yourself as you're the one who gets to live with the consequences of your decisions.
We are told through our literature, however, that we don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. To also come up with a "plan b" in case things keep deteriorating.
You are so right that your husband's choice to get sober is all up to him and he can only be doing it for himself if he wants to see success in it. That was a manipulation move on his part to tell you if you're not going to stick with him then he'll keep drinking. My experience with alcoholics is they'll keep drinking because they're alcoholic. Their disease will try to put the blame on others, however, to validate itself.
Alcoholics drink because they're happy. They drink because they're sad. The drink because the football game is on. They drink because their friends are over. They drink because they miss their friends. They drink because it's Friday. They drink because it's Monday. They drink because they have a headache. They drink because they feel good. They drink... they drink... they drink... because they're alcoholics. So, you play absolutely no role in his ability to get sober or not.
What's important is that you start taking care of yourself and your children. What those choices are for you, I can't say. All I know is for me getting to frequent Al-Anon meetings helped me identify my own questions and answer those questions for myself, and even more importantly, set me on the right path of being someone who is secure in her decisions.
In my own life, I did make the decision to leave the alcoholic. He was a dead-end road for me. It was the right decision for me. However, I didn't have assets and children to factor in. I understand that can be a long, difficult road. Just keep asking questions and your solutions will come.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Aloha on Wednesday 30th of October 2019 12:49:32 PM
relate to hubby mostly- coming to terms with my own situation. Coming from the family situation- be behaviours and reactions were horrible. I could straighten myself up and act mature- using an immense amount of willpower.