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So .. it's been determined that my X is still in crazy land and keeps sending that train to come pick me up .. I'm very grateful for this program that I do not have to pick up the rope. I'm not sad to have missed the train, it places in me in a very weird position of observer to this. There are so many dynamics to what's going on and it's become very clear to me 1 of 2 things.
1. His wife is trying to cover for my X and is starting to get tired. There is a LOT of covering going on at the moment.
2. He's active in his disease and is inching closer to the edge. I believe he's switched it up to pain pills that are easy to obtain in the town he's in. This was one of his issues while we were together.
Neither of these two things are any of my business, except when crazy texts are going to my oldest which they are and they are deeply disturbing to him and they disturb me only because I see my eldest's distress.
Honestly, it would be so simple to push him over the edge. I will not play innocent in what is going on at the moment .. he poked and I shoved him backwards, this was not a gentle shove this is the kind that you go down kind of shove. You would think after 7 years he would learn .. do not screw with me when it comes to money that directly impacts the kids. So over it. While it I can't control his behavior I certainly can be responsible and accountable for mine. I chose to send him the receipt from our hotel in IL. Someone is going to ask or think even .. do I regret it and I do not, nor will I. I actually have my popcorn out at the moment. I never said the kids were with me I specifically stated I was in town on business .. that one statement really has had an impact, one he will not address with me. So we talk about responsibility for our choices and the fact that the other person has their own choices they are allowed to make .. I honestly did not see my X using the kids in this manner and I plan on a discussion with my oldest tonight to apologize for him being involved and putting it back on the track it was suppose to be on. MINE. This is MY stuff with the X and the kids do not need to be a part of this. This is a great opportunity for my oldest to put boundaries into practice with both his dad and myself. MY boundary is a hard boundary and that's don't screw with me or the kids, I will show you who I am.
The more to be revealed .. my X was fully aware that the kid/s were in town IF my oldest had been texting with my X. That came out close to the first day that P arrived at his destination. He was asked by my "X" if he was in the state of IL and my oldest told him yes he was however he was not sure where his brother was in the state. He was not questioned more than this. So this business about he should have told his Dad he was in town is complete BS .. I mean this is what it is to talk to an active addict. Nothing makes sense and they are so busy trying to twist who they are talking to up that they do give you time to realize what's been going on.
So he had 7 - 10 days actually to see our oldest .. and he's putting the blame on our oldest that he couldn't. So whatever is going on he's desperate for information and is absolutely freaking out because no one knows .. at least no one that he knows and I know have any knowledge on. So the business about he didn't know and so on is a cry for self pity and victimhood he continues to accept no responsibility even though "he" knew. He had time to make arrangements it was not convenient for him to do so. One thing I want my eldest to understand is no matter what or when he told his dad .. the chances of him seeing his dad were still zero .. somehow his dad would have made it the eldest's fault. That's his bottom line MO.
I should probably practice forgiveness and everything else .. today I am not there and I will not apologize for that fact. On one hand I'm ok with where I'm at and on the other I am confused because I know I should feel something and I feel nothing. I am in an apathetic place .. you know I have dark humor and joke about if my ex was on fire I wouldn't pee on him .. right this second I feel absolutely nothing to motivate me do anything except watch the fire. it's completely blank and I don't know what to do about it or if I want to do anything about it. The level of detachment should be frightening to me and yet I feel nothing. I know that is not "normal" and that does elicit concern of what if I can't get that compassion for him back. What if I stay black on this issue. What does that mean for me. I have been in this same shut down with my both of my adopted parents in different time periods. Normally it comes back .. the way my X continues to go .. I am coming to a place I am very grateful I don't live in the same state with him and ironically we will not be traveling back that direction unless it's for court.
Anwyay, .. lol .. I'm in a dark place and I'm hungry .. I will go eat and see if that helps.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When I hear myself "should", I take a step back to where I feel resistance or judgement, and usually resentment. When I hit judgement, I ask myself what that's all about and if it's true... also, if it's something that is truly on my side of the street. When I hit resentment, I know how it will destroy my serenity, so I ask myself what is the next right thing?
(((SerenityRUS))) I can relate to your share. For me the manipulation is the biggest piss off for me. Finding out that someone was manipulating me is one of my biggest triggers. I grew up in alcoholic homes myself and I always hated that feeling of not really knowing the truth or finding out the truth was different than you had always been told and feeling like a fool. If you added my protectiveness over my kid to that mix I don't know how long it would take me to come back down from an incredible rage. I always feel bad for being angry. My sponsor tells me if I'm angry to just allow it for myself. Trying to push down the anger always makes situations worse because it comes out towards other people or in backhanded ways. I like that you are acknowledging your feelings and they are messy and that's OK. Letting myself be angry is the quickest way for it to dissipate. My peace and compassion eventually come back when I'm ready.
I love your quote from Louise Hay at the bottom of your signature. I am a fan of her work and I love that quote. Makes me think of what you've shared about your X. Lessons. It's up to him to be ready to learn them. You keep the focus on yourself and take care of you and your kids.
Well, you knew More Would be Revealed, yes?
I must admit, I loved the line where you said, your Ex keeps sending the Crazy Train to pick you up, but you refuse to get on!!! Great for you!!
I believe you are 7 years post divorce, right? IMHO, it is perfectly OK to feel nothing at this point. Especially since his brand of chaos keeps being thrust into your life!!
You are going to do the right thing about the talk with your eldest about his father's gas-lighting, and then you are doing the next right thing for YOU.
All healthy steps... one foot in front of the other! Keep going!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks, .. ugh .. I don't like the slime that is continued to be thrown by him .. throw it at me I'm ok with that .. throw it at the kids not so much.
PNP we are actually 4 years out of divorce in October and the man is remarried for almost 4 years. I do not understand the need to hang on. We are 7 years outside of separation.
Having a big discussion with the eldest who is in the middle of a hard core spin at the moment and I am pretty sure all of this stuff with his dad triggered him hard. This makes me hesitate to having youngest have contact with him just because it's the issue that how good is it for his mental health if the oldest can't handle what's going on at the moment. While they are different they respond to so much the same .. my youngest is not a little angry with his dad .. it's a lot.
The involving the kids because he's to much of a chicken to deal with me directly. Probably with good reason .. lol.
I'm just going to breathe .. however I have outlined an email I plan on sending because once again he can't behave like an adult and I do need some things clarified before next month .. it looks like I'm going to have to put a lien on his home to get paid.
I'm just going to let it be what it's going to be.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
LOL .. I'm glad Temple because the sheer ridiculousness of the entire situation is absolutely hysterical!!!!
I am like seriously WTH is going on out there that he's just freaking out the way he is, the attack on my kid is completely out of line and I do have some stuff written. I will discuss with my oldest what he wants to do and we will move forward from there. I am removing my oldest from the communication between his dad and his younger brother. I think that will keep it simpler vs allowing my X to believe he runs the show.
The situation I have learned with the addiction is my X believes what I show him .. I tend to believe what he says and that is the insanity of the dance. So I do not believe what he says, I will gently move things to where they need to be. The question is how do I say so without throwing my oldest under the bus and if my X comes at him .. he will have the confidence to say what's on his mind. Up until the other day my X and this behavior was completely isolated to me. So this is a HUGE first.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
None of this is good or healthy. But thank goodness your home/life is!!! Keep being "Mama bear"... your kids will thank you when they are older!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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