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Hello MIP! Today's Reading in Today's Hope is about un-abling.
The author shares that it is not helping their child if they do things for him or her that he or she can and should do for themself. By diminishing expectations for the child, the author is diminishing the child's capabilities.
Un-abling means, to the author, that the author is helping their child become unable to manage their task - or their life - on their own. It is crossing boundaries, reducing responsibilities, removing consequences. It prevents the child from learning about the realities of life.
The author shares that they are not the one who will leap to the child's rescue, but rather the one who will help the child get the help they need so that the child can help themself.
Today's reminder: I no longer live in fear, wondering what new disaster might accompany each rising sun. I have joy, peace, and friendship in my life.
Today's quote: When I slow down, take a breath and use rigorous, but gentle honesty with myself, I start to see the truth.
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I thought today's share about un-abling (what I often hear of as enabling) was interesting. While I don't have children myself, the parts about un-abling, until the alcoholic becomes unable to deal with their own life does ring true to how I operated in my relationship with my alcoholic wife, until I was too burnt out and hopeless to continue.
Like the author, I now try to determine what my wife ought to do for herself, and I try not to "protect" her from the realities and responsibilities of life. The take on this, as actively un-abling an alcoholic, is new to me, but definitely something to think about when I am tempted to jump in and solve problems for her.
This week I'm back in my beloved woods, enjoying the peace, cooler temperatures, and hints of fall. I hope you make today a great day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily! Happy for you that you're back in the woods with the cooler temperatures and peace! There's just something about nature that brings me serenity and I am awestruck at the gift we've been given to enjoy from a power greater than us - for no cost other than respect.
Unabling is an interest concept. There is no doubt that I did for my kids way too much for way too long, and as adults today - I can see the lack of maturity. This disease brings about it's own contribution to both enabling and unabling and I am reminded that I treat others how to treat me. When I began to get saner, healthier and imposed boundaries with my 'people', it definitely felt painful, uncomfortable and there was back-lash. However, today, I can see value in focusing on me, allowing others to be/do what they want/need to and to stop 'saving the day'...
I believe one of the greatest gifts of recovery was the ability to resign from the manager role in the lives of others, and to retire from the 'Fix-It Patrol'. Happy Hump Day MIP family!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is a very timely topic and I find myself currently implementing it. This reminder helps me take action or non-action from a place of love and for the greater good of both of us.
Good morning Skorpi, Thanks for sharing on his important topic I know i have been guilty of enabling and it was with great difficulty that i picked up different tools Thanks for your service
Thanks for your service Skorpi. Guilty of enabling, in a major way prior to program, and now I occasionally slip back briefly. I need program daily to keep myself on track. After 28 years with my A, it is so easy to return to old, dysfunctional behaviors of mine. It just happens and fortunately I recognize it now. Just this morning I told her how the steps have helped me move forward as a human being, instead of telling her that she needs to complete that task. Its a different world, thanks to alanon, and a much better life for me. Lyne
Thank you Skorpi for your service. You are very fortunate to be enjoying the woods w/cooler temps and even signs from Autumn!! Here in SoCal, Autumn is just more index heat! When I was a kid, we actually had the actual season (well as much as SoCal could). Now it's pretty much non-existent. I just loved Iamhere's sentence about nature - "...I am awestruck at the gift we've been given to enjoy from a power greater than us - for no cost other than respect."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was guilty of being "that mom." Since my kid had a learning "disability" when he was younger, I helped him whenever I could - although with the intent that I gave him tools to do the things he needed himself. I felt it was my job/role/duty. I think it was around 4th or 5th grade (around the time of my first venture into Al-Anon) that I realized that my love was actually going to stunt his maturity!! Color me shocked! That was when I began my research into what this type of parenting style did to kids as they grew older. It was a true eye-opener. Then and there, I began to slowly & actively withdraw that type of support/parenting. I then found out it was very, very hard... FOR ME!!! I liked to manage him... I liked the feeling of control (probably b/c my life was so out of control w/ my spouse)!!! So it was an ongoing process with each year as he aged.
During his high school years, he suffered with anxiety and depression... about the same time as his father's alcohol use became unbearable for me - imagine that! So I had to re-learn yet again...b/c I could not leave him to his own devices... he needed intervention/help. However, this time I got the professional help and did my best to step aside. Today he 19 years old (Happy BDay)... a young man on his way in the world! Still not completely self-sufficient as he shows me almost daily! LOL! I have said my private amends - this was between me and my HP, since I did not want my son to feel that there was something "wrong" about him.
So I guess that was a long-winded way to say that I really, really identified with today's topic! LOL! I am employing un-abling every day.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
That was when I began my research into what this type of parenting style did to kids as they grew older. It was a true eye-opener. Then and there, I began to slowly & actively withdraw that type of support/parenting. I then found out it was very, very hard... FOR ME!!! I 
I have said my private amends - this was between me and my HP, since I did not want my son to feel that there was something "wrong" about him.
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