The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Reposting this from my files - still seems pretty appropriate today & always, and hope this can be a positive for some of the members.....
T
There seem to be a lot of posts these days looking for some clarity around what Al-Anon is, and what it is not....
The first segment (in italics) is taken directly from the Al-Anon website, and gives an overview of what Al-Anon is.....
The second segment is just some random thoughts that I threw together, of what Al-Anon is NOT.
Hope this helps.
Tom
What is Al-Anon?
Al-Anon is self-help recovery program for people who believe their lives may have been affected by someone else's drinking. We come together to find help and support in dealing with the effects of alcoholism on our lives. The single purpose of these programs is to help families and friends of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
Suggested Preamble to the Twelve Steps
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution, does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
What is Al-Anon NOT? (in no particular order, and this is simply my thrown-together list)
1. Al-Anon does not "should" anyone, as in, there are no right or wrong answers. It is a program of gentle reflection, encouragement, and sharing of experiences. We learn tools so that we can focus more of our time and energy on the one person we CAN change - ourselves.
2. Al-Anon does not teach us to be weak, or accept unacceptable behavior. In fact, it is a program that encourages us to get ourselves healthy, and learn to re-prioritize ourselves at the top of our list....
3. Al-Anon does not advocate "staying" or "leaving", as those choices are very individual and unique to each person/situation.
4. Al-Anon doesn't advocate giving the active A's in our lives a "free pass", or "letting them off the hook. In fact, it is a program that encourages us to learn tools to "allow the alcoholic to bear the consequences of his/her behaviors".
5. Al-Anon does not denounce us for doing things "wrong". In fact, Al-Anon simply suggests that there might be a better, healthier way to consider... We are always free and clear to make our own choices.
6. Al-Anon, per se, doesn't hold us accountable for our actions/behaviors. In fact, it helps us learn how to take personal responsibility for our part. One of the great tools is "gentle reflection", where we are encouraged to examine our own motives, etc.
7. Al-Anon doesn't tell us to "not check for bottles" or anything like that.... In fact, it helps teach us skills to redirect our focus and energy onto ourselves and our dependants, as opposed to our A's....
8. Al-Anon is NOT a program to help your A stop drinking/using. In fact, as the preamble states above, it is a program to help family/friends of alcoholics, whether the A is drinking or not.
9. Al-Anon is not a sect, cult, or required program. It is always ours to utilize never forced. There is a good old fashioned guideline that newcomers might want to try it for six meetings, as that will give them a pretty full idea of what to expect.
I'm sure there are lots more, but wanted to get this out there. Al-Anon has done me a tremendous amount of good - particularly in the areas of anger, denial, and personal responsibility.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you, Tom! I think it is always refreshing to get back to basics, no matter how long I have been in the program. I still remember the day I really heard changed attitudes can aid recovery and realized that's what the program is all about.
This group here, MIP Alanon is my home group. I share here weekly, and sometimes more often. I have been through the ODAT and Courage to Change many times- and it is really good to see refreshers here, every week.
Some members refer people on to face to face meetings... which is good. But some of us don't actually have that opportunity. Sometimes people [including me!] have group related issues elsewhere. I found that we are gently re-directed back to ourselves and encouraged to try our own solutions.
While both these tendencies exist, in my view, I believe that they can co-exist quite easily.
The spread of members here- right across the globe- ensures that there is a lot of collective wisdom applied here. I think this is a great resource for Alanon. The number of visitors- recorded on the bottom of the page- attest to this.
Awesome share Tom - many, many thanks! I am grateful that when I arrived, others who came before me were gentle and didn't give me a list of things I had to do, should do, etc. I arrived broken and honestly wondered how to just get through a day. Instead, I was met with gentle, welcoming folks who suggested I try what's suggested One Day at a Time. I still believe that I breathed deeply in my first meeting for the first time in a really, really long time.
I am grateful for the world-wide fellowship we have here, the lovely fellowship I have locally and each member who came before me! I honestly don't know where I would be without recovery in my life....(((Hugs))) to all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, Tom! I love when things are put concisely. This should be a "newcomer" sticky, I believe.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I agree with some of your ideas, Tom, and understand the desire to create a list of what Al-anon is not. but our human fellowship will always fall short of perfection because even our wonderful traditions are left to interpretation. it's fruitless to go on expecting perfection anywhere on this planet, quite frankly.
In my experience, we really cannot fathom the wisdom of the Higher Power. Many believe recovery groups should feel like rainbows and butterflies all the time but my experience is we cannot separate ourselves from the real world where certain personalities are going to rub against us... for good reason...
That is the precise condition that pushes me to grow. I have witnessed as well as personally experienced very harsh words in recovery, lots of should-ing, lots of force and shame and unsolicited advice (what planet are you on? LOL)
It is true that it felt very painful and wrong at first. But it was NOT by mistake, I know because I learned too much from it. I can resist that behavior all I want, but eventually, I'm met with the same old question, "is the whole world supposed to change for YOU???"
Living the art of detachment (real freedom) is a spiritual skill emphasized in al-anon and not easily maintained. our al-anon disease is as cunning as any other, trying to sell a concept of a "perfect fellowship" and unconditional love when this is simply not true. If al-anon feels euphoric all the time, one may not be doing the hard work and found enablers not doing the work either.
I find face to face groups to be the perfect place to PRACTICE recovery skills with real people. Even if we did manage to shelter ourselves with perfect behavior rules within a perfect group
... we'd still have to walk out into the real world. Easier for me to just "use" the discomfort of personalities to advance my personal recovery, dropping my black and white ideas of what al-anon is and is not, just going with the flow, recognizing EVERY voice as valuable... always asking myself, "how might this be spiritual useful??" To me, that is recovery in action.
as always, take what you like (or useful)... and leave the rest.
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 28th of July 2019 02:44:07 PM
Thank you. I am trying to join the Alanon family and went to my first face2face and left feeling very discouraged, still left feeling alone. I tried another place and was ignored so thank you for explaining
I agree with some of your ideas, Tom, and understand the desire to create a list of what Al-anon is not. but our human fellowship will always fall short of perfection because even our wonderful traditions are left to interpretation. it's fruitless to go on expecting perfection anywhere on this planet, quite frankly.
In my experience, we really cannot fathom the wisdom of the Higher Power. Many believe recovery groups should feel like rainbows and butterflies all the time but my experience is we cannot separate ourselves from the real world where certain personalities are going to rub against us... for good reason...
That is the precise condition that pushes me to grow. I have witnessed as well as personally experienced very harsh words in recovery, lots of should-ing, lots of force and shame and unsolicited advice (what planet are you on? LOL)
It is true that it felt very painful and wrong at first. But it was NOT by mistake, I know because I learned too much from it. I can resist that behavior all I want, but eventually, I'm met with the same old question, "is the whole world supposed to change for YOU???"
Living the art of detachment (real freedom) is a spiritual skill emphasized in al-anon and not easily maintained. our al-anon disease is as cunning as any other, trying to sell a concept of a "perfect fellowship" and unconditional love when this is simply not true. If al-anon feels euphoric all the time, one may not be doing the hard work and found enablers not doing the work either.
I find face to face groups to be the perfect place to PRACTICE recovery skills with real people. Even if we did manage to shelter ourselves with perfect behavior rules within a perfect group
... we'd still have to walk out into the real world. Easier for me to just "use" the discomfort of personalities to advance my personal recovery, dropping my black and white ideas of what al-anon is and is not, just going with the flow, recognizing EVERY voice as valuable... always asking myself, "how might this be spiritual useful??" To me, that is recovery in action.
as always, take what you like (or useful)... and leave the rest.
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 28th of July 2019 02:44:07 PM
Excellent points...thank you very much for sharing this insight and perspective.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I appreciate all the thoughts in here. While many of Tom's observations feel pretty spot-on for me, I agree, also, with what was shared that for me there's no "rule" that must be set in stone. We are human beings and as such we're imperfect and unique.
Saturday morning I went to a great meeting where we talked about enabling, and one member shared that having a draconian approach to enabling does her no good, and I had to agree. She talked about having a sister who has limited funds and requires diabetes medication. Her sister is disabled and has no means of her own income, her sister's husband drinks and spends all their money on booze, but this member said it's still unacceptable to her, if she has the means, to not offer to buy diabetes medication for her sister on occasion if only it's because it gives HER peace of mind. She's capable of helping. She will do it.
I agreed with that, too. If I am able and capable, I want to be of service. I don't want to be a stingy person who never helps anyone. Of course it's just that there are appropriate times and there are NOT appropriate times to help. If I KEEP helping and doing what others can do for themselves, then that's were I start to feel like I've become an enabler.
But really, we are the ones who have to live in our own skins and live with the consequences of our decisions. Just because one person defines something as enabling, or maybe unacceptable, or what have you doesn't mean that's YOUR truth.
What I love about this program is that it's allowed me to make decisions for myself and discover who I want to be. Not who my family wants me to be. Not who my well-meaning friends want me to be. Not who "society" says I should be. But who I want to be.
Al-Anon reminds me at the end of every meeting - "though you may not like all of us" and to "take what you like and leave the rest".
...