The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I was gonna try to go in order with my story and try to relay my history with addiction. But me and my fiancee, my ah, are having some strife.
A little back story that I plan to elaborate on in a later post is this. Roughly a year ago she decided to separate and leave me and take our kids to our homestate and away from my parents. To make that story a bit short, we reconciled about 5 or 6 months later, after she slept with a bunch of guys and lied to me about having any relations with them. I snooped and found out she was lying. She admitted that she did only after I told her I knew.
Currently she is 65 days sober. She relapsed before those 65 days and threw 120ish days of sobriety out the window. Such is life, that is to be expected when someone has been a lush for 15+ years.
She did not get sober because of legal reasons. She claims she realized she was an alcoholic and needed rehab and aa after our reconciliation and losing a job.
Her sobriety has made her a more pleasant person overall. But I am having issues. Lately, pretty much right after reconciliation, i have been insecure. I worry, doubt, and fear she does not really love me or want to be with me or even finds me attractive. We argue about these things a lot when my insecurities rear their ugly head.
My insecurities are very predictable. Usually they come on when we are celibate for more than a week. And she has never been one to show much affection although she has been trying to work on that. But after having a drunken promiscuous past with many many men, and sleeping with a handful of guys during our separation, and being molested/raped as a child, she feels unworthy of affection and disgusted with herself. Which means that any sexual desires I have go unresolved. Couple this with her lack of ability to show affection, and our separation and her reason for leaving was because "she just wants to sleep with as many guys as she can" the lack of sex more than spurs my insecurities it puts any fears, doubts, and worry I have on the front burner with the heat on high.
Today she said, "we need to learn to be friends again before she will feel comfortable"... nothing like being friendzoned by someone who is supposed to be my life partner. Part of me wants to leave this mess of a relationship and sort out what were gonna do with our kids. A bigger part of me wants to stay and try to make it work since she finally quit drinking after more than a decade of my pleading to stop. Especially because I want to offer my children a life where their mother and father stay together to beat all odds. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel selfish and childish for wanting sex more than I ever have before in our relationship. And all I am told is she needs to be selfish for her recovery, or that she doesn't feel comfortable, or that she is trying to get better at having sober sex.... bah.. so frustrated and at my waist end.
Living with the disease can easily throw anyone off balance and foster insecurities. I have learned to continually work on my own securities as much as possible through Alanon so that I can grow my own self-validation and rely less on others, Building and rebuilding trust , for me, means collecting evidence over time. When I start having enough evidence, I can trust more freely. I remind myself that I'm not in control of the future and there are no guarantees... I only have the moment and a choice in this moment, and a choice in each moment as they come.
I have been told many things that felt hurtful. I do my best to not cling to the words, but rather, focus on what I am going to do about things and observe what the other person does with things. Actions are more important than the words.
When it comes to physical intimacy, when he has checked out, I know I am powerless over that too.That would not be my side of the street or my issue.I can't help resolve his fears, I can only be the best version of me.
A's need to put their program first because their life depends on it. I understand they're often told not to have romantic relationships until they start having the AA principles down better. My exAh had parroted it back to me where we couldn't have a relationship... Today, a member pointed out to me that if my A's main focus and heart's desire is alcohol, then I am not that.
One day at a time with striving to keep the focus on myself.
Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to s a n I t y. That is my 2nd step, the 2nd step of our twelve. The last word of this step became at first mysterious to me and then it became my mental, emotional, spiritual goal.
I understand where you are at and what you are going thru as I have been there myself and was there for a long time. I also can go back there easily when I consider where I came from in this disease from birth. "...it affect the mind, body, spirit and emotions" was what I was told and then taught in early program. We use to read the AMA definition of alcoholism before each and every meeting...thank you HP and the AFG. How else would I come to understand until I accepted this condition within myself.
I learned many things such as the difference between love and sex and how to be married to my friend and how to love her (love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are) before, during and without intercourse.
I had to wander around mired in my fears and false impressions and wants and needs and misconceptions for a long time yet with a wide open mind to arrive at the center of my understanding today. My Alcoholic/Addict had to be allowed to be the perfectly acceptable child of God that God accepted her to be and yes I could leave at any time.
Step 2 is a journey and I will remain on it as it is better than when I try to take it alone and without the program and my HP. (((((Hugs)))))
The AA Big Book uses the words: "emotional sobriety". In Alanon we say:- serenity. Exactly the same thing. Me and my SO are past middle age- so things have changed again. Having a sense of humour and a sense of the moment is worth considering here! ...
I achieved a significant change from the last generation to this. I did want to change the world and change others. And this was an interesting process. My goal was to be able to lead by example. Step 12. A great motivator, and most worthwhile. Getting there was challenging. Seemed impossible at times. And seemed to take forever!
Even at my age I have rampant sexuality! [ Sexuality, and nurturing, may well be the seat of the emotions!] I have moved past the shame culture, and the silent culture of the past generation. I have good set of boundaries- through finding the company of like minded people in recovery. Being honest, and emotionally honest too. The art of the possible- found in the serenity prayer... ...
For me and my sanity, after endless efforts to understand, control, change, etc. another person (with this disease) my only working solution has been active Al-Anon recovery. For every waking thought I had about how miserable I was, how awful they were, how the past and present were destroying me and my dreams, I became more unhealthy to the point of the insanity that this program talks about.
Alcoholism is a disease of which we are powerless and there is no cure. It's considered a family disease because it sucks in most who love or live with an alcoholic. As long as I remained focused on the actions, words, deeds, etc. of others, I was trapped in the grips of the disease. When I began to attend meetings, practice suggestions, work with a sponsor and surround myself with healthier people, thoughts and ideas, my path/journey became healthier. As my mind and spirit got healthier, healthy choices got easier.
The answers for me never come from what others are doing but instead what I am doing. Before recovery (BR), my emotions were based on outside people, places, events and things. In recovery, I know my serenity and joy are a by-product of right living - my own, not anyone else's. Based solely on what you share about your A, she is doing exactly what is suggested in AA. She is putting herself and her program first. We suggest the exact same thing - focus on self, put self first and personal recovery.
On the subject of sexual intimacy, I can tell you (as a gal) that sober sex scared the @^$& out of me....I had never been intimate with anyone without the crutch of mind-altering substances. I was fully aware that my moral compass was severely broken when the disease was active and that weighed heavy on my mind also as the fog cleared from years of mind-altering and mood-altering substances. One doesn't get sober, and then feel 'normal' in 30, 60, 90, xxx days....it takes what it takes. There is no perfect path for recovery for anyone, the A or the Al-Anon. The best gift you can give to you and your A is low/no expectations, personal recovery and one day at a time approach to life.
I do hear you completely and fully understand the vent and frustration. Only you can decide if recovery is for you, if she's worth working with/for and how willing you are to accept life on life's terms. Loving an A is no easy feat and certainly is not for the faint of heart. I am grateful for those who stuck with me for the past 32 years and have no ill-will or resentment towards those who didn't/couldn't. Alcoholism is a progressive, destructive, life-long disease for which the best course of treatment is abstinence and some type of recovery program/support.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
IAH, Sister that is a sponsor session for me as it catches so much if not all I had to also listen to and hear and then study from different same sources. Mahalo for the response to Happy Toe...My toe got happy with it also. LOL ((((hugs))))
Reconciling
Expectations were a huge part of my downfall in a relationship.with an alcoholic. This specific alcoholic addict never got sober. Nevertheless I.got drawn back in so many times. Much.of that was about the pain.and chaos of separating
I know the now exA set off a lot of triggers for me. Many of them were unresolved needs from my.childhood. Working a program and getting a sponsor helped enormously
I know I really had bo idea what the ex A experienced in his background. He had an extraordinary enmeshed relationship.with his mother.
Sorting all that out takes time. I can say the more I work.a program the better it is for me. I have to focus on myself. I can definitely empathize with others. Being in the program now I know I.am triggered when I find myself thinking I know what is best for others
This group is particularly helpful but going to meetings us extremely helpful
So is getting a sponsor
The more suggestions from al.anon you can adopt the better. The more tools you mb embrace the less chaos there is in your life. Less chaos means more clarity
Maresie
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