The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter and her fiancé came home yesterday. Spending quality time with them this way started dissolving my resentments. I felt it as it started to happen and continued grateful for each moment of releasing.
I admit I still am processing resentment for the bullying and the bullied, but now its from more detached place.
Im so proud of my boundaries and my nos even when it doesnt feel good. Im still working on my guilt and shame for not having enough money for everyone ; even though I know these thoughts are irrational.
Watching them drive away to return to their home, stirred so many emotions. In a few short days they will be married. I feel myself prioritizing that which is truly important to me: health, serenity, happiness, joy, stability, self-awareness.
It feels better to be in this place. Im so grateful Im arriving. Thank you MIP family!!!
Love this uplifting post, bud! Thank you for sharing your growth!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi bud-I love it when members share their progress and growth. It looks good on you! I could throw in a few more slogans that come to mind that you are practicing like Let go and let God, Live and let live, Just for today, Easy does it, etc. You go girl! Lyne
Hey (((Bud))) - great on you for working on healing. I swear that it's my offspring that bring out the best and worst in me!!! Not ever intentional, it just is. My oldest is going through 'something' and has decided that he doesn't want to talk with us currently. This has been going on for about 6 weeks and while it makes me sad, I know that I am powerless over people, places and things and can only be a walking example of one who practices healthy choices, recovery, and a life of service/celebration. If it were my will, we would be like the 'Leave it to Beaver' family! However, the God of my understanding has a different plan, and I am open and willing to growth and change - even when it hurts!
Keep doing you and keep moving forward. You are worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Iamhere. ... and I am here... here with the "dreaded" lol. It's after 10pm. There is a lot of scurrying and chaos while I sit on the sofa with my laptop and disengage...trimming new shower liners, vacuuming, etc.
The other Mom said some things, and I offered nice, brief, and neutral answers. She replied that things are unfortunate for me and that things were just the way the children wanted it and how happy she was not to be stressed during this child's marriage. (she felt stressed at her youngest son's a few months ago) I didn't need to reply, as it was rhetorical. Everything was in order in her mind.
I have my HP here with me. Tomorrow I'll go to my airbnb and have the house to myself. It will be quiet and vibe peaceful energy.
Until then, I'm trying to keep my head free.... free from thoughts of the break up, the job situation, and how I am down to only 1 friend coming to support me through the wedding... anyone else seems to just think "things are unfortunate for me". I don't know. I don't feel unfortunate as I don't feel like a victim. I feel like a mom who will witness her daughter's marriage while holding hands with my HP.
Hey (((Bud))) - if it helps, I'll join you at the wedding 'across the skies'! It always helps me to remember when I am entering new space(s) that I am not alone - I do have the God of my understanding and a worldwide fellowship of friends who love me unconditionally and support me unconditionally! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy - focus on the good and you'll get to the other side! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the hug and fellowship across the skies priceless.
Focus on the good has a shaky start.... someone damaged my car while getting mani/pedis with my daughter. I'm glad it's still drivable but filing a report with the police chewed into being there for my daughter at the following appointment. Then I hit my limit around 5pm because my daughter was snapping at me all day.
I (clumsily) removed myself from the situation.... but at least I enforced my boundary. She did contact me with an apology and I reminded her that my tolerance for poor behavior is low.
Things are back on an even keel and focusing on this one second at a time.
The air bnb sounds so good Bud. Sorry to hear about your car! I will be thinking of you and your daughter over the weekend and adding caring thoughts accross the skies also.
I am sorry that your car was damaged. Stress to add on top an already stressful time. Thank goodness you have the airbnb to regroup and recharge!
I don't find you unfortunate at all, bud! But then again, some people NEED another person to "complete" them, and can't fathom anyone being happy with things just the way they are!
I will be standing next to you in solidarity come wedding time!
Sending you peaceful vibes!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
It's becoming clearer and clearer to me when confronted with other people's crazy that it has nothing to do with me there is no point in even continuing to converse as speaking to someone who is in crazy mode is not a conversation. I used to accommodate it, persuade it, correct it, try and fix it.... Thank heavens, I can choose to switch and talk about weather, disengage, or leave.
When my thoughts start to get stuck and cycle in my head, I remind myself that there is no point in trying to figure out some one's crazy it's not going to make sense no matter how long I ponder their actions and words. Keep it simple, Bud. I look forward to my new depth of conviction to serve me better.
Last night, I found out my daughter and her fiancé will spend the next week in the State/ location where they really wanted to have their wedding. I'm happy my daughter will have this.
It seems she has also come to realize that trying to please her MIL creates overwhelming and unreasonable stress. Going forward, I can see she already is figuring out ways to more readily detach from her MIL's demands and chaos. She's going to have a LOT of practice opportunities, for sure. I'm relieved she no longer sees sickness as an aspiring healthy normal.
Thank you PosesandPuppies and I thought an airbnb over a hotel would lend flexibility and a more peaceful vibe. I appreciate your support regarding the "unfortunate" comment. It's the same thing as her saying, "I got everything my way and it's unfortunate that it makes you unhappy. Everything I wanted, the children wanted too they now have everything exactly the way they wanted it." You are right, PnP, it is the only way she fathoms things. I can forgive missteps it is just another brand of distortion. I have also come to realize that she is a very unhappy person (regardless if almost everything is her way).
I'm truly grateful for everyone's support especially during this major life event and transition. I feel blessed and am grateful.
(((Bud))) - boy....that does suck about your car! I am glad it's still functional and that you were able to report it. Timing does suck too but the reality is there's never a good time for another to whack my car....urgh!!! Just keep breathing and hold tight to the 'Bless Them, Change Me' mantra (abbreviated serenity prayer for me when others are in my face/space)!! You will get through this and probably with more grace than you know because you've got a program, HP and support!
You raise a great point too - I have watched others who just don't know how to find their joy. They want, want, want, and are given what they want and it's still 'not enough'....my sponsor tells me that I must just detach and pray for them to find their way to happiness. This does help diffuse my tendency to obsess/want to fix them a ton! It even works for my boys/family!
Keep doing you, one second at a time and trust your program! You got this!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I keep turning my resentment over to my HP and keep refocusing on my side of the street.
Last night was the rehearsal dinner and welcome party. Nearly all of the guests showed up to the welcome party and it was nice to see so many people having a good time. A few of the fiance's relatives are particularly warm and it felt good (easier to relax when there's no demands or expectations/ stress also, I think they genuinely like me and are more accepting in general).
My bff noted the disparity of the grooms side was evident and validated my feelings. Ironically, the groom's family speeches mentioned it too that 90% the guests present are their family... how well my daughter fit into their family. (For them, this wedding is not a blending of families.)
I am grateful for my HP standing next to me, holding my hand and blanketing me with all things good.
In a few short hours, the day starts with hair and rolls right into getting ready at the wedding venue.
I'm grateful for my HP being with me afterwards when the party is over and I'm back at my airBnB alone. I imagine I'll sleep well.
Sunday is a picnic brunch and then I depart for home.
I'm grateful to have my MIP with me in spirit. It feels good to not feel so alone.
(((bud))) - I am still with you in spirit! That's awesome that you were able to find some in the family that were warm/welcoming. I have no doubt that today will be a lovely day, and you'll get to witness your daughter start her marriage. How awesome and special. Consider if they are proud and excited to have your daughter join 'their family', you get partial credit for being an awesome mom showing her how to be a lovely woman!!!
Just for giggles, my son's (not married) fiance's family is very, very different than ours. We are hands off, talk when necessary, see them when possible, etc. They are real close - so close that there are no boundaries (show up at any time on any day without notice), multiple conversations each day, join each other for doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, etc. Over the years they've been together, my son finally understands that all families are different and most have some level of dysfunction/insanity...he has recently even found a bit of gratitude for the boundaries we have since they not only show up unexpected, they just walk in (they all have keys, I declined)...
So - be you, do you, trust you and enjoy every moment! Cherish the memories being made and focus on what's awesome, special and new! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh, IamHere I so get the interdependent differences you mention!
Yes, and thank you at first I did consider it was just how happy the family was to have my daughter in their fold. However, they actually told her they outnumbered her wishes with a bigger vote and going forward this is something she needs to submit to. This is why I cringe every time I hear them say she's part of their family and how well she fits in... there is an implied "and" ... "and do things our way, regardless of whatever it is you do or don't want because this is what it means to be in our family and if you don't like it, that's unfortunate."
Well.... she's married!
She was a beautiful bride (I know I'm partial ) It warmed my soul to see her so happy!
It was a happy event and I was able to enjoy myself and I'm so grateful for the support that made this happen. I saw a lot and kept to my side of the street and what people did or didn't think was none of my business. Likewise, if what someone else was doing was odd but not harmful, I considered it none of my business either... and I gave myself permission to walk away from things that didn't feel good.
I didn't sleep a wink last night. It will be a lot of coffee on the hours journey back home later today.
And then... time to make more happiness for myself, however this will unfold...
(((Bud))) - pat yourself on the back - you made it! Be safe as you travel home and just keep leaning in....it's the place I find my peace and joy always! So, so glad that your soul was warmed by your daughter's beauty as well as her joy. Made my heart smile to see your update and hear that it was a success and you made it to the other side! Keep doing you sister, safe travels home today! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
