The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been to Alanon 3 times in person so far, and also seeing a counselor to deal with my husbands addiction issues. He is a binge drinking alcoholic who was long term sober for 3 years up until this year. He saw a counselor for a while and it really helped but at some point he thought he was fine and stopped seeing him. In January I found out he had been drinking again and has relapsed almost every month to the day ever since. I am in a constant cycle of coming home to find him drunk, emotional pleas of needing help and admitting he has a problem, later denying he needs any help and can just quit, anger, telling me everything is great, lies, manipulation, rinse repeat. I have been working on boundaries but I am still unsure of how that looks in my life and what it all means. After this most recent relapse at the suggestion of my counselor I told my husband he needed to tell his parents whats been going on and that I would no longer keep his secret for him. He followed through and told them. His mom is planning to have a talk with him and I was hopeful that might carry some weight but he has a very complicated relationship with his parents and while intoxicated he blames everything on them. I am now feeling dreadful for when this conversation happens because we all know it isnt going to go well, he will respond in anger and I can predict most of it will directed toward me for forcing him to tell them. I also decided to tell my family what has been going on we have been together 10 years and his alcoholism has been the 3rd person in our relationship the whole time. My family has never known. They only knew we both stopped drinking 3 years ago. (I quit as well to support him) I thought if Im making him live his truth I need to live mine. So I had the conversations, my family is extremely supportive, kind and understanding, both of my parents have alcoholic mothers. So they get it, but now I worried maybe they understand too much. My dad is worrying about me, my mom, god bless her wont stop making helpful suggestions and my brother gives me his sad concerned big brother look, my sister in law wants have an intervention. It felt good to tell them. But now when they look at me I see it in their faces... pity... sadness. The lets do something about this look. I havent told my husband that they know. Im left wondering did I do the right thing? Did everyone need to know? I felt it was right at the time but now... I just dont know, and what no one gets is I am the only one that deals with the fallout. I am in the eye of the storm.
In my experience, it was right to tell people who could be supportive. And it sounds like your families are being supportive in the best way they know how, although it is tough to get advice we didn't ask for, or to feel that they are pitying us. I don't know, but maybe that is a small price to pay in exchange for knowing people are on your side and will be there for you if things get even more difficult.
I hope you will continue attending Al-Anon and work with a sponsor. Al-Anon helped me gradually grow stronger so I felt more confident in my decisions, based on self-care for me, and not what I thought others thought I should do.
Opening up this secret is hard emotional work -- it was for me -- so I hope you will be gentle with yourself.
Welcome Annie B. I know all too well the roller coaster ride you are on. It did a great deal of damage to me, because I waited years to get involved in alanon. I thought I could fix things myself. Well I not only couldnt fix things, but as time went on I became sick also. My life revolved around waiting for my spouse to do the things I wanted done. I was treated with lies, sneaking around, not coming home, and being accused of being crazy myself. I just wanted the drinking to end.
I have over six years in alanon, Im still with my spouse of 28 years, and although my spouse does not embrace help with the enthusiasm I do, I am getting better! I have a calmer, more sane, happier experience with my life now, and some of it has changed the marriage for the better. I do go to a F2F meeting weekly, worked with a sponsor closely for several years, try to write on the board daily, and have found people who understand my life.
I can only encourage you to get involved as much as you can with this program, and remember, its for you! And you need patience and practice with the things you will be learning. Nothing will change overnight but you can have a much better life with or without your A. Hugs, Lyne
It's more of a matter of that you're supported over being right or wrong. That said, I have found my ultimate support in the rooms where people do know what I'm experiencing without me needing to explain. In my experience, even well-intended loved ones can't understand something this intense not having any exposure to it.
The more I work the program, the less people looked at me with pity... could also be because I do not allow myself to stay in "victim mode" for too long, as I know life goes better when I am in my solution. When it becomes evident, I can direct people how it's helpful for me to receive support.
Glad you are here
I.cane here 10 years ago when I was in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic. That relationship lasted 7 years which is the longest relationship I have ever had
I was in turmoil
I found acceptance, love and understanding and most of all ni judgement
There are tools that the program has to offer. One is detachment. Detachment is a tough one. In theory you are going into.detachment trying to lift a 300 kg weight first off. Be patient be kind for some of us detachment is an ongoing skill.
Patience is a key issue in al.anon. Patience and being willing. That relationship was a turning point for me because it brought me down to a new level.
There are other tools we talk about in al.anon one being to focus on ourselves. I do that now religiously. In fact when I.an going through a hard time which is periodic for most of us I.go into high self care mode. I.am sure self xars had fallen off your list of things that are important to you
Welcome to this group it is a wonderful place to be to learn new skills and grow as a person
Maresie
Hi.... to my way of thinking, if you checked your motives, and acted in the best interest of you and your recovery, need for emotional support, etc., then yes - you did the right thing. It is seldom the 'right thing' if you are doing something in an attempt to hurt or punish your A, but this doesn't seem the case at all here.
Keep coming back, and keep working on you
Hugs
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you all for you kind words and support, I have done a lot of thinking about what everyone has said. I am feeling more comfortable in my decision. I do now understand it is less about right and wrong and more about what is best for me. I think everything being out in the open is what works for me. I chose to tell my family and I thats now where I am at. I think for so long I let my husbands shame about our situation trickle into my mind and I dont want to feel that way anymore. This is whats going on and I like having a lot of support even if it may take my family a little while to get on the same page with me.
It is very hard, difficult, to make decisions such as this -- especially when you are a newcomer/beginner to alanon. For many reasons, one of the suggestions in alanon is to not make any major decisions for 6 months. Of course major is a relative term, LOL. Another thing said in alanon is never create a crisis for someone else, and never prevent one for someone else. While you don't have to keep his secret -- that doesn't mean you have to tell or have him tell. You can answer a question, and let others learn on their own, ask their own questions of someone else, you can be truthful in the moment...but not tell the entire truth revealing everything.
Being a newcomer/beginner there is a lot to learn about making healthy decisions. When the body of experience expands, one can and will make better, more effective, healthier decisions. When wisdom expands -- both your own and that you gain from others -- the same can occur, better, healthier, more effective, etc., decisions can and will be made. We learn, and grow, and get better every day.
Find a sponsor. Start doing the work with him/her. Your recovery, your getting better, getting healthy, will progress exponentially. All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
