The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi there, I am obviously new here and to the whole idea of Al-anon. I went to a local group (6 people) just over a year ago and attended one meeting. Decided it wasn't for me as it felt like they were implying my friend (It's complicated) was bad and needed to not be in my life (impossible). I felt uncomfortable at reading aloud from these pages and cards to a group of people I didn't know (I have social anxiety) about stuff that was making no sense. The meeting lasted about an hour ish. I left as you can tell, feeling uncomfortable, disappointed and a bit upset. I don't know if these feelings are "normal" or it was just a not so positive group. I am here looking for help again. I've downloaded an app onto my phone that I listen to every night as I'm going to bed now and it so far is full of Al-anon members doing "talks" about their experiences. (Which I am to be honest finding some of those words and experiences emotional). I don't know if I belong here but from what I've read I might, just not sure I guess. I guess I'm trying to say...help?
It is morning here, so you must be far, far away from me! But, that is what is great about online. People touching other people's lives that normally would never happen!
"Al-Anon Family Groups is a "worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem."
If you feel you are or have been affected by someone who drinks, then you "belong" here! It is a program more about YOU. As for your Face to Face (F2F) meeting, Al-Anoners tell newbie's, "Try at least 6 meetings." When I first came to the rooms, I tried 2 different Nar-Anon meetings (several times each), then moved to Al-Anon meetings (I found them much more uplifting). But not all meetings met my spiritual needs. I supplement them with this site... it is a Godsend, IMHO. I have found everyone here so accepting and kind.
We don't give advice, but we share our Experience, Strength, and Hope (ESH). The best slogan may be "Take what you like and leave the rest" - especially just starting out. My ESH is read all you can with the "Stickies." Pearls of wisdom, my friend!
Keep coming back!
Wishing you Peace today!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Pink, I am glad you are here! I love that you asked for help. For me, when I was ready to ask for help I was ready for Al-Anon.
I agree that trying several different meetings is a good idea. The one you attended might not have been a good fit. Remember, too, that you don't have to read aloud or say anything... you can say "pass" or "I'd just like to listen."
Al-Anon concepts were hard for me to accept at first -- such as that I could not change other people or control their behavior, I could only change myself. And when I heard the step about inventorying my defects (yikes, defects, aren't I suffering enough already???) -- I eventually learned that it is not about self-punishment but about self-understanding and freedom.
Hello PosiesandPuppies, thanks for the welcome it is much appreciated. I've read through a few *stickies but have quite a few more to go! I have lots to read here which is nice but yes it's also nice to take part as such. Maybe I should go back to that meeting then and give it a bit longer. It is tough though as it's got to fit in with childcare so I probably will use online support along side or as a main (depending on circumstances). I also feel a bit emotional about my situation as it feels complicated (although it's probably not really!). Hence asking for or seeking help/support/guidance etc is delicate at the moment.
Again thanks for the welcome. <3 Oh and I'm from the UK so its gone 5pm here!
Hello Freetime, I'm quite restricted with no transport but I will look to see if I can get to any other meetings. I was kind of made to feel like I had to read aloud :( but perhaps I was not clear with my wish to not. Thanks for the welcome and for the reply, it is appreciated a lot. I've gone through (read) the Steps and the Traditions and they scare me something rotten haha but I guess I should not get ahead of myself here... It does feel like a long journey to find balance and peace at the moment.
Welcome, Pinkink. Whatever is comfortable lfor you in your first meetings is what you should do. The people there will understand. Often we arrive thinking we are doing something wrong (having walked on eggshells). It is such a relief to have that feeling slowly lift as we delve into the techniques we can learn.
The key is to keep coming back, whether in person, online, on the phone, or any combination. It has been a lifesaver for so many of us.
I too send a warm welcome PinkInk - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I also agree that trying different meetings might help you find a good fit. I love that the only requirement for membership in Al-Anon is that you are concerned or have been affected by drinking in a family member or friend.
Al-Anon allows each of us to progress in our own time-frame. If you are not comfortable with speaking at any meeting, you most certainly can pass. I encourage you to visit the official Al-Anon website and snoop around- there's tons of information there too. This journey will help you figure out ways to find your center and your peace.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is always help and hope in recovery! Keep an open mind!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Jill, I think the online thing will be a big help for me. From this app I got to this forum and other websites. I'll hopefully get to a meeting again as well.
Hello Iamhere, I am trying my best to keep an open mind.
The more I read and listen to talks the more I am concerned I have issues to resolve and ones I didn't even have awareness of. I listen to these "talks" and find I'm getting very emotional. So, I guess I am in the right place after all. I think I'm just going to see where this takes me.
Also want to say thanks for having me here, much appreciated.
Pink - that's probably the best thing about being here... you can come online at anytime! I found it very helpful at first, b/c the F2F meetings were always so difficult - I cried the whole time through many of the ones I went to!!!
That being said, those in attendance understood, b/c they had all been there at one time or another! You could try the meeting again if you want to....it may be better with you knowing going in that you aren't required to participate, or you may feel it still isn't right for you. That is OK. I remember one meeting that was very convenient for me, just was run in a way that made me feel uncomfortable... so I bowed out of that one. Interesting thing about that... a couple years later it was "disbanded" for not following Al-Anon guidelines or something like that (gossip I heard). So if you go to any F2F meetings, just go with an open mind, and compassion for YOU. Listen to what you need. I have heard that some meetings here in the US offer childcare, but not sure about the UK.
I personally feel any connection is better than no connection (help), so I am a big fan of this forum.
Wishing you serenity today!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
"I personally feel any connection is better than no connection"
This is so true for me at the moment. I still feel a bit lost but not so much no. It feels like I'm at the beginning of a journey. I don't know where it will take me and for how long but I'm willing to put one foot in front of the other and find out.
Today the A in my life is working on what meetings he can go to if his business partners agree to a change in work rota. This is a really positive move for him and I am happy that there is a glimmer of hope for himself. He only came out of Rehab on Thursday afternoon. Early stages (again) but one day (or moment) at a time, right?
I'm sorry if I'm spilling out my story as such all over this thread. I'm not sure if that's ok or not and if not is there somewhere that I can explain a little more. It just feels like everything is bubbling up inside and needs to start to come out before I implode! Hence I'm looking for help/guidance/someone to listen.
Jill is right... it's OK.... vent away! Sometimes it just helps to type it all out and then read it. Something about getting it coherently on "paper."
It's early days for your friend... but there can always be HOPE... just watch the expectations that can ride along with the Hope.
Wishing you a peaceful Sunday... or perhaps by now it's Monday for you? LOL!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My Al-Anon beginnings were almost identical to yours.... I went to my first couple of meetings, and decided that it was just a "bunch of bitter old ladies bitching about their husbands", so I stopped going, and my life at home (and my ex-AW's drinking) became even more unmanageable. Fast forward almost two years, my home life was in a shambles, and I (mostly out of desperation) decided to give Al-Anon another try. Well, I found a group of warm, loving people, at various stages of their own recoveries, who were welcoming, supportive, and loving.... Funny thing is - it was exactly the same group I had walked out on two years earlier! Boy, had they changed, lol (said totally tongue-in-cheek - they were the same, it was now that I was ready!)
MIP, friends in recovery, great books on the subject - are all great supplements to your program of recovery.
For my money, NOTHING beats the value of F2F Al-Anon meetings
Hugs
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks for the reply PosiesandPuppies and for the response candianguy...
I'm sat here today impatiently waiting to hear from the A in my life. I did say it was complicated, for a lot of people to try to understand it is just that, complicated. My A so to speak is my Ex and father to my daughter, and best friend to me, (the later has taken a few years to get to as it was a complicated break up). I love him to bits (asa friend, I think) and my daughter obviously does too. So I am waiting to find out when he is coming over to see her this week (he stays here when he does see her as his place is not suitable) , so I need to know so I can meal plan for all of us! That may sound odd but I have an odd diet as I have Diverticular Disease (gut related) and he is a very sensitive Diabetic Type 2 (since the first rehab last year)! So in my messed up mind I need to organise and plan and know whats going on to be calm. Plus, I've noticed I now seem to live in fear of getting a call that tells me he is no longer with us. That means if he calls me soon I can relax and know he is as ok as he can be for today. I guess. I also worry about his drinking and his mental state (having just come out of Rehab)... I worry about him and my daughter a lot. I didn't realise quite how much I worry until the last month. Having listened to a few "talks" online and having started a couple of books, I am finding out that this is quite normal as such, to worry. I could go on and on about the things I worry about but won't...
He just called but doesn't know when he can get over next. But, I still feel relieved for having spoken and I now know he is ok. What is going on with me?! *sigh*
I feel like I'm going around in circles mentally ... I don't need the extra stress I seem to be causing myself and that's not to mention the lack of sleep due to worrying.
To add confusion into the mix. I was thinking of going back to that Al-Anon meeting but now my best friend and neighbour wants to go with me as she has an A parent. *sigh* How do I tell her I don't want to go with her, that I need the space for just me... that's not fair on her or her healing. I would be useful to have the transport there and back but still, I don't feel completely comfortable with going together. I don't know what to expect by going back and I don't know what to do. I'm not expecting answers (although divine inspiration would be nice)... just sharing some of my crazy I guess so I can keep going today. I appreciate anyone who actually reads this. It's probably a garbled mess to anyone else but in my mind it makes sense haha.
Aloha Pink and welcome back. I read your entry remarks off of the internet when I was in the Mainland and felt the compassion required of me as a old timer member of this fellowship. The ESH that is triggered by time and practice.
My former sponsor once told me to read my expressions as if I was someone else and see what I end up thinking about my condition which was I started to understand what insanity was and then start to work on changing it. I learned so many tools from the fellowship including MIP which helped deeply. I learned what I was up against, "cunning, powerful and baffling disease which I didn't cause, couldn't control and couldn't cure sent me flying to the laps of those who knew so much more than I.
I sat and learned and considered the experiences of others and made up my mind to actually learn what my sponsor was offering me then, "Listen, Learn and Practice, Practice, Practice what those who have learned, do. Like you I practiced saying, "Help me, Help me please" and received the consequences of doing that. I learned what they did and got what they received.
Be grateful for newbie status cause much of what you get from it are gifts of enlightenment...miracles and progress.
Learn the tools and the processes and grow and let your Higher Power hold up the lantern before the path you need to walk.
Bless you and the family including your alcoholic husband ailing daughter. The prayers will always be there. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for your reply JerryF. I have the book C2C on audio now along with the taped "talks". I think it will talk me a little while to understand the new words/slogans etc and to get to grips with what they mean for me and others. I will keep listening though. Makes me feel less alone I am finding.
Hey Pink Ink welcome!
I can relate to your post. I was new once too and wasn't so sure about Al Anon. One of the slogans I liked best when I started was "take what you like and leave the rest" at the beginning of the program most of it didn't make sense to me either. I felt like what they were talking about had very little to do with alcoholism. I didn't understand why they practiced the steps of AA themselves and why I would have to make amends to anyone when I felt like all the alcoholics in my life owed me big amends. But I kept going back and slowly it helped me find some peace. I didn't stay at the group I started out in. Instead I tried a few different meetings (because all of them are little different) and I enjoyed other groups more.
Al anon has helped me learn to focus on myself and take care of myself first. I can relate to the constant worrying I used to do that too and it used to really disrupt my sleep.
Sending hugs!
KT
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