The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning MIP and Happy Thursday. The reading today is about compassion and how many of us arrive no entirely certain what it is. By process of elimination, we do know it is NOT: Seeking Revenge, Holding Grudges, Calling Names, Screaming or Throwing Things in Anger. Many of us find that we had reacted this way in the past towards the person we claimed to love. The reading suggests we can begin to understand compassion by removing these behaviors.
Even if we can't define compassion, we can recognize that it starts with realizing we are dealing with a sick person who sometimes exhibits symptoms of a disease. We don't have to take it personally and we don't have to seek to punish another for being sick. We are worthy people and don't have to take it, but we should remember we have no right to dish it out either.
Reminder: I will spend more time with myself in this lifetime than anyone else. Let me learn to be the kind of person I would like to have as a friend.
Quote from S. R. Hole: "He who would have beautiful roses in his garden must have beautiful roses in his heart."
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I can say I was guilty of responding to the insanity of this disease with unhealthy ways. In anger, it felt justified and right yet afterwards, I found myself full of shame and guilt as I was far from proud of my reactions. I tried to not do it, and just did not have the tools (including compassion) to do so successfully without recovery!
Today, I can step away from unacceptable behavior with ease and without judgement. If I must throw blame, I can towards the disease vs. the diseased, and have learned to pray for the other person and for acceptance. I am way better at not taking things personally and by focusing on me and my recovery, I joyfully today live life on life's terms with grace, dignity, sanity and serenity.
Enjoy your day MIP family! Happy Thursday!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
A good reading for me today, and a reminder that I can chose compassion, even when others do not. I'm feeling very backed into a corner by my in-laws regarding a financial matter that they arranged with AW. I stayed out of it, and want to stay out of it. I didn't want or ask for their help, the issue isn't even my issue. I wasn't part of the decision making that created the possibility of the issue, or the decision making that created the issue, once the possibility was established. From where I am sitting, AW made a bad financial decision, and they got in the way of letting natural consequences play out. Now, they are using this to hound both of us (more her) nearly every day, multiple times a day, and trying to dictate and control several aspects of our life/marriage. For myself, in face of this, I lapsed right back into my old habit of feeling rage and plotting revenge/holding a grudge. The in-laws aren't alcoholics, but they are both impacted by the effects of living with the disease and whatever else has impacted their lives. I realized this morning while reading this passage that I can chose to act toward them with compassion. I have choices. I don't have to feel like I'm forced into things. I don't have to put up with unacceptable behavior from them, either. I can chose to respond in healthy ways, I can speak my truth, and I can decide what is right for me. I can set boundaries with them, too. I don't have to allow this to take over my life or ruin my day. And, I don't have to take things personally. I can decide to stay out of it, and consult with a lawyer if needed.
Appreciative for this reminder that serenity is mine, if I want it to be.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning IAH For many years I believed that I ccould expesss compaSSION BY "fixing" the problem. Enter alanon and I discovered that giving advise and fixing problems were only taking away anothers ability to experience life.and to make MYSELF feel better.
i could express compassion by offering my services or by simple words.
At first, I was nothing but compassion. But I hadn't the tools to temper that compassion with what was within MY control! I thought I could fix it all! When it became obvious that this problem was not going to be fixed by me, but was within the scope of the addicted one, I lost all hope. Due to my Qualifier's behaviors I eventually lost my compassion. I took everything personally. Looking back, how could I not? This was my spouse, my "life-partner." I was an extension of him... right? Wrong.
It took separation, a divorce, and lots and lots of work on ME to get my compassion back.
For me, I could not do it while living in the same house. I am in awe of those who can... but I now accept that it is not a failing on my part.
Happy Thursday all! My team plays tonight, so I am excited to go out after work!
&
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for your service IAH, and what an important read today's is. Prior to recovery, I was desperate and confused. I was on a constant roller coaster. Broken promises were made over and over. I had tried compassion, fixing, controlling, you name it. The lies and drinking and driving were too much to take. I shut down emotionally and bought my own place!
Fast forward to a number of years in alanon, I live half time in my own place. I am there today and I love it. My A is a dry drunk now, and not happy about my choices. But I love my choices. I have put myself first. And I treat my A with compassion and pray for forgiveness daily. I'm trying as hard as I can to focus on me, yet respect the disease of alcoholism and what it has done to my family. You can't understand it unless you have lived it. Lyne
I had a rival in the community. And we seemed to fight constantly. Well he seemed to be fighting with himself- and he caused me one heap of trouble. His mum was the A. And of course- in a place where no-one talked about addiction- this was doubly so where the A. was a woman!
I was at a public meeting last week- standing for council. My SO said- make eye-contact with someone in the audience when you speak. Well I found myself hot-wired with someone- and this was the widow of the guy I just mentioned!
Last night I was at a one-act play over the river from here. And she plonked herself down beside me at that. The conflict between her hubby and me had cost people a whole heap of money. But I guess she had seen through all of that. Amends wasn't spoken, as such-but it was there...
...so the anger and the grudges have evaporated. Most of the conflict was understood, anyway... by people on the sidelines. No reason to taint further generations.
Thanks.
-- Edited by DavidG on Thursday 3rd of October 2019 10:59:33 AM
-- Edited by DavidG on Thursday 3rd of October 2019 11:44:30 AM
Thank you for your service IamHere and your share.
This is one of the many reasons why I keep coming back... when I feel flooded with frustration, anger, sadness, I remember a time when I'd act on the "crazy".
Now, I pause and return to my program and Alanon. I remind myself it's ok to feel overwhelmed and I am powerless.I ask myself about the facts or did I fabricate stories in my head. Often, my monkey brain chatter completes situations that are simply situations that don't make sense at the moment (usually because I'm trying to force my will.)
Compassion is key. I am practicing how to have more for myself so I can offer it more honestly and genuinely to others.
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