The material presented
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Haven't been on in a long time. Life has been so busy and I'm coming up on some bigger changes. Some will be good but there's bad things that will change....Like my husbands alcoholism. It's going to get worse. He's been on sick leave for almost a month due to a detached retina. But last winter he decided he's ready to retire. That's great,he deserves it. He's put close to 40 years in. He's been a great provider,devoted to his job and also his beer. Which always brings me here. He wakes up thinking about when he can sneak in a can of his 25 ouncer and how many he can drink before he thinks I'll notice. Even with a detached retina and his discharge nurse telling him he had to stop drinking because his blood pressure sky rocketed during his surgery. But getting up in a few weeks and not having to go to work he'll drink his breakfast as fast as he can on a daily basis not just during this recovering time or a day off. Not that I don't doubt for a second he drank his way to work,probably snuck out to his car for a beer or two or three at lunch then drank his way home.....a 2 hour drive. I'm taking a little vacation about 2 weeks before he officially retires. Can't wait to hang out with a friend and make some new ones. We're not sure if he'll be able to go back to work for a few weeks but he's hoping he can...so am I,just for the break. I'm so use to being on my own for a few hours most days. But I'm calling this our last phase of our life. It should be good and I'm sure at times it will be but I'm almost certain I'll watch his health go from bad to worse. The grandsons will enjoy taking his cans back for deposit,they'll be more of them. Someone may as well get something out of it.
I started working with a therapist a few months ago because of my mother and the way she is with me but that's a different can of worms,but also I'm afraid I'll not have any sympathy for my ah when his health becomes worse for him. I'm going to have to be his care giver. Watch him become worse,watch what his kids and grand kids go through while they watch him get sicker. It's his own doing and I just don't have sympathy for what I call his self inflicted illness. He was warned by his nurse what a stroke can do to a person. I've worked with stroke patients and it's a rough road. I keep thinking I'd rather he die from a heart attack then live with the complications of a debilitating stroke.
{{{pixie}}}. So glad you stopped in. I completely sympathize with watching someone you love destroy themself. This is one of the main problems in my almost 28 year marriage . I was stuck in deep depression and lost myself until I came to program. The tools it has given me teaches me I can enjoy my life in spite of what my A is doing. I can only encourage you to get involved with alanon for yourself. It can make a world of difference. Hugs, Lyne
((((pixie)))))
I don't have ESH on this, but I wanted you to know I hear your pain and difficulty. Thank goodness there is this program to help us deal, right? You are in the right place!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Please be gentle with yourself it's HARD to watch our loved ones self-destruct.
For me, it becomes so painful that I often numb-out... seek compassion for myself and him, and pray. I'm so glad you have a vacation to restore. I hope you carve time to schedule and take frequent breaks to do things that you love and make you happy to weave throughout caring for your husband.
Hello Pixie. While our stories may not be identical, I can certainly relate to watching my beloved A's health quickly / slowly deteriorate. Changes in his physical stamina and agility; changes in his mental capacity and processing; changes to our social life. It is so, so, so hard to watch and not want to burst into action on how to "get him" to care about it all!
I don't have any ESH other than it's One Day at A Time and to focus on yourself as much as possible. I do know that nagging, pleading, reasoning, presenting facts, being sarcastic about his choices, shaming him, coddling him, etc.,....all of it...makes NOT ONE BIT OF DIFFERENCE. We have no choice but to let our loved ones know that we are concerned and then do what we can to work on our own lives. Hard to do when our lives are so meshed, but little by little I detach from what he does or doesn't do. Little by little I am honest with the people I trust. I pray to my HP for strength and patience and guidance. Some days, all I do is pray.....and it makes a difference for me.
I am doing super, thank you. Life is wonderful! I am so grateful. Life is always busy, and we still have to enjoy it, every single day. I've always felt if I am healthy, doing what I am supposed to be doing, doing the work...then the bigger changes coming aren't so big, and don't really need to impact me in a way other than I am prepared for and willing to handle.
Yes, alcoholism, untreated, gets worse. Period. Untreated -- sans one or more of detox, rehab, AA and living a life of recovery -- the latter being mandatory. When someone says to me he's a great guy, the best dad, etc. -- but his drinking is a problem, I get it. I really do. It's either the truth or denial. It's either OK or it's not. It's either a person's choice or burden.
Your "last phase in life" can be whatever you want it to be. It doesn't have to be good and bad unless you choose that. You keep doing what you need to do, and you will be fine.
So much is the alcoholic's "doing" -- but the impact of this disease on us is that very, very often WE have to deal with the fall-out, the after-math, the byproduct of THEIR DRINKING. But for some of us that is the choice we make. And that's OK, that's a good thing.
Go to meetings. Work with your sponsor. Take care of and focus on YOU. All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Welcome back Pixie - glad you returned and shared. I am still with my spouse and he's got some significant health issues. He also retired 4 years ago, and I too was fearful that his disease would take hold and be the demise of him. I am grateful that I had enough recovery and recovery support to go back to the basics of this program - working the steps, focusing on me, having my own plans/fun, prayer/meditation, etc.
My AH has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents and triple by-pass surgery. This was all before hie retired, and he has made some life changes that were recommended/suggested. For the first few years after his surgery, I really had fear that he would not wake in the AM. It was not a fun place to be for me - and no picnic for him either.
As our program suggests, I really had to let it go. He would either live or die, he would either drink or not, he would practice healthy choices or not, etc. I actually used the 12 steps on his heart disease much as I did on his addiction disease. The best tool I got as you embrace retirement time with both of you together and lack of structure is simply, take one day at a time. It certainly helped me! I plan one day at a time what I need to do for me, the home, the family and add in things I enjoy too.
I also created a 'man cave' - a place for him to go and do what he wants/needs to do. It's got a big screen TV, a putting area (we are golfers), a mini fridge, a recliner and a place to sleep should he decide to do so. This was the best thing every as we both have our own space to chill out, watch TV, etc. when desired. The Serenity Prayer gave me the direction I needed to adequately prepare for this chapter in our life/marriage. I focused to change that which I could, mostly me, my projection, my fears, etc.
Breathe and be gentle with you. Most of my projections were negative in nature and have not been my reality. While my AH is not in recovery, he does drink less than before and has mellowed with retirement, age, etc. I am very grateful for our happy times and experiences and can detach when needed. This is a direct result of working on me, with 12 Step recovery and a sponsor. Keep coming back - it does work when we work it! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
