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Post Info TOPIC: ODAT, October 4


~*Service Worker*~

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ODAT, October 4


In today's ODAT reading, members talk about how they handle blaming and finger-pointing directed at them by someone else.  One member does not internalize the harsh words or argue with them, but tries to have compassion when someone is lashing out because of their need to unload their own guilt.

Another member acknowledges having a hard time doing that.  When her husband tells her off, she feels like the devil is sitting on her back with a fifty-pound weight in each pocket.

The reminder suggests that we only need to take responsibility for our own shortcomings, not accept blame for another person's irrational actions. 

========================

Harsh words can really hurt. When I feel that I'm being blamed, it helps me to remember something I heard:  If someone calls you a chair, it does not mean you are a chair. 

Some remarks that people make can really sting.  But with a realistic attitude and healthy boundaries, I can shorten the amount of time that pain lasts, and move forward.



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~*Service Worker*~

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smile Nice, clear, and simple, Freetime... [sort share]... once I used to say: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will always hurt me. Certainly a ready source of shame and trauma.

     In Alanon I learned that a lot of this blaming and shaming behaviour was intergenerational... ...that is wasn't intended to hurt or harm. And in some of our family members this manifested in addiction to alcohol, and the related substances.

]Longer share...]... my first Alanon meeting a member stood up and poked her index finger in the air... "when one  finger is pointing, three are pointing back at me!"

True enough. We learn to 'let go and let god' and to keep it simple... and this truly took me many years to achieve. They say that still waters run deep- true enough. But so does trauma.

I met John F. once- the sole founder of the MIP groups. He inspired me- because his journey, and his Miracle In Progress began under a bridge in Dallas Texas. And my kid bother lived in the same town.

John told me that his sponsor ad the skill of a lay therapist. And he had been able to pass this on to John. Not today that either were qualified for anything- but they did have qualities we would want to find I a sponsor. This did not take John into an instant saint. He was a bit of a cowboy really- but he did have empathy and insight.

I pressed on with my recovery, after that meeting, but now I had a much better idea of what I was sailing for. And what a Step 12 might begin to look like.

12 steppers sort of recognise each other. Mostly I think it is an emerging consciousness... and, for me the first sign was that I was beginning to get into step with the world. Not just with other members.

I always say this one: One of the signs of improvement- is the sense that 'this is taking forever'. 'This seems impossible.'

The reason for this palaver- is to say: until we can see ourselves clearly and truly, our judgements of others will always be skewed. This is the way of the world really- and we ARE NOT on our own!

I always say that I went from simple compassion- to a state of empathy. This difference for me is that I learned to love myself. Unconditionally- and from this base I was able to love others- in the same way.

Often do make judgements, and even guesses... but I have my mouth and my ears open. And try to keep an open mind. [Chats, conversations, sharing narratives, emotional sobriety, emotional intimacy step in here.] And i do it as much here, as anywhere else.

This makes life much less stressful... and give me a breathing space to begin to heal from old stuff.

And create new stuff... Yay!!! aww...

Thanks so much for this group- and a chance to share. smile ...



-- Edited by DavidG on Friday 4th of October 2019 02:31:35 AM

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Each Alanon member is my teacher.                                                                                                                  



~*Service Worker*~

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Good morning all thanks for the topic i know that since entering alanon and working the steps, I have uncovered many defects such as blaming and gossip that HP has lifted from me. I never realized how damaging these defects were until I stopped and observed how they affected me and others.
This program has truly restored me to "sanity":)

Thanks or your service

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you everyone for sharing on this topic.

In the beginning it was very hard for me to not take things personally. Many times I still struggle today. Now it depends on 1)The source and 2) How confident I feel about myself.
Because of my issues with perfectionism, and low esteem, it can be very easy for me to accept blame.

I really like the thought, "If someone calls you a chair, it doesn't mean you are a chair." It makes it seem obvious (b/c well, look, you obviously are not a chair! LOL), but in it's simplicity sits the truth.

TGIF!
&

__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. It certainly does not feel good when another is throwing blame/shame my way! What I've learned in recovery is to seek the truth, seek to understand, and realize that what another thinks of me is not a reflection on me nor is it truth. I do know that no matter how another talks, screams, reacts, etc. I no longer want to respond in kind. It just sets the stage for me to return to the insanity of before.

I was taught early on to pray for those I am troubled by (relationship, actions, resentments, etc.) This really does help as it humanizes me and them and helps me get to a level of acceptance. I have no need or use for 'justifiable anger' in my life today. It's much easier to let things go and trust my HP to lead me accordingly.

Happy Friday all - make it a lovely day!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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