Ok .. so as we ALL know as practicing parents .. this stuff is HARD.  LOL!! 

One of the hardest not fun moments has been the whole letting go stuff.  Letting go of gender expectation, letting go of enabling, letting go of the children I see as I watch them become struggling young adults (that's the hardest part I didn't want all of this to be a struggle).  Letting go seems to be the mantra of all parenting, they are born to you and then the next many years you have stages of letting go.  I missed that lesson in case anyone is wondering .. LOL. 

There are many things going on at the moment and I feel like it's literally a full moon out this week because this week is DUMB!!! 

My X I realized how actually horrible of a human being he really is .. reminding me that I'm very blessed not to be married to him anymore .. I can't imagine how bad things would have gotten and there is NO doubt it would have been bad.  I really continue to be surprised and shocked over how angry he is and how ZERO has truly changed for him where I come in to play.  It's not about the kids ... it is 100% punishment .. and it might be my perception however you know when it walks like a duck ... talks like a duck .. it's probably a duck.  Let's just be honest.  He is suppose to give me 72 hour notice if his salary changes so my child support is affected.  Sooo ... I realized that Thursday when he emailed me it was August 1st and he gave me no notice at all.  In that short email I was informed that I was not getting my normal support when I expect it .. and he's not paying on back support.  I know .. I know .. I shouldn't count on it .. I am one of those people that he's been court ordered to pay and I'm no different than any other primary bill.  This is about the kids.  Cause if it was .. he would pay it.  In a perfect world right?  There is no perfect world right. 

So as I mentioned he's waited until August 1st to deliver this news .. thankfully I am doing something very different with my finances .. however at the same time this is going to hurt me and ultimately the kids.  My youngest goes back to school next week.  We have planned school shopping that's not going to happen until a later date.  I will get him what he has to have and then pull the rest.  Clothes are another issue.  He's a growing boy at 6'2 and probably 6'3 by the time school starts.  We have his singing and all of that, thankfully I had enough intuition to NOT continue his lessons for the rest of the month even though they would have benefited him greatly.  I pay out and HE decides when he's paying me.  I do a LOT of breathing, things I would like to say and don't.  Let me be clear I am not victim .. he IS an a$$h0le.  It is what it is. 

My options .. I can be angry.  That's not going to change anything however I do feel angry because this is not an acceptable situation.  It's ok to be angry about something that's not ok.  You know it comes and goes .. I am learning to let go of that as well ... I don't like him .. I really feel pity for him.  Pity over what he's chosen to miss out on .. pity for the fact he's that miserable of a human being.  Pity.  I can take proactive action however I have learned over the years to wait.  Wait for the moment after I get more information.  I can also respond via email.  I did.  It was a very short email.  I said what meant meant what I said and I did not say it mean.  Once again I'm back to the fact he needs me to respond in anger .. and I'm not.  My responses are informative and I thank him for like mailing the other insurance card.  LOL.  I am fascinated by the fact he continues to create these situation and it's very obvious how angry he is .. boy is he playing the victim.  LOL .. it's amusing actually if it wasn't so sad. 

I don't know .. do I forgive him .. probably not so much because I lack the maturity to do so at the moment at least .. hey ... I have grown ... LOL .. I did not talk to my oldest about it.  He's struggling and that's my next line of what's going on. 

So he's been very not present as I have mentioned .. I gave him ALL necessary information regarding this trip .. in asking me what's the plan for pick up totally appropriate question .. my adult child goes on meltdown mode because we are driving to pick up my youngest first Friday and we will pick up the oldest Saturday.  He's going on and this is in phone call mode .. You didn't tell me we never had the conversation .. YES we did .. my response .. I told you the exact days to take off I even asked you via text did you take them off ... at this point there is no discussing this with him .. his anxiety is over the roof as I can tell .. he's headed into melt down going on about how it's going to be my fault he looses his job .. yah .. good luck with that kiddo.  No.  I thought that .. however my response was sorry you feel that way .. I can't help it if YOU are not present in your texting.  Of course he's mad and hangs up.  He said good bye and of course was suppose to call me back or text me what was going on and didn't .. LOL.  He's angry and trying process.  So his mind we are headed back on Thursday and will be home Friday.  He is dropping this as if I'm suppose to fix it.  Nooo .. it's not my JOB.  I did my part.  I did suggest he call work as soon as he got off the phone and explain he misunderstood what the plan was.  I have to work, we have a hotel for Friday night .. nothing is changing.  Again we hung up.  I probably didn't help the situation when I sent the snapshot of our conversation.  I did say honey you have got to start being present, this is an ongoing issue.  That's probably why I haven't heard back child doesn't want to admit there was a mistake on his part.  I probably wasn't right however I am not going to be blamed for something that is not my responsibility ... I'm kind of over it. 

So that's the extent of where I am at right now.  LOL.  I have a plan that will wait until next week.  Maybe he'll change his mind . maybe not .. I don't care .. I am going to make him sweat. 

Anyways, thank you as usual for being here just so I can get my thoughts down on paper.  I have had minimum contact with my mom .. that's going well .. it's very superficial and that's ok.  At least it's civil. 

Big hugs, I'm getting caught up to go back to work tomorrow .. LOL. 

S :)