The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Progressive, alcoholism is progressive.
Things are bad here. The alcoholic mother is at the height of her lifelong irresponsibly selfish and foul natured best. I'm torn between wanting to cut and run or have her committed.
I can't believe my life sees me faced with the burden of someone who is mentally incompetent.
I've a case of " why me?" At the moment. This disease is so unfair. No child should have to be faced with these choices. In order to stay I will have to become legally entangled against her. If I leave, I have no idea but pretty good examples of the mess she's going to create signing for things that will screw the next two generations.
I've spent three bloody years cleaning up one legal mess she didn't create but certainly hasn't helped. There are others which she has created that I will end up clearing up too. And this house, OMG, absolute squalor when I returned, $$$$ spent by me, and for what? Her to literally piss it away? Not happening. This was my grandmothers house and is on my great grandfather's land. I'm not leaving it and her disease isn't squandering it like the rest of her life.
I just wish for once I could catch a break from this disease. This is a rock and a hard place. If it were her house, fine. See ya later, send you Xmas cards and care packages. But it isn't. It's the last part of our heritage on this Island. The bones are buried here, one of my sons was literally born on this land and whether I like it or not I'm bound to it.
I'm going to pray for divine guidance. I'm tired of fighting for everything in this life.
Thanks for listening.
I had a therapist once who was also a minister and he had helped older congregants at the end of their lives many times. My mother had become ill. Not with addictions. And he told me when it came time to make decisions about her care and housing, that I should decide based on what was best for me. That was such a help. I had cared for her when she was adamant about being in Assisted Living near her home, but 90 miles away from me, for a year. I decided to move 800 miles away, to be with my husband, who was working in another city. And I moved my mother with us. And I was so glad that dear man had given me permission to take care of me.
I realize this was nothing compared to what you are going through.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thanks Temple. Actually that really helps because it reminds me I need some perspective. You know how when there's active addiction around you at it's nastiest, and it feels like you're all alone in a dark narrow damp tunnel. But I'm not. I'm not alone, I'm not the darkness, this isn't my circus and somehow I can and will detach without frantically anticipating what isn't here yet/ what might not be.
I did the unthinkable last night and emptied a quart of ( tastelessly cheap) bourbon that got casually left on the kitchen window sill, a place I am forever clearing of clutter. I was pissed off it got left there like look how normal I am! Yep, nah. I poured it and told her, I'm not here to subsidise your lifestyle choices. You can't afford your cigarettes and food but you can afford booze? Your not getting drunk around my children on my dime.
That went down like a lead balloon with a tantrum and some more broken plates. I removed my television and books from the living room and have them in my room because I have had enough experiences of violent people smashing my stuff. Not happening.
Thank God I have a car finally. The kids and I leave before 8am and spend the day out having fun. I'm also stressed financially at the moment thinking about how I'm gonna make the next four months.
Prayer and faith are where I need to place myself. Thank you so much for the supportive words and share. Xx
Thanks David. It's gross isn't it? I'd forgotten how much I remember and then I've forgotten nothing. Ugh. It just strips one of all defences of comfort, leaves your dried out soul exposed, ready to crack with the next tap. I guess my HP feels I'm ready to work through and confront what I've spent 30 plus years pretending was temporary. The truth is painful. The ultimate truth however must surely be detachment from the fragility of ego. So much this throws up for me, in so many ways. Thank you for stopping in with understanding.
(((A41))) i hear you This is indeed a dreadful disease and causes terrible suffering to all it touches. I found prayer helped me when dealing with the insanity. Sending prayers your way
{{{a4l}}} I think Temple said it best--do what's best for you now. Had a horrible situation with my mom who had an active alcoholic living with her, spending her money for his addictions, and as my mom became crippled and demented, we kids had to make decisions about the A, my mom's decline, and it was gut wrenching. I feel for your situation even though it is different. My brother and I had to get my mom to a nursing home, in spite of her wish to die in her home. The A refused to leave. It was a nightmare. But this too shall pass, but not easy. Do what's best for you. Hugs, Lyne
I don't have ESH, but I can really feel the pain & exhaustion in your post! Sending you support and will say a prayer for your path to open for you.
&
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My mother certainly caused a very difficult time for all.
She was not an alcoholic but certainly had major mental illness
Detaching under that kind of pressure is enormous
Committing someone is ab uphill task. Requires a lot of help. People get committed all the time. Getting them on long term cinmurnent is another matter
Seek professional help. Ask for it
You deserve it
Maresie
(((a4l))) - I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I too am sending prayers and positive energy your way! It is difficult to deal with aging parents and then add this disease to the mix and it's too much for one. I totally agree with seeking any/all assistance you can find to help you navigate forward. I love that you share pride in the land of those who came before you and lived/worked to preserve the land/family home. There's no shame in how you feel at all!
You work a great program and are a wonderful mother and daughter. Trust your HP and program to lead you where you need to go. Know that you are not alone, even when it feels that way! Huge (((Hugs)))!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sending positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Concentrating on the words of the Serenity Prayer has helped me in these awful times. It's gotten me through more than I could ever imagine. Keep sharing the hard stuff here. It's a miserable disease that affects the whole family. You've been around awhile so you know how to apply the traditions to your home life. Continue making the choices that honor you and your children and the person she is under her disease. It's sad and frightening to see the progression of alcoholism in someone we love. (((a4l)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
((((((((((((((((a41))))))))))))))))))))))) I don't have much to add other than support hugs and positive energy....I like what Temple said "do what is best for you now" and let tomorrow go until you have to face it and I agree with you about NOT letting that property be lost.....keep your program tools close to you...Your HP will lead your way, if you can get some quiet time to connect.......take care of you ODAT
(A41) When living in the same insanity I found the 3 As helpful. I did not cause it, cannot control tt and cannot cure it. That helped me with my disappointment and unrealistic expectations. Prayers continue
I think the heart of so.much of our turmoil is seeing the tremendous damage the addict alcoholic does. My mother left a tremendous mess when she died. There was incredible conflict within her family (myself and my sisters) I have to say I was on #over react# for years. Of course it didnt help I was living with an alcoholic. .
So what I would say is do all you can to not be in the place I was. .
After all I knew ky family for decades crisis was their.only mode of operating.
It was not like.anything was ever going to be straight forward.
Yet in my denial I kept longing fur this simple kind loving family
Needless to.say it took me a long time to get through my mother's undoing.
It certainly is a catastrophe but how big of a catastrophe does it have to be for you? .
Detachment in that area is a PhD level course. Being resilient in that case is like weathering a tornado. There are many people in al anon who have weathered those events. Ask them how they did it. .
I did it extremely badly until I was willing to pick up the tools. Now I work real real hard on acknowledging my limits. I know when overload is approaching. Before al anon I drowned in overload.
No wonder my mental health was.not that manageable.
Maresie
a4l I am sending hugs and support. I get cases of the why mes too sometimes especially when faced with difficult decisions. From reading your post it sounds like you know what you want to do about the situation it's just pretty hard to face. I hope you have had some time to find clarity and guidance. Hold on and hang in there you will get through this too (or this too shall pass). I really love the support you have received reminding you to take care of you and make decisions that are best for you. I've learned over time that is the only decision I can make. I have to make sure I do what is in my best interest first because I can't truly know what is in the other person's best interest.
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