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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Help, please? Input on a meeting topic
Post Info TOPIC: Help, please? Input on a meeting topic
Aloha


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Hi everyone,

In a couple weeks I'm going to be going to a retreat where the primary focus is Al-Anon thought it's not an official Al-Anon event.

I was asked to lead a meeting on a portion of the St. Francis prayer (during the whole retreat, others will be leading on other portions of the St. Francis prayer).

I've been chewing on it and praying on it for a while, and thought I'd see if anyone here has personal thoughts, experience, etc. around what this portion of the St. Francis prayer means to you and how it shows up in your life.

For instance, one interesting thought I heard was that someone actually uses the St. Francis prayer as a part of their daily 10th step. Asking themselves how they showed up in comparison to the prayer.

My portion of the prayer is:

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love

So, some of the thoughts that come up for me is self-seeking versus selflessness.

I relate heavily to this payer as I feel how my illness shows up is closer along the lines of alcoholism than... al-anonism. Meaning often I hear many Al-Anon members tend to be enablers because they want everything/everybody to be okay. I enable only because it's a means to an end for me - meaning if I don't feel like I'm going to be getting something from you then you don't really factor much importance in my life. But if you are THE one, then I'm sinking my claws into you and placing my worthiness in your hands, so I will do whatever it takes to make you impressed with me, love me, validate me. Ouch. It's actually difficult typing that because I feel like I'm supposed to be some selfless saint.

So how do I tackle that behavior in myself? It's through a lot of practice. Showing up and saying "yes" when I've been asked to help a friend or loved one. Volunteering for service. Saying something kind to someone when usually I just keep my mouth shut. Being loving and accepting of others, especially those who trigger me. Remembering to ask God for help.

Other words that came up for me were things such as:

Self-pity, self-hatred, clingyness, neediness, co-dependence, expectations and resentments, low self-esteem

Opposites of those are:

service, compassion, acceptance, good self-esteem/self-worth

Another thought that came up for me was "hope and help for families of alcoholics"

How much have I wished to punish the alcoholic and be seethingly angry with him when perhaps some kindness might have made life for the two of us a little easier? How can I spread that message of compassion to newcomers and other Al-Anon members?

Some reads from AA's big book "into action" pages 83-84:

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole atti­tude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will in­tuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

pages 87-88:

...As  we  go  through  the  day  we  pause,  when  agitated  or  doubtful,  and  ask  for  the  right  thought  or  action.  We  constantly  remind  ourselves  we  are  no  longer  running  the  show,  humbly  saying  to  ourselves  many  times  each  day  Thy  will  be  done.  We  are  then  in  much  less  danger  of  excitement,  fear,  anger,  worry,  self-pity,  or  foolish  decisions.  We  become  much  more  efficient.  We  do  not  tire  so  easily,  for  we  are  not  burning  up  energy  foolishly  as  we  did  when  we  were  trying  to  arrange  life  to  suit  ourselves.

 

So both of those passages also make me think of "Let go and Let God"

 

Thanks so much for reading my rambling thoughts around this. I'd sincerely appreciate any shares you may have around this portion of the prayer.

 

For reference, here is the prayer in its entirety:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.



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DavidG


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   Oh, wow, Aroha, what a great opportunity...smile ...

   the first line of that prayer really resonates with me... "instrument of your peace", for me, became- let me be a good example of Alanon recovery... ...let me show the world that I can be free... ...that ah kin laugh... that I can talk and chat with people without fear.

I think that our opening up the topic is helpful... allowing yourself to freewheel and ramble.

Just taking our recovery and our lives out into the world is priceless! 

Inspiring... aww ...



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TrishaNorth44


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Aloha

Thanks for this post. I remember singing it at church as a girl and it brought back some wonderful memories. The wording was a little different in the hymn as the chorus was
"Make me a channel of Your peace
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy"
I remember the song touching me so powerfully even as a child without a care in the world. Listening to it on you tube just now, it again brought me to tears. Tears of Joy that is, and what a gift that is!
What a wonderful poem for Al Anon, thanks again

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Iamhere


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TrishaNorth44 - me too!! I sang the version you shared in school choir and loved, loved, loved it - it also touched my heart as a child.

Aloha - sounds like a wonderful retreat/opportunity. The AA read from 83-84 is the promises of AA. It's read at many meetings, including the next paragraph that has the A. B. C. "Are these extravagant promises? We think not...."

The AA read from 87-88 is a portion of suggestions for Step 10. That entire chapter, in my opinion, really speaks to how we in recovery, AA or Al-Anon, can take this program, the steps, the tools, etc. and use them in our life, each and every day, inside/outside of the rooms!

I love that you've been praying about your portion of the retreat. My experience is that when I am asked to do service work in any setting, my first reaction is not always my best reaction - in other words, the BR (Before Recovery) me wants it to be exceptional, perfect, well-done, etc. What I really, really love about our program is when I pause, pray and then proceed, the words/message is not mine, but rather divinely inspired.

I will say that I took the Prayer apart and spent time on each portion and what it meant 'for me'. For the to console rather than be consoled, I spent much of my life BR focusing on how events, people, things affected me. I really didn't have much concern for others. For instance, the death of a close friend's husband - he was also my friend....At the news of it, I broke down and cried, primary for how much I would miss him, his smile, his kindness, etc. All of which is clearly normal - to a point. I really struggled to have empathy and concern for this same loss in others, such as my friend, the widower and her kids. As a former people pleaser who also had all the answers for any/everyone, I lacked the grace to adequately console others as I was (selfishly) grieving myself. What I now know is that my grief is mine and doesn't preclude me from consoling others and it can be as simple as cooking, cleaning, rides, card, etc. So, when 'life' happens today, I can pause and consider the facts and my feelings. In spite of my feelings, I can lean into my HP, my recovery and proceed to ask for the strength and grace to be of service and console others.

For the seek to understand vs. to be understood, this was a full year of practice, consciously, one day at a time, each and every day. It started with actively listening to the words and meaning of those words from others. I had (again) spent much of my life BR wanting to be understood, heard, right and respected. For some reason, my brain/heart tied all these things together. I was not a good listener. Today, I try to spend time listening instead of preparing my response/rebuttal. In seeking to understand, I often ask clarification - are you just wanting to vent or do you want feedback? There is a huge amount of research about unsolicited advice (I used to do this quite often, and don't any longer) and the connection to self-esteem/worth. In the case of my A(s), our communication has improved by me spending more time listening (than thinking, planning a response or even speaking) and seeking clarification of my role.

This prayer has given me the ability to really practice unconditional love and acceptance. I know that when I am angry, I am way LTP (Less Than Perfect) at communication, grace, diplomacy, etc. This prayer has allowed me to realize the same is true for others. When my A(s) are angry, ranting, blaming/shaming, this prayer helps me realize it's not about me, but about them. Perhaps they had a bad day, perhaps ........there's a million things and none of it has to do with me. When I can just focus on the words and content, I can hear that it's really not about me. This prayer reminds me that the God of my understanding wants me to be happy, joyous and free. That same creator gave me free will - it's my choice if I use that to spread joy, peace, understanding, grace, patience or if I use that to blame/shame/dismiss/belittle others.

I don't know if any of this helps....I do know that anytime I am doing service work by speaking, it really helps me to take HP with me, check my motives and speak from the heart. You work a great program and that's what matters - I have faith HP will speak through you no matter what you bring with you!

If you like Christian/Choir type music, it's worth a listen....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWi-Plu0WbA

(((Hugs)))



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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Aloha


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Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I'm loving it.

IAH, I appreciate your focus on each line and I can definitely relate with all that you've shared.

You're right - I trust that whatever needs to come up at this meeting will come up, and whatever I need to say will end up being said. All in God's timing and plans.

I love hearing the fond memories this prayer/song brings to others.

I didn't grow up in a religious home so I've not been exposed to the musical version, so I appreciate the share.

It's interesting for me, because I know when I first hear the prayer, my first feeling is GUILT. (I'll have to write that one down). It brings out that perfectionism monster in me that says "See - you do NONE of this!" or rather, "This is what you SHOULD be doing." and there's a wagging of a finger.

But when I review the prayer a second time, I see there's an admission that I can't do it myself and I need HP's help, and I get that help by asking. So it's all trusting God to guide my actions.

I'm feeling very good about this and having some more knowings.

I hope to hear more perspectives.

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Iamhere


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Aloha - I did grow up with organized religion and yet struggle as you do....What helps me, and I really didn't even focus on this for many, many years is that most prayers start with a request/plea to a power greater than I. I honestly glossed over that and even in recovery, found myself skipping the word 'God' in the Serenity Prayer and just started with Grant..... instead.

My sponsor had to point that out to me (which I found funny as I went thru 12 years of private religious school). Love that recovery allows me to be thrilled with progress, and to set aside perfection! (((Hugs))) - I too hope more post!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
el-cee


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Hi aloha. I've not been posting much or replying much for a while now bit I still read quite a lot. Trying to practice humility a bit more in terms of I dont know all the answers lol and trying to listen bit more than talking these days. I love your post though and couldn't resist chiming in. I hope I say something useful. For me the st Francis prayer is the goal and reward through working the steps because I feel it's about not seeking that validation of worthiness through being heard by others and gaining their approval or if you have a rebellious mind like me then actively seeking others disapproval can also be a goal. It's like the prayer is telling us to take the power of our self esteem back from others to self because when we seek to give rather than take the rewards are ours. I believe this is where self esteem and self worth come from. It's not easy to live the prayer but when I try and keep it at the forefront of my mind I like myself better. I'm in Gods will. I'm speaking gods language I'm connected to others and not separate im more equal. I like me. I cant maintain it though because this ego can be fed by the results lol. Or my ego can but in and before I know it I'm wanting to be loved and heard and understood and me me me. I think that this will always be the pattern because I'm human and my recovery is not a straight line and unfortunately never will be. Lol. I want perfect recovery. I want to be st Francis every day lol. You also talk of relating to the alcoholic more than the alanoner the enabler. I had a masters in enabling but it was connected to that same selfishness and self centred ness. I was surprised to see in my step 4 that all my fears around others that I loved were completely about me and how I felt rather than me being a caring concerned person. Sounds harsh but it was the truth of me and I'm okay with that. Now I have God there are no fears or worries well I can still tap into these things but my faith and trust that everything is perfectly perfect at all times despite what I think or imagine frees me from so much. What a blessing this program is. Thank you for sharing yourself like this and allowing me to share a bit if me too. Enjoy your retreat x



-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 24th of September 2019 05:32:18 PM

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Aloha


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Thank you so much, el-cee!

That was perfect. I agree, too, that what I witness as people trying to be helpful (enabling) is in fact them trying to make themselves feel better, so yes, there are selfish reasons behind it. But that witnessing I have is my taking others inventory, so I refrained from saying that. But thank you for pointing that out. I think probably a lot of people out there justify their enabling under the guise of "just trying to help" when really deep down they're just doing what they can to remove their own personal discomfort.

Great key points: seeking validation, and when we're healthier spiritually via working the steps and bringing God into our lives we don't feel the need to do that any longer, and can instead GIVE instead of ask to receive.

Keep the thoughts coming lurkers! Remember that although maybe you may feel your input might not be helpful, it will be exactly what someone needs to hear. *love*

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Aloha


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Thank you again to those who chimed in.

The retreat was wonderful and full and enriching. I got something out of each segment that was shared.

When it came to my portion to lead, the key thought I came up with was "Compassion". So I did a share around that.

By the close of the meeting there were many wonderful shares and I had an "ah hah" moment dawn on me that I shared with the group - that each of us were practicing those versus each time we came to meetings - we find ourselves understanding others. We find ourselves consoling others. And we find ourselves loving others.

Our Al-Anon meetings are the St. Francis prayer in beautiful action. And many said they find the 12 steps in the prayer.

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SerenityRUS


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Ohhh how nice Aloha!! That sounds amazing :)

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PosiesandPuppies


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Thank you for sharing the outcome, Aloha! I absolutely love hearing about people's "AHA" moments!

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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 
JerryF


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"Our Al-Anon meetings are the St. Francis prayer in beautiful action. And many said they find the 12 steps in the prayer."   Perfect.  Prayer for me is active communication with HP and the others HP uses to facilitate my growth, peace of mind and serenity.  HP stands with me, behind, along side, in front and within others.  We are blessed.  ((((Hugs))))...Practice, practice, practice.   smilewink 

 



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