The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My gut sez to refresh the subject. My head ain't to sure how to go about "IT" and is sending panic signals all over the place. We are confused and concerned about "IT". Someone or thing is pushing me to "Just let your fingers do "IT" and back off and don't worry about what happens". "IT" might be HP at the wheel. Who knows ? Is that what group conscious is? Hmm , so here goes the fingers !
Multitudes of opinions are flying around like amateurs and pros at a dart board. Everybody is practicing the game at the same time on the same board. Some know the rules and some dont as the rule book is missing to look "IT" up for yourself. The resulting having to discuss the game with each other. The authority/proprietor isn't around to referee, so, and everyone wants to practice at the same time. Chaois begins to take place, darts flying all over the place. Some get hit with the darts, some dodging, some trying to get order, some explaining the rules the best they can, some getting injured and leaving, and on and on. "ITS" asked that order take place. Where is the rule book and proprieter ? Can't find the book and someone suggests an idea where to find the proprietor and that they never met them face to face so not sure what they even look like to find them. Jeesh, what are they to do ?????
I'm sure each one of us will see our own view of the situation and what to do about "IT" . Then comes the communication to get on the same page. What are we to do as some speak english, some spanish, dutch, german, flemish, and so on. Seems an interpreter is needed too. They just happen to be with the missing proprietor/authority.
A newbie would be " ? " if they were to attend this place where there was common knowledge they could play on a dart board and walked in on "IT" happening.
I am for whatever reason putting a few posts up for anyone that would like to revisit or read the 1st time and see if they relate to "IT". There are many and instead of searching for them all and listing, I will put a few I'm most familiar with if you choose to read. Please bear with some of the choices of wording as I am still learning definitions and meanings for some. Some people like to assume, even so we are in recovery and learning together, instead of trying to find out and without the communications, they are prone to having more misinterprtations in the search for truth. "IT" gets further out of propotion.
POSTS: 3-25-06 Jokes dont fix the pain & desperation. (my 1st time in chat) 3-27 Seems many dont know of FISH NITE 3-27 Newcomers in chat revisited
If you decide to read them all together or separate and others relating to "IT", I would be curious to read here any thoughts you are willing to share about "IT"
The girl that left chat worse than she came in, "IT" looked like, I pray will return to get the explanations, so she will recover here with the group. I will miss her. I will say prayers for her.
BLESSINGS TO ALL Your sister in RECOVERY
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
There are many things in life without a rule book and we learn as we go along. John our founder is a very busy man, he more than puts in his time giving back to the program. Is there any person who can sit at the computer 24/7, no. That is why he has an OP handbook and OPs are trained to handle the room, as well have meetings to discuss problems that do arise in the room and we have an all OP email comminication system to keep all in the loop. Just as there is a leader at each face to face meeting place. You all are not being left out there to fend for yourself. We do not make independent decisions about policies, we vote just like as in the general meetings.
I realize there are many "ITS" that are understood, but if you ask, someone will answer or find you the answer. Just as your Fish Night question when you started. And the mystery of the MIP screw. These were posted questions and answered promptly when asked.
It has been my experience many newcomers come in the room and never come back for one reason or another. Others say they won't be back and they are, maybe with the same name maybe with a different one. Some are ready to step into recovery and some are not.
It is important to remember we are all individuals and at different stages in recovery. Some of us sicker than others and time in the program has no bearing on how "well" we are. Recovery is very individual, unpredicted path and is up to the individual how much energy they put into their own program.
Our focus should still be on ourselves. We are fixers by nature and want to help everyone, but some people are just not ready for help or are so sick they say things that sound so desperate we want to fix it on the spot. This format is unfortunately not a venue for a real hug and looking them in the eye for real help, it is intended to supplement the face to face meeting place.
A wise friend just told me, so many times when we read something we see it being aimed at us and it probably isn't. We are just so use to being put down, we take everything personally by our nature. So, I want you all to know I have no particualar person in mind as I write this. It is just my observations in my time here and what I have learned from those who have gone before me.
I hope this helps and I welcome any comments to myself in PM.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
In online meetings just like in f2f (face too face) meetings people do come and go. Some people find the meeting isn't the right one for them and seek another. Some find Alanon is not right for them. Some are just not ready to make any step at this time, they are searching, but not taking any action. All these reasons are fine.
I do go into chat occasionally, but I am more comfortable on the message boards. If I go into the chat, it is for a meeting and I just listen here online. It is how I prefer to do things. Newbies help people who have been in the program for a while, just as much as they are helped. hearing their shares, reminds us where we where and gives new and different perspective. Alanon is not a program with an ending or final point. It is continuouse and we are always growing and learning.
No one is a mind reader. It would not be fair for anyone to assume what another person, especially a new member wants or needs. We all have different needs at different times. If a person is in need of support and understading, they have to ask for it. I don't mean that to sound harsh, it is just a fact. Everyone has a right to speak up. If an answer isn't given right away, ask again.
Sometimes people are just blowing off steam and get a little carried away. All of us are here becasue we have been hurt, and all of us understand. It is ok to interupt and say help. It doesn't even have to be anything urgent, it could just mean help, I really need a hug and some understanding.
John and the OP's do the best they can, but they are human and not mind readers or magicians. The first thing we alanoners need to learn, because most of us have trouble with it, is to ask for what we need.
Everyone started here new and sick. A lot of people will reach out, but becasue it is an internet room, and no one can see you sitting there, you have to make yourself known, and ask to be reached out to. It does move fast, so maybe the boards or a meeting is easier for the first try. Send a private message to someone and ask questions or just ask here. Your questions will be answered.
Oh and ((())) are hugs, not quite the same thing, but the thought is there.
Reach out, keep coming back and keep asking questions. You are important and a valuable part of the program.
Sunday was the first time I came to this site at all. I was feeling very down and I admit that what I was looking for at the time was a quick fix. I wanted people to tell me how wrong my A is to treat me the way he does. I was feeling sorry for myself and I wanted others to as well. This board was my first stop and I found myself typing a long post, venting.
Upon entering the chat room, I found it to be quite fast paced and I did wonder if anyone would even notice me at all. I stayed as a guest for awhile and finally entered a name. Still, I sat quietly and watched, wanting to get a bit of a feel for how things worked there. I thought, "Wow...all these people seem to know each other pretty well." and that made an impression on me. For one, it told me that they had to have gotten something positive out of coming here since no one would keep returning to a room that was no good for them. Secondly, the way people were joking around and laughing gave me a bit of hope. I thought, "Wow...maybe things aren't as bad as I think. If they can laugh, maybe I can too." Within a few minutes of entering a nickname, someone asked what brought me there. I stayed quiet still because I didn't know how to answer that. Yes, my A husband is what brought me there, but I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing there. A few minutes later someone asked me how I was doing. My answer to that was, "I'm okay...I suppose." The "I suppose" meant that I'm okay as I can be for the moment but I'm not really okay and a veteran knew that. Right away I was encouraged to open up and before I knew it, I was sharing a little of what was happening. Before I left the room that night, I was laughing again. My problems were far from solved and I definitely didn't find the quick fix I was looking for, but I felt much better. I see that night as the start of a new beginning for me. I learned some things that first night...the most important being that I'm not alone in this.
I read your posts about jokes not stopping the pain...I agree totally, jokes don't stop the pain. However, having been in the chat room several times since Sunday, I will say that the joking gives me hope. Reading the flippant way others talk about their A and/or circumstances shows me that recovering from this mess IS possible. You know the old saying...laughter is the best medicine and I believe that that's entirely true sometimes. I stayed around after last night's meeting ended...a meeting where I shared for the first time other than in chat. I was in tears while I typed and for quite a bit after I was done. Things started to get silly in chat and I have to say that I'm glad I stayed around. I went from tears to laughing my butt off over the course of about an hour. It felt so good to laugh! I haven't truly had a good laugh in a long time, but I did last night.
To go back to your original question...yes, my first impression of chat was a good one. :)
I responded to one of your other posts earlier this morning. My comments to this one are that the more we put our focus, attentions and energy on a situation that is out of our control, the more we neglect focusing on ourselves, our issues and what is in our power to change.
Noone can control the chatroom or what others choose to say in there anymore than we can control our alcoholic/addicts addictions.
What we CAN control are our reactions. How we allow others to affect us. That is in our power to change. We can't change anyone else from our addicted loved ones to members here on the boards or in the chat. We can only change ourselves.
Anytime we dwell on anything that is outside of our power to change, we are doing nothing more than spinning our wheels and being active in *our* disease. It is counterproductive to focus too much on something we don't have any control over. It is nothing more than a great *excuse* for not focusing on ourselves and our recoveries.
That is my two cents on this subject.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I think one of the joys of the internet is that there are lots of places to chat and to post. I belong to about 3/4 groups presently but I have been an active partcipant in many many groups. I have had difficulty in certain groups at different times when I felt moderators were being too strict and devoicing people so I think the issue can go anyways where every post is monitored and/or censored to a free for all lynchaton (which does not happen here). If you have a lot of issues with chat maybe you would want to try posting and going to lots of different groups. It may be that only the message board part of this group works for you. I do know that the meetings here are consistently monitored and managed but I think it would be a tall order to find enough volunteers to manage the chat room 24/7. They are volunteers after all rather than people who have a lifetime task of monitoring the publc space. I have been in groups where the chat room was a total disaster and I can tell you quite categorically this one with the jokes, the certain comments is very very pale besides the kind of acting out, craziness and screamathons that can take place. If I ever came across that again I know where I would go the door but that says more about my boundaries these days than how they were when screamthons, actingout and craziness were indeed the norm.
I know of tons of them (on yahoogropus, on msn and other sources on various addictions and the cross talk issue is far less there when only one person talks at a time. At different times in recovery we need different things. Who am I to tell people not to joke and mess around when I can go someplace else and get my needs met. That for me is the incredible choice involved in being on the internet I have lots of choices about where to go, who to deal with and how to proceed on my many many issues. I have done the herculearn task of trying to get meetings to meet my needs and make changes. I have to say it did not work for me and I ended up with huge resentments that my needs and concerns were not being taken care of.
So for now, for me, I have to make do with what is out there rather than re-make the world. I have found that paradoxical issue works for me, I do not expect to get all my needs met any one place in fact I expect my needs not to be met and I go to several sources to have a back up. Personally for me I have to juggle my many issues over many many groups and try to make the best of it and not get into finding issues with groups where things do not necessarily run smoothly. If one part of a group's process does not work for me I have to look at my needs and work on getting my needs met rather than feeling I have to fix the whole world and necessarily change a group (which is a huge undertaking at the best of times nevermind when you are feeling needy). My needs, my self care are the most important thing for me these days and until I can address them I am not taking on any more tasks at this time.
so here goes the fingers ! 
Your sister in RECOVERY