Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

cfgc1215 · Newbie

New here - need advice - partner hiding alcohol

cfgc1215 · Newbie

I also want to add that he is what I would call a high functioning alcoholic. He's very financially stable. He has been at his job for 9 years. He does VERY well for how young he is. He comes home after work every night. He is very much a home body, does not go out and party or hang out with a ton of people. He'd rather be home, honestly. Or fishing with me. I have to push him to go have 'guy time' which usually is one every couple of months to ride dirt bikes with my brother or his friend.

His mother and father were BAD BAD BAD alcoholics - so he grew up around this. He also will NOT drink and drive since he's had 2 DUIs before I met him. One when he was 19 and another when he was in his early 20s. He's smartened up in regards to that aspect.... but the hiding of the alcohol. I need the hiding to stop and don't know what exactly to say to him.

-- Edited by cfgc1215 on Thursday 19th of September 2019 02:02:22 PM

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi cfgc and welcome.

I encourage you to get yourself to some local face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. You're affected by your partner's drinking and Al-Anon can help. If you go to a face-to-face meeting you should also be provided with some very helpful literature in the form of a newcomer's packet that details out what the disease of alcoholism is like and how it affects those who care about a problem drinker. Get a phone list, as well, and chat with someone after the meeting.

In my experience, lying goes hand-in-hand with alcoholism. I could make myself completely insane trying to figure out "WHY" the alcoholic lies. It's like trying to figure out why a butterfly flies in its erratic pattern or why the weather suddenly changed to rain when the forecast promised sunny skies all day. A lot of things are beyond my scope of knowledge.

All I DID know was that the lying disturbed me and that I became irritable and unreasonable because the alcoholic wouldn't change so that I could feel okay.

Yes, the lying hurts. I know it really triggers my ego. My ex lied to me constantly. I could even ask him a neutral question where there were no consequences attached and he'd still lie.

I was thankful to realize that I needed help and I found that help in the rooms of Al-Anon. It was there where I met people experiencing the exact same things and I learned from them how to live a better life whether the alcoholic was drinking or not.

In the meantime, give this pamphlet a read (and definitely pick up the physical copy for yourself when you get to a meeting):

Alcoholism, A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi CFGC, I also welcome you and I echo everything that Aloha shared. I too found hidden alcohol and understand the feelings of anger and betrayal.

After being in Al-Anon for a while, I came to understand that for me, the only thing I could do was to share my concern for his health (and believe me, the health effects will catch up with the drinker sooner or later) -- and then let it go and turn all my focus onto myself, for self-care. Another thing I learned that helped me -- an alcoholic is not choosing alcohol over me or the family, they are choosing alcohol over no alcohol. The lying and hiding is to protect their access to alcohol.

My thought for you is to focus on yourself and your children. Do you have someone else besides your partner to help you care for yourself and them when the new baby comes?

Best wishes, this board is here 24/7 and there are online meetings in case you cannot get to a face-to-face meeting.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

We don't give advice Catrina but we do heartily welcome you to the Experiences, Strengths and Hopes of the fellowship. The program of the AFG (Alanon Family Groups) has worked wonders for many of us after we attended, listened, learned and practiced what worked for others who came before us.

We follow suggestions such as getting a sponsor and I could hear my elder sponsors leading me to read my story about my alcoholic/addict wife as if it was written by someone else to see what my part in the problem was. I was horrified as what I found. I also found that I didn't cause the disease, couldn't control the disease or the alcoholic and wouldn't cure her...the 3"Cs" of Alanon which is just one of many tools I was given to help me recover the affects of the disease of addiction that I had not known I was born and raised in.

Alcoholism is Cunning....Powerful....and baffling and trying to control or cure an alcoholic will get me as sick as they are without the anesthesia of the chemical to block out reality and therefore...I got worse than she did. Because of that I know first had the insanity we speak about in the program.

With Aloha (the member and my culture) I also welcome you to the MIP family...sit and read and listen. Go back in posts and read more and share again what you have found out and realize now so that you can help others who come up behind you.

Your Alcoholic? Turn him over to a power greater than Catrina like maybe God and Let Go. Keep coming Back ((((Hugs)))) confuse wink aww

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome...unfortunately, you are going to have to face some realities, or else you are going to be constantly disappointed, betrayed, upset, angry, sad, and more...and you might be that way 24/7.

I say this because, as you know, your partner is an alcoholic. You have to truly understand what that means. I don't mean you have to study and do research on the technical, medical, etc., aspects of alcoholism. I wanted to be clear -- you have to truly understand what it means when I say "your partner is an alcoholic." It means that contrary to what he says and does, contrary to what you want, believe, and think...your partner MUST drink. He is addicted to alcohol. Drinking is not "A" focal point of his behavior and mindset, his way of being -- it is THE focal point. He is going to lie. Because it will allow him and make it OK for him to drink. He is going to deflect, change the subject, be vague, ambiguous, manipulate, blame, cry, beg for forgiveness, give excuses, be a martyr, a victim, and innumerable more things. Why? Because it will allow him and make it OK for him to drink. Anything, everything he does, has to allow him and make it OK for him to drink. Why? Because, a) that's what alcoholics do; and, b) he has to be OK with drinking, because he doesn't want to admit he has a problem...because if he admits he has a problem...then he has to quit drinking...and right now, he does not want to quit drinking. Even when an alcoholic so calls "admits" they have a problem, very often that doesn't mean they want to get better. They may say so -- but very often they don't, unconditionally, want to get better.

You are already falling into the trap of "denial" and rationalization, justification, etc. -- you are negotiating, with yourself, with him, and even more importantly, you are trying to control him, his drinking, and the entire situation. Look at this -- you've arrived at a precipice, where you are rationalizing that his drinking is OK, if it's 5% and not 8%, and if it's not "hard stuff" and so on and so on...yet the lying is the real problem. This is where our thinking has become so distorted that we know longer are thinking rationally, from a place of intellect, logic, and normal, healthy thinking. You want to confront him...why? Because you want to be right, you want to show him you are right, that you know...yet, you want to control your emotions and anger. You don't want to be upset. You said yourself...you need the hiding to stop. But, he has to hide the drinking...because he wants to drink what he wants to drink, and drink as much as he wants to drink, when he wants to drink...and he does not want you to know! Why? Because he doesn't want you to, nor does he care, if you have a problem with it.

I have to go into a meeting...so...more to follow...all the best.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

So...part 2...LOL.

So you partner is an alcoholic...and alanon is a program which can help you...but you need to get clear on that and what that means. It can help YOU. Not him. Alanon is not a program to get your loved one to stop drinking. It is not a program to get your loved one to stop lying, cheating, stealing, or anything. Step one is about ACCEPTANCE...and the fact that YOU cannot get, force, make, etc., someone else -- other than you -- to change! YOU can change. YOU CANNOT GET HIM TO CHANGE. So, why are you here? What do you want? Do you want to get better, get healthy, and be OK, and ultimately be happy...PERIOD? Or do you want him to change? Are you here to learn how to get him to change? In any way, shape, or form? The serenity prayer says...God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change...the COURAGE to change the things I can...and the WISDOM to know the difference. There is another version that says...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

That version is in my signature tag. I accepted that, embraced it, and I live it...and because of that...I got better...I got healthy...and my life is wonderful.

You asked how do you confront him, how do you prove to him, how do you get him t be upfront and honest with you...well, the alanon program is not about him or getting him to do anything. Alanon is about YOU and only YOU.

So, ask yourself what do you really want. It's OK if you admit that you want to get him to change. That's OK. You just need to understand that is not what the alanon program is.

But, if you want to get better...just better...you getting better, getting healthy, INDEPENDENT of whether he is drinking or not...then there are things you can do.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I too send you a warm welcome to MIP Catrina....so glad that you found us and that you shared. As Jerry suggests, alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It's also considered a family disease as most who love or live with an alcoholic are affected. There is no cure for alcoholism, the best treatment is abstinence and some type of formal recovery. For those family and friends affected by drinking in another, Al-Anon is our recovery program.

I can totally relate to what you shared - the drinking, cutting back, feeling more secure/peaceful, the discovery, the doubt, anger, etc. All of it!! One huge element of this disease is denial. It affects both the A and those who love them. Often it's behind what keeps the A active in the disease as well as keeps the family/friends stuck as well.

I can share that I tried everything - barter, compromise, threats, begging, pleading, screaming, silent treatment and much, much more. While there were short periods of 'hope', none of these strategies/efforts/ideas did anything long term. Simply because Alcoholism is a disease, and it's larger than life and certainly bigger than me/I.

I finally hit a low point in life, the lowest I'd ever been and found my way into the rooms of Al-Anon. It was frightening yet also peaceful as I finally found others who could truly relate and accepted me, broken and crazy, without judgement or advice. They shared about themselves, what they were like, what happened and what it was like now and I found snippets of hope. They had lived similar experiences and were still standing - and many were genuinely happy.

The program gives us tons of tools and support to handle our situation as needed. There is no 'one size fits all' to recovery but meetings (local, face to face) is how most of us start. Most meetings have welcome packages and literature and contact lists. Basically what was suggested to me was to focus on me as much as possible, avoid conflict that could/would escalate as arguing with an alcoholic is pointless, attend as many meetings as possible, call another in recovery each day to check in and find a sponsor. It was also suggested that I try to stay in the present, just focus on this day - not yesterday and not tomorrow. Easier said than done, but recovery is about progress, not perfection.

There is no shame in loving an alcoholic. I come from a family full of them, some better functioning than others. Through recovery, I have come to unconditionally accept and love them no matter what they are/are not doing. When I feel pulled towards the chaos/insanity, I use the tools of recovery to change the things I can - (Serenity Prayer) - which is always me.

Please keep coming back - you are not alone! Congratulations on the blessing that is almost here - and know there is hope and help in recovery!!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

hugs and welcome,

I think I'm a little confused by the time table, you are pregnant now or you have had your baby?

A's are going to lie it's part of the disease, my part in my X's drinking was my denial. I am not a subscriber to there is such a thing as a high functioning alcoholic .. that's great he has a job today .. alcoholism is a progressive disease and the job deal is not always true. My X had a great paying job and 3 DUI's depending who's count it was .. LOL .. my point is and I heard this from a recovering A .. you might have an issue if your drinking is impacting your way of life .. period. High functioning is a fantasy that is meant to rationalize and justify the drinking. Reality is most people I mean most people as in what ever billions in the world do not even get 1 DUI let alone 2, 3, 4 and so on. My X should have had more .. however he's very lucky that didn't happen .. I call it being a lucktard .. never in my life have I seen someone bounce so many times and come out of it ok.

My denial was it was really that bad .. after all it's "normal" for someone to blow off steam what I started to realize is most of my friends didn't have to drink 6 beers (that's 2 tall boys) in order to socialize with the family. Most people enjoyed spending time with their family and not being consistently numbed out or zoned out. When I started obsessing over him I was no better than what he was doing because my kids suffered for it. I will regret that as long as I live. I can't turn back the clock now. I can only move forward. It is not normal to drink daily 2 tall boys to actually engage in conversation .. that being said it wasn't my issue it was his.

Alanon gave me back boundaries I lacked and new ones .. what was my business what wasn't and guess what .. his drinking is currently and wasn't any of my business and I can't begin to tell you how bad that pissed me off when someone had the nerve to say that to me. It's true. In my case it's probably one of the reasons he's an X .. I got tired of being disrespected because he was so sick and I couldn't get better in the relationship there are lots who thrive and do very well because they have better boundaries than I did and sometimes still do. There were lots of deal breakers in that relationship for me.

Alanon was a life line and if you are able to go to a meeting go .. it made my life bearable reminded me to have a life and I couldn't be all tied up in other people's issues who were already grown adults. I'm not their mom. They should be already raised. I just can't anymore. LOL .. that's an age thing for me. Alanon gave me hope, not so much for the alcoholic however for me. It wasn't my job to fix, manage and control my X .. I had my own business to take care of and God needed to address this business.

Keep coming back because you aren't alone and you will discover that you can be happy and healthy regardless if the alcoholic is drinking or not.

Big hugs again, S :)

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I always find it ironic that the alcoholic -- and their drinking, behavior, mood, problems, etc. -- has so much "control" over our behavior, mood, mindset, and so much more. The alcoholic is the one who is drinking, and creating drama, turmoil, chaos, havoc -- and we are the ones who have to deal with the aftermath, blow-back, consequences, ramifications, etc.

And what do they do? Keep drinking. LOL. Oh, it's OK, they are high-functioning. Ummm, it's OK, they are a really good provider. Wait, it's OK, they are a great friend, spouse, partner. OK, that's all great...if that's what you choose.

I have long disagreed that denial is part of the alcoholic relationship, marriage, etc. In my opinion, and experience, that's BS. If you want to tell me denial is a component, part of, whatever, the disease of alcoholism... Absolutely!!! No argument there. However, that is separate and distinct from ME being in denial. Whether I know it and choose to be, or I don't, it's a blind-spot and I don't find out for whatever period of time, or I never find out and live that way forever...it's separate and distinct. If you want to tell me that alcoholism CAUSED me to be in denial and stay there, be in it, and so on...BS!!! Why? Because I don't have to be. I can choose not to be. No one can force you to stay in denial. No one puts a gun to your head and says, stay or I'll shoot. People who stay in denial either choose to or justify, rationalize, defend, etc. that they aren't...and guess what...they are in denial!!!

Just because the alcoholic is in denial...that doesn't mean I have to be. Period.

Alanon has the tools, resources, the entire program -- which is a program about change, us changing -- allows us to not be in denial...if we don't want to be.

If someone wants to get better...alanon can, and will help you achieve that...if you allow it to, if you let it, and if you do the work.

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

I could have said a lot of the same things about my ex partner the ex A. He was good at his job fir a time he made great money He certainly provided a home He also certainly was faithful I never worried about him being interested in another woman He was also (for a while) really sweet, kind and supportive to me But then there was his alcoholism, h i.u s drug usage and the consequences of that There is no.stereotypical picture of the alcoholic You have plenty on your plate with a new baby So be gentle with yourself Hiding their addiction is a huge part of an alcoholic Feeling betrayed is also a huge part of being with an alcoholic Feeling like you can control the addiction is another one we all get around That is an incredibly frustrating place ao please be nice to yourself. Be kind put down the stick There are a lot of tools and support you can get in al.anon The tools are enormously helpful on so many levels The more you practice them the better it is. Of course when we all get to this program we are all on overwhelm. Having a sponsor is a great great to use. I am eternally grateful to the people who.sponsored me Welcome to this group. This place has been so helpful to me on so many levels. Every day I am so grateful I found al anon Maresie .

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP and glad you found us...

My first thought was, hmm - an alcoholic who is hiding his drinks and lying about how much he drinks is not exactly newsworthy, in these parts! (I say that with no admonishment - more that you are among friends here who understand, as we have heard/seen/experienced those very same things with our A's).

I'm hoping you will find MIP a good place of support for you. Almost all of the good folks here will share their E,S&H with you - hopefully you don't get too many "shoulds" from us, as many of us have been in similar shoes, but never in YOUR shoes.

I encourage you to go to meetings, read literature, and find out what you can do for YOU and YOUR recovery from this awful disease.

Hugs

Tom

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"