The material presented
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HA! Who knew that I would need a tool kit for my daughter's wedding in a few weeks!
It has been a year of "stuff" from her future in-laws that she tried so hard to dump on me.
It has been a year of growth for me and quite a bit of growing pains as I bloom more into my authenticity. ... as I say "no" if something doesn't feel good. It's so hard at times. However, I must be ready because the pain of staying where I was was greater than the pain of growth.
We all have quirks... but I first realized how much "trouble" was developing when I hosted their large family for 5 days of Thanksgiving last year. At the end of my cooking, hosting, etc. I was presented with a "Thanksgiving bill" from the future inlays. I mean it. They demanded I pay them money for things I did not want or ask them to do around my house. I even had told them so much and they were invasive and ignored me. It seems that I've had too much of my life spent feeling invisible with no voice. (TRIGGER much!!!) I turned the bill over to my daughter and the problem over to HP.
Since the moment the children were engaged, the insanity started blossoming uncontrollably...
My daughter bought into the future family's bill of goods that has her catering to the tunes of insanity. Accepting the future family's insanity serves as a poison that grows and spreads.
I am still processing resentments from having gone a year with my daughter asking me to pay for the wedding but not wanting me to invite a single guest. I had to let her know that I couldn't process my resentment and didn't know that I'd be attending her wedding. She cried and said she already would be looking out to a roomful of people she didn't know at her own wedding. When she had approached her fiancé, he told her that she was marrying him and this meant that she would have to consider his family with her decisions.
When I heard him complain that his family wasn't being considered, I stepped in, " The wedding that is both of yours is in the state your family wanted, at the place your family wanted, with the food your family wanted. 90% of the people coming are your family. We agreed in the beginning there is a limit to the number of people because both of you said you wanted a small wedding. Where do you think from this that your family wasn't considered?"
Eventually, she took my encouragement to attend pre-marital counseling with her fiancé. Communication is improving between her and her fiancé where his mom is not running all aspects of her marriage and lives... this will be a continued work in progress...
So, I was able to invite 2 friends. There will be a room full of people I do not know. I will give a mother of bride speech to a sea of unfamiliar faces and this doesn't feel good.
I was also recently asked to contribute more money that will pay for guest beverages that can get quite pricey. I want my daughter to be happy, but I don't want to do this and feel further resentment.
Bud, I bet you have what you need in your toolbox: Serenity Prayer, Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God, Keep your head over your feet, lean on HP and MIP, etc. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a F2F group?
I have had a situation with my son and his family vs my A for over two years. Both sides dont speak and I am in the middle. I have tried to resolve this situation in several dozen ways from therapy together to practically begging. This effects every holiday that we used to celebrate together. I have an 8 yr old granddaughter who is confused by this. I have learned to stop trying to force solutions. I do what I need to do for myself and take ODAT. I truly am powerless over people. Spend the money that feels right to you. Do whats best for you. I understand its your daughters wedding day but from what you say she is marrying into insanity. You cant change that! Sorry, Lyne
Wow, bud... just WOW!
I can't believe that the in-laws handed you a bill of service! Who does that? Odd.
I just wanted to tell you "GREAT JOB!" on standing for your truth with the soon-to-be son-in-law!! That probably took guts. I am glad they went for pre-marital counseling... it can help... but speaking from experience here - it doesn't last long unless attended to. I think your daughter is in for a wild ride with the in-laws. You will indeed need your toolbox to be a non-judgmental, supportive mom! But you got this!
Just my 2 cents here - When giving your speech, make sure you are looking directly at your daughter. Don't concentrate on the sea of people you don't know...when practicing your speech, visualize seeing only your loving daughter - who at that moment is incredibly happy and excited, but also experiencing one of the most stressful days and may have already had to make some concessions on her part for that family she is marrying into!
Since you asked, my thoughts on the extra money: "You know I would love to contribute more if I could. However, I have already budgeted what we agreed upon, and I cannot afford more." I understand you may feel some pressure and maybe even a little back-lash regarding this... but in reality, it is your truth. There is nothing wrong with that. There truly is no reason to feel guilty for not contributing more. Heck, I wouldn't even want to! I actually find it a little galling that they would ask, since 90% of the guests are from their side of the family. But it sounds like they will push boundaries hoping that they can bend or break them!
Stand strong, sista!!
&
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I have way less resentment if I just stick to my side of the street and mind my own business. Your daughter's marriage will be her business and what it's like same deal.
My oldest has a boyfriend who I do not care for .. however it's not my choice. I hope and pray that things just fall apart at some point however .. who knows. 18 months and to let you know how utterly stubborn I am I have yet to meet him, that's not true the little troll skirted away from me because he's a fool when I met him strike one right there .. there's a whole lot of drama attached to this child and I do NOT like him in the least. Big mental health issues that I have grave concern about.
Anyway, again .. not my business. So lots of not my circus and remembering that it's not my job to draw a line from A to B for others to see there might be a train wreck in the making.
Big hugs, S :)
PS - I bet your daughter will make a beautiful bride. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sounds like a great opportunity to load up your tool kit, and practice your program, all the while remembering that this is her (and her fiancé's) wedding to plan, not yours.
You have so many good tools in your kit, Bud - you go this!
Hugs,
Tom
One Day at a Time (or one hour, or one minute)
Easy Does It
How Important is it?
Serenity Prayer
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have to say Bud that if a guest in my home presented me with a bill for unrequested services rendered, I would probably have generated one for nightly stays, meals, cleaning, tips, etc. I can answer crazy with dignity, respect and equality all day long, thanks to the tools of this program.
I am sorry that you're sucked into all this! I have boys so can't relate to the 'mother of the bride' feelings...but I do know that when it comes to OPM (Other People's Money), my boys have no issues with spending mine, asking for more and assuming all are gifts vs. loans. If there were ever a time when No was a complete sentence, it rings true after I read your share. Even with my family, JADE gets me nothing but blow-back.
You do work a great program and when I am faced with large events and fear, I always take my HP with me and remind myself over and over that it's really not about me. I have attended many things as an act of service to one I love and when HP is present, I am able to 'fake it until I make it'....I am not super comfortable in large groups so I just have to remind myself why I am there - service to another.
Speak from the heart and you'll do great with your speech. Sending you tons of positive energy and prayers - you'll get thru it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Still reeling from they billed you for Thanksgiving. No way would I pay another cent. What planet do these people come from and is she sure she wants to marry into this class of people? I'd be straight with the girl in a loving way. We do marry our in-laws and it takes a certain strength to hold your own against them when they're dominating. Poor girl doesn't sound very certain of herself and I think drawing the line with those people is necessary. Gosh Bud, sending hugs! Good luck.
Lyne I like that one - keep my head over my feet... Sounds simple, but not easy ... I can manage it when put like that!
PosesandPuppies I know... the Thanksgiving bill story will be a crowd pleaser for years to come. LOL Thanks for the encouragement and thoughts I am baffled and when I feel baffled, I feel so grateful that the best place for me is on my side of the street that, apparently, only gets as crazy as I am willing to make it. The good news is that I can practice, practice, practice serenity and handing things to my HP.
Thank you for your unwavering support Betty!
Thank you SerenityRUS and Canadianguy - yes, you're right, only the part that has to do with me has to do with me... this is my daughter's wedding. I'm grateful you think I've got this even if I have doubts and maybe you're right.
Iamhere haha... it had crossed my mind to send a return of an even bigger bill... thanks, I will take my HP with me and I know that it is about my daughter. She is still learning about money and that is a good thing. I love the focus on speaking from my heart... this is something I know I can do!
a4l: It seems we share the same sentiments. *sigh* She is still growing up and will need to become a whole lot stronger in order to survive. I need to step out of her way so she can be successful. I am still forever present, God willing, to love her.
Bud you may be feeling a little unsure but stay with what you have learned and practiced and given away to many of us. Allow them to see a program in action and smile. Thumbs up to your HP while walking your side of the street and smile...you got this and don't tell anyone you got MIP...You got Bud and you got recovery. With you on this. ((((Hugs))))
" Bud you may be feeling a little unsure but stay with what you have learned and practiced and given away to many of us. Allow them to see a program in action and smile. Thumbs up to your HP while walking your side of the street and smile...you got this and don't tell anyone you got MIP...You got Bud and you got recovery. With you on this. ((((Hugs)))) smile"
& 
... I can manage it when put like that! 