Struggling at the moment .. - Al-Anon Family Group

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Struggling at the moment ..

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember your sponsor's phone number? Forgot where you left your notes on projection? Sorry your post keyed into my past journey and only some of the solutions I could pass on. I hated it when I was where you are at now also and was given lessons on projecting rather than staying in the moment. I HATED IT AND DON'T LIKE GOING THERE ANYTIME. When in doubt? Don't. ((((hugs)))). bleh evileye doh

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

My sponsor passed away Jerry and in moments like this I miss her terribly because we would have had a good laugh over the whole thing. I haven't gotten a new one because even in DFW where I am meetings are scarce and hard to get to when I can. I miss my car right now. So no meetings at the moment I do my readings though and am currently listening to how alanon works via my phone at work.

To add insult to injury today my mother popped up I think she was trying to be funny however it's not funny to me .. I barely survived my childhood and I don't know if she was trying to post some kind of meme or something .. she thought it was hysterical and I'm thinking .. umm .. yah .. first off I wasn't a bad kid, no drugs, no jail, no juvie, not even really alcohol until I got older, no sex until I was out of high school .. I really wasn't .. I didn't have room to be .. my grades were horrible, .. lol .. gee I wonder why after dealing with batshyt crazy at home. That was my cry for help. Second off .. I have no idea how to respond because I found it insulting. I just did a generic response and thought whatever. Let it go. I shared what she wrote with a super good friend of mine who has known me as well as my mom for many lifetimes and she had the same reaction I did .. umm what was that? I REALLY don't know where to go with that at the moment.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

cry Serene... i had an awful chemical mix... which left a deep sense of dread in the gut, and awful pain in the head...

breathing became a godsend for me... though I would not even begin this, without seeking medical advice.

I found that I was the classic shallow breather- in fight or flight mode... I had a few sessions with a physic and then

began to combine deeper breathing with my Step 11 routines. Previously when I tried to meditate I would simply

fall asleep. Which I suppose, now, was my bodies greatest need- rest. I don't think any of us pay lip service to our

higher power needs. Which ever way we choose to express this one- it is a focus, and maybe a saving grace...

...an ongoing relationship... my two cents worth... biggrin ,,,

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Serenity))))))

Sending you a huge amount of love and support. Your body is feeling out of sorts, and your head has yet to figure out why... it is an uncomfortable time, I know.

As for what your mother posted... all I can keep thinking is how others here have told me, "Don't take things so personally." I can tell by your explanation that what your mom posted hit a nerve. It insulted you. I think at times like that, you can tell yourself that what she posted had no basis in reality at that time, and to ignore and hit "delete!" I feel there was no need to respond to that at all. If she had asked you about it, I think an "Oh, I found it insulting, mom, so I didn't respond" and then change subject would be the best course. But then again, only you know the dynamic between you two.

As I reread your post, "This Too Shall Pass" keeps running through my head. I must say, I found what David mentioned about being a shallow breather, to be spot on! Many things for me improved once I employed deep breaths to the count of 4 (both inhalation and exhalation).

Trying to send you positive vibes for the weekend!

&

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

You guys have all hit on some good point.

The not taking it personally .. OMG .. LOL .. well I "think" my mother was trying to apologize .. my mom will never take any kind of emotional accountability .. kind of like an active addict. I have to watch this in my own behavior .. I apologize .. but .. LOL and that's exactly what the message was .. it was an I didn't say this enough .. however I was busy surviving your childhood. There's some gaslighting going on and always has been. That right there is the absolute truth of our relationship .. it was "my" fault. I went to counseling to fix ME .. as a child .. it wasn't about the fact she was an over worked unfocused single parent and our relationship was fractured or she played a part in that fracture. So when the counselor would say ok mom let's talk about what's going on with YOU and your part in it .. I had a new therapist because that one wasn't working .. thank GOD she never had the option to medicate me because she probably would have. She married my step dad who turned into a creep however that wasn't her fault that was mine because he was my favorite teacher. LOL. This is how my mother thinks to a T. It was definitely not a conversation to have over text .. and it was NOT what I needed to have pop up yesterday. It did hit a nerve. Especially what I am currently dealing with in my house. She has no clue and I'm trying to learn to forgive people for being ignorant of their own shortcomings that are none of my business. Let it be .. let it go and realize in her own way that's her version of an apology. That is the best i will ever get. She is who she is .. I really don't want to visit with her and I think that's part of the other issue .. I just don't want to be around her. That's my truth given the situation. I find it ironic because these are the relationships that I have in my life at the moment and I need to work on that in me.

I think I am emotionally vulnerable at the moment too. At least I have been sleeping better. I think it's funny when I started into counseling as an adult and I started recognizing the amount of anxiety I had .. I never had a name for the feeling I had because I didn't know anxiety had a name in me. Well I think that's kind of what's going on at the moment is something has peeled back as I have started taking the CBD .. I find myself much more at ease and actually more emotional which is not a bad thing. Now I need to sit and figure out what am I actually feeling. Everything is shifting which I think is actually an age related process that I happen to be more open too at this stage. I honestly didn't like that I started to recognize anxiety because it's a stressful emotion .. LOL .. and I really didn't enjoy what I'm feeling at the moment .. it's a little akin to grief possibly? IDK .. LOL. It is what it is and it will pass .. I'm just not really into whatever "it" is .. LOL.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

What an informative post, great learning experience for Jerry F. I add my Mahalos to all the other gratitudes that are coming. I see the similarities in the issues I also had with my mother and her personality and behaviors as a victim of this disease and other stuff while at the same time remembering the lessons and better consequences I received from listening to others in and out of the program share their ESH and then taking the courage to duplicate what worked for them in my own life.

Serenity this post is a reaffirmation for me and I am also grateful for it. (((Hugs))) wink aww

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

(((SerenityRUS))) I'm sorry your coworker is moving on and you are anticipating some less than desireable work added to your workload. As if it isn't bad enough to not have the predictability of someone you know working alongside you and know their work style and enjoy their company, you have the unknown ahead of you concerning the workload and possible replacement for her. When in that situation, I felt a bit of resentment and also a bit of grieving. Of course it's a bit easier to deal when you are physically and emotionally feeling well. You know that you aren't feeling well right now and I have always liked the fact that you share it here rather than rationalize it away with an Alanon slogan. Sometimes I journal in order to process how I'm feeling about people, places and things. Sometimes MIP is my online journal with the added benefit of others relating and supporting me as a I journey through my feelings. As far as family and social media posts, so much can be misinterpreted, so much of how we perceive another's intentions who we've had issues with; are viewed through the lens of history. I like the way you chose to take her comments. Just because you are the topic doesn't mean it's about you. You know this and this is I expect tremendous growth given past history with her and your step father. You really seem to be responding as the adult you've become. What a relief to move forward and not revert to childlike hurt or even retaliation. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. People, places and things are what they are. How they affect us as adults is our part.

You know how you're feeling and why. You don't feel well right now. It's just that simple. So you'll take care of yourself this weekend in whatever way works for you. This will pass with some tlc and things will balance out again. ((hugs)))

As far as your bf and making you happy, that's nice right? You deserve it and it gives other people joy when they are doing it unconditionally. Anyway, that's been my experience. I hope you find a vacation destination you'll both enjoy. You get out of it what you put into it.

Hope you have a restful weekend. Treat yourself whatever helps you to relax and feel better. We'll be here if you want to check in and let us know how you're doing :)

TT

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Not that you needed to provide any more explanation, Serenity, but gosh! Now I have better understanding -her dynamic with you was truly disfunctional! It is NOT so easy to believe "It's not because of me," when you have lived with blaming, shaming and gas-lighting all your childhood! I found it interesting that as soon as the "spotlight" of therapy was turned on your mother, she found a reason to leave that therapist!

As an adult, you are doing the self-care needed (therapy). I believe everything you have gleaned from Al-Anon will help you in dealing with your mother... Al-Anon really helps with that special kind of "krazy" that is denial/gas-lighting. And TT is spot on... this kind of childhood hurt cannot be slogan'd away. It takes effort and awareness. Both you are doing/experiencing.

Perhaps there is some deep guilt about not wanting to visit with her? We carry all sorts of notions of our parents... especially moms. Some things we've grown up with, other things come from the parent/child dynamic (think "Lay the Guilt On" version of mom here), and still others come at us from outside sources (media). It is OK to feel the way you feel about her. And I believe on the surface you know that. But there is something subconsciously bubbling up (or trying to) and that is making you feel unbalanced. I can tell you know that you just need to work through it. Kudos to you for journaling about it here. In working through this, you may have helped another to feel less alone about their emotions regarding their parents.

Keep doing what is best for YOU. Self-care 101.

Enjoy your weekend, GF!!

&

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

My family were a huge trigger for me. I worked on what I felt about my family and what happened for years Being aware if triggers is huge. There are certain people in my life who.trigger ne. Owning that trigger has been key Everyday is a struggle. For me it is about swimming along. Am I.making progress? The other thing is to put duen the stick Some of us do not get wonderful mothers who.are supportive and kind. I would not even refer to.my.oarents as parents anymore. They did lot of things that no.parent would do. I never gave up wanting my mother to be a mother to me. As adults we still.want parents I.did however get to a point where I stopped wanting anything from my.sisters. I dont know where it came from but I believe I grieved it fully There is no.right and wrong practice to this dealing with triggers. I have to work on it daily. I.am a million miles from where I was My expectations in my.life are reasonable these days. Grief work.has brought in e a lot of acceptance Keep posting. Awareness is everything Maresie

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a restful weekend and I think I am coming down with a cold .. LOL. It was nice though I did some cooking and relaxed with my youngest. My oldest moved out although his version of moving out is moving out and leaving his stuff he doesn't want to deal with .. LOL .. I said no. So he has a plan to come back and deal with it once a week so we'll see how that goes. I am insisting he takes his stuff with him. He's moving in with his girlfriend who I really like so that's a plus .. no more school shooter .. LOL. I did have a good cry I am grateful he's only moving across town so I hope he will come home to visit.

Maresie, hit on such a good point about wanting my mother to be the mother who was engaged and not about herself .. LOL .. logically I KNOW that's not reasonable. There is still that part of me that wants both my parents to give me what they should have and I think in my current state of inner emotional stuff it's just flooding forward.

Funny part is I am very calm and relaxed to the point both of my kids have noticed a major shift in me .. however my BF is taking the brunt of my irritability atm .. which is not fair either and I know that .. interestingly enough I think the healthy parts in me is seeing the unhealthy in him and reacting to that knowing it's not good for me. I'm just tired of the talk and no action kind of stuff. Or I can do this and that and then nothing .. LOL .. it's like umm .. oookkk.

Anyway, .. things at work are going to shift big time and so I will just keep going since that's all I can do right? No worries there. My mom has surgery this Thursday for her gall bladder stuff so hopefully she will be able to be home and resting I know she has anxiety about all of this at the moment. I don't blame her.

Thanks for being here, S :)

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Take care of that cold this week, S!!

& :love:

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that to this day I.run into issues where.it is clear.how. neglected I.was.as.a.child. That is some.of the hardest work My two sisters responded very differently to our childhood. They turned to alcohol. Hence some of my attachment to alcoholics. Some days I can have a lot of compassion for.my mother That doesn't mean I do not acknowledge how terrible.she was These days I expect nothing from my sisters but that place was not easy to get to. I had to do a.lot of grief work to get there. I know being with an aging parent brings up a.lot of grief. That requires a lot of love patience and space to deal with. You deserve that in buckets. Maresie

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Peace to you, my friend. I always go back to One Day at a Time....always. And sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. How are you feeling now? And, congrats on your oldest moving out! My kid won't be ready for that for quite some time, lol.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL .. I don't know about he's ready to move out however it's a good step (I hope). He will be with people his own age and spreading his wings which is always a positive. I do see a couple of rude awakenings for him and we'll see how that goes.

I feel better, I really do notice a remarked difference with the CBD emotionally. So I'm hoping that this will continue to move me forward in a positive way.

There's been good news all the way around really. OMG I had another dream about my X over the weekend, I didn't mention it because I wasn't sure how I felt about it. That shook me up you would think after all this time that would stop. I KNOW .. I just KNOW when I have these dreams something is coming. I had a friend of mine who used to say to be forewarned is to be forearmed and I do believe that. I think I will always be connected on some level to my X just because of the kids. My mother instincts going off. At least in this dream he wasn't trying to kill me .. LOL. That's totally not Freudian on any level. It was a much more gentle dream. One where he was saying goodbye, and said everything I KNOW lol .. he will not say to me real time. It was a letting go dream big time which leads me to believe he's having some health issues on top of his knee surgery. So I am waiting for another email. My anxiety around him financially isn't there which normally I'm in an ingrained panic over the money. It's weird it's only connected to him and that's that hallucination on my part that he controls so much financially for me when he doesn't really.

Anyways, I'm really am feeling better and way more relaxed even if more emotional. The stuff with the boyfriend will sort itself, I'm trying to really work on accepting that he who he is and he will change only if and when he's ready to do so. So .. it's just hurry up and wait.

S :)

2HP · Senior Member

I must add that only one reply here is the type that brought any "value" to my recovery.

what is getting in the way of you finding a new sponsor?

what is getting in the way of your weekly meeting attendance and getting involved locally?

somewhere in our literature it asks, how does my relationship to a higher power "show?" If I'm reaching for "crutches" other than the HP, how different is that from an alcoholic?

I am grateful to carry this message: The solutions of Al-anon work. Even when I believed wholeheartedly that I was uniquely victimized and damaged. I was pushed by real friends to go to any lengths to get it... by real friends who stopped listening and sympathizing with my disease, that is what stops giving it more weight and making it my reality. They challenged me to grow beyond...

this is my prayer for you. you can do it.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

2HP,

I don't have transportation as I stated already.

Thanks for the support though I appreciate it.

:)

2HP · Senior Member

sweetie, I don't have the power to fully support you, but there is ONE who has all power...

and if true help and support is what you desire, you will find the entire universe rise up to meet your every need.

Every state I have lived in, people need rides and members are so glad to do it. I had the opportunity this past Sunday... such a great conversation...!!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

You have obviously never been to Texas .. so I won't bore you with how far things are and traffic from where I am. It's probably over an hour to the nearest meeting from where I am .. that doesn't include me getting home from work. I'm not comfortable getting into a car with someone I haven't met before to drive that kind of distance in the evening. The time of meetings is another issue the meetings I have found start at 6pm in the middle of the week. I have my youngest still in high school and honestly I'm tired after working all day to be getting home between 9 - 10pm. So maybe another few months things will be different. When I moved here I did attend some meetings .. I didn't enjoy them as they were very sterile and I even called an AA recovery place to see what kinds of meeting list they had as our group always offered families meeting lists and the number I called the nice gentleman asked how I got his number and they closed that meeting over 2 years ago. So not for lack of trying on my part. It just hasn't happened.

2HP · Senior Member

Well you don't seem to be as desperate as I was but your recovery is your responsibility. I gladly travel an hour for the healing vibrations of a good meeting because the company I keep has a powerful influence.

I would ask that you consider this site is using the Al-Anon name, implying that the message of Al-Anon is carried here. Al-Anon offers tools and solutions much greater than CBD oil. nowhere in our literature have I found the suggestion of mood or mind-altering substances.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

CBD is not mood altering it is hemp oil and at least what I use has no THC .. I get mine from a dr who is an oncologist and I consider her a friend. There are many issues it addresses .. it helps with anxiety .. seizures .. tremors .. nausea .. the list goes on. I'm not taking xanax or any other "mind altering drugs" my choice for my mental health is to move in a more holistic approach. My recovery may not be a straight line such as yours was for you. Please feel free to keep your insults and barbs to yourself. I am free to find recovery as I am able to. If you read my posts you would see I am reading the literature meditating and choosing to try different things. That's what is so brilliant about this program is being able to choose what I like and leave the rest. I like to think I try to be supportive as everyone is in a different place in their own recovery. Have a great day unless you have other plans :)

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

First things first...there is no reason for anyone to make this, or take this, personal/personally. In a dead forum and medium such as this, there is so much missing -- most of all -- the human element and aspects of communication. Hence, a dead medium. Ironic that it is often called "dead"...LOL...no life, not alive, not living. So, here we are -- many in a program -- where not taking it personally is a very common theme and mindset. So, folks, don't take it personally. Let's not make this personal, with attacks, insults, or the like.

That said, everyone's struggle is different. If all of us took our struggles and put then in a big pile, in the middle of the room...and we were given the chance to pick from all of them...we would each choose our own struggle and take it back! LOL. If you listen to someone's struggle, and feel it's not big deal, that is an opportunity...to look at yourself. Another's struggle may seem trivial, simple, inconsequential, etc. -- and if it is, I have often thought...you need to look at yourself and not be in the judgmental mode.

Lean on and into your sponsor. Don't have one. Get one. Can't find one. Keep looking. Look harder. Keep moving forward. A co-worker of mine says...keep making excuses, explaining why not, talking, commenting, and so on...or work harder.

Everyone has different ingredients for their own recovery. Find the recipe that works. Keep working it, improving it, getting better, getting healthy.

It's very simple everyone...Alanon works if you work it...so work it...you're worth it!

2HP · Senior Member

Sweetheart, its your perfect right to interpret my words as insulting and declare CBD to not be a mood altering drug... even though your own words here say that it is.

I do care that you continue to suffer when there is a way out through "the use" of the Al-Anon toolkit laying at your feet... today is a new day! God bless you!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.