Hi Elabella,

I think there is no one size fits all answer for the question of choosing to go to AA meetings as a non alcoholic and member of the Alanon program. I think we all do what we feel we want to do and just as with attending Alanon, our experience attending Open AA is based on where we are at personally. 

As a newcomer to Alanon I was desperate for solutions for my exah. I surely wasn't being given solutions for getting him sober at Alanon meetings. Alanon was in place to guide me to keeping the focus on myself and my own recovery. Driven by desperation, I popped into AA and literally went up to one of the recovering alcoholics and asked him what I could do to help my husband to get sober. He was kind in his response but direct. Basically,he told me to mind my own business. I also have to say that I was on the throes of despair as a person new to Alanon and really resented all the laughing and joking I witnessed at that AA meeting. Because I was new to recovery I judged that as immaturity and irresponsibility. I left the meeting with my oversized pity pot of righteous indignation. Today I recognize such expressions of playfulness by recovering alcoholics as gratitude, humor, being "happy, joyous and free." I believe that was possible because of working the steps of the Alanon program and attending Alanon meetings.

Today, many years later; I attend AA open speaker meetings when I feel inclined. Typically, I attend them with my life partner who is in recovery in that program. Because of Alanon, I listen with no desire of hearing something that might be an answer for any active alcoholics in my life. I know because of our program that a higher power is guiding each person's life and that I can not love the disease out of the alcoholics in my life. A life journey is between each person and their own hp is my belief. I embrace the 3Cs today. I didn't cause, can't control it and can't cure it. The stories I hear of recoverying alcoholics are inspirational but no more inspirational to me today than that of alanon speakers. All are pretty amazing and what I've heard so far, reminds me of how much more we are alike as recovering people than different. But again, I don't think I would have come to this realization without program work in Alanon. 

My most recent experience was a few weeks back when I popped into an open AA meeting with my bf. It was his old home group and a very small meeting that evening. While there a newcomer walked in alone looking for Alanon. She stayed and I was able to have a meeting after the meeting with her. Meeting members were welcoming to her and offered phone numbers in case her loved one wanted to seek help. They gently suggested that although she was welcome she should find Alanon because that is the family program and program for her. She told me after the meeting that she thought they were all so nice that she would definitely consider coming to that meeting again. I agreed that they were very nice people. They had even found one of our books and given it to her. It had been left by a disbanded Alanon group. What I tried to convey to the newcomer was based on my own experience so please take what you like and leave the rest. I explained that I have been in Alanon many years and am maintainiing my program and my serenity by attending meeting. I am no longer in a place of desperation and seeking help for an unmanageable family situation that included living with an active alcoholic. When I was in such a situation, Alanon meetings felt best for me because they were filled with family members who had found understanding, comfort and solutions through sharing, sponsorship and reaching out to one another outside of meeting time. I mentioned that I know today that no one understands what I am going through better than someone else who is having a similiar experience. From that place, I was able to progress one day at a time as I still do to better understand my role in the situation and how I can offer loving support rather than enabling the alcoholic's drinking. I said I learned that that was something I could not get from attending open AA. I was glad my hp put me on her path and she left feeling enthusiastic about our program and looked forward to her first meeting. 

So I guess it does come down to what motivates each of us to attend AA as an Alanon. Recovery is so individualized. No one can tell us how to work our program, there are no rules per se just suggestions. With that said, I would never attend a "closed" AA meeting. I am not an alcoholic and I would feel like an intruder. Anyway, that's my experience. We've all got our own.  ((hugs)) TT

Anyone is invited to attend an open AA meeting at any time for any reason. Simple. No reason, no invitation, no need to fret - anyone is welcome. I have never been to an open meeting where we asked why someone was present, so even motive for attending doesn't matter. Most go out of support for one in recovery or to better understand the disease, the diseased or the program of recovery from the disease. Most open AA meetings have speakers, and most speakers cover 3 main areas - What it Was Like, What Happened and What it is Like Now. Of course, there can and are different formats for open meetings, that's just what we typically see here in our speaker meetings.

I believe it's perfectly normal to be sad and wish/hope that your loved one would 'get it'. After 32+ years in recovery, I still have those thoughts at different times as my family has the disease flowing freely across multiple generations. It's not unhealthy to feel - what is unhealthy for me is if I take my feelings and try to impose my will on others, obsess over them or it and project - good or bad. Both programs carefully suggest that we carry the message, and not the person.

It's your choice who you share with about any action you take in recovery. I have not felt the need in those 32+ years to shout from the rooftops that I am in recovery and I often depart from my home to attend a meeting and not disclose. Recovery has given me the freedom to decide for me who I share what with, when, etc. I can say from personal experience that an active alcoholic has absolutely no interest in hearing anything about recovery, AA, meetings, etc. simply because until ready, denial is a safer space to be in.

I love that we each get to define our recovery program as we need to. There are no 'absolutes' as stated above, and many of us hear suggestions, make an effort and adopt the tool or pass on it (for today). The 'take what you like and leave the rest' was helpful to me. It took me a while of practicing this program, working with a sponsor and working the steps to even know who I was, let alone what motivated me. Keep doing what you are doing and keep attending any meetings you want and keep asking questions. You are doing just fine!! I applaud your courage to go, and believe that if you go again, and do approach the gal, she will kindly talk with you....I have been approached often in meetings (open and closed) and the same mantra of, 'when anyone, any where reaches out for help....' applies to AA & Al-Anon. (((Hugs)))

-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 16th of July 2019 09:13:02 PM