The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im bringing this topic up in hopes i can hear whats helped others in dealing with foo.
i did separate myself for a very long time,so that i could heal,
im finding that when i talk with foo,i seem to get sucked in like a vaccume,
negative talk ,etc,all that goes with being raised in a A home ,no recovery.
im good with listening then i tend to lose my attentiveness,i may just have very low tolerance for non recovery foo living with the desease,i do feel helpless
,i also understand that everyone has to find their own recovery in hp timing not my timing,
i deal with my foo best i can,i am very forgiving to...its definatly a huge challenge with foo.or any loved one............thanks for reading me and allowing me to share,,,,hugs LU
Some Al-Anon friends and are are doing a book study on "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses" and FOO came up one night.
We were all relating to how when we get around our FOO, it's like we revert back to being children again. And it happens so fast. A lot of us said we feel like we have almost no control over it.
One member shared that she has to give it all to God. She feels pretty powerless over her behavior and is of course powerless over her family's.
I know for me when I get around my FOO it helps me to do a lot of forward-planning before I meet with them. I read my literature, get to meetings, have a discussion with my sponsor, if necessary, and ask God to help me stay very present when I'm visiting. One person even suggested setting a couple random alarms on their phone with a message encouraging them to "give it to God" or stay present or whatever else is necessary.
I think it's so easy for us to fall back to our old ways because that's the environment we grew up in and where learned the majority of our behaviors. So, in essence, it's comfortable... even though for a lot of us that behavior is really UNcomfortable, we just know how to deal with it and fall back into our deeply-rooted roles.
My best solution is to take a personal inventory, recognize the behaviors I need to work on, and then do some serious praying to HP to guide me and help me watch myself.
Good morning LU-I relate to both shares-our FOO is so familiar we can slide right back into our childhood roles. My folks are both gone but I have one very difficult brother. With alanon I have learned to treat him the way I treat my A-I ask God for forgiveness and compassion, I see him on my terms, I can say what I dont like, and basically Im practicing not only keeping the focus on me, but putting my needs first. It does take a lot of practice and self-talk, but why should I be in misery? I want to keep my head above the water and over my feet at all times. Practice not perfection, Lyne
I too relate....I am one of a few in recovery in a very large, disease-affected family - multi generational. I also 'bank' recovery as best I can before spending time with family - increase my readings, my meetings, my prayer/meditation, etc. I always take my HP with me and rely heavily on the abbreviated version of the serenity prayer - "Bless Them, Change Me."
With my family, I was the youngest and always wanted to be heard. What I've found is that when I do the exact opposite of my approach before recovery, I get exactly what I need (thanks to a loving HP). In the past 10+ years, I can't even count how many times I have practiced listening and seeking to understand, to be asked, "What do you think?" Trust me when I say, that never happened before recovery! I was loud and proud with my solutions to all the world's problems and unfiltered in sharing it.
So many slogans and tools help me - I just have to remember to pack them up and take them and my HP with me!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
thank you Aloha for yur esh,it is easy for me to forget about self focusing on something else,
will take alot of practice with hp help,i can do this.sounds interersting opening our hearts book study.
Lynn it is one day,min,sec at a time this is practiced,
i have been working on 1 thing for sure with foo,i talk alot less listen more when around foo,it does make a diff..much more serene i am.
Iah,yes the bless them change me ive used over n over just like you and found it works as well,
im the youngest of 4 sisterts ,oldest of 3 brothers,so i dont know if im a middle child or youngest...think its more middle where i fall.
i love all these replies,,yall are awesome,its good to know we have a place to come to where we all can relate on so much,im grateful for Alanon and my recovery its slow going with my determination and energy,i can do it..........hugs....LU.......id better get this sent before it disappears on me,lol,not to internet savvy yet.
