The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The ODAT reading for today July 16 speaks about the word :" maturity". I defines maturity as the capacity to withstand the ego destroying experiences and not lose one's perspective in the ego building experiences
The reason it defines maturity is that the experts believe that many ofus arrive in alanon looking at others and judging them as lacking maturity. Thiss trait gives us a great deal of trouble . Instead the reading suggests that we need to examine our own reactions and not focus on others
The reading also . Points out that arguing with the alcoholic, over reacting in tears and devious tricks to outwit them is an example of this lack of maturity. The reading challenges us to focus our attention on our own recovery as change will improve our situation
I agree that I had a LOT of growing up to do when I came into Al-Anon. I may have been in an adult body, but I lacked a lot of emotional maturity. I agree that one facet of maturity is to not feel destroyed when someone or something challenges my ego.
Having a "tit-for-tat" mentality, blaming others for my behaviors, always being a victim, trading insults with others, not allowing others to have a differing opinion... I was guilty of all of that. I still sometimes have work to do around some of those aspects, but from working my Al-Anon program, doing the steps, getting to meetings, reading the literature, and talking with a sponsor, those behaviors arise far less frequently.
I was always thinking that maturity, serenity, and emotional sobriety was all much the same thing. I still think so- but at the time I wanted this programme to be for everyone- [not a bad idea!]. But it also took the focus off of me, personally.
I don't think I thought less of the others in my first group. I went through that flip-flop, thinking- my life was never ever that bad... ...to thinking nobody else ever suffered the way I suffered. That is the power of the group at work!
Growing up with the disease I did acquire an early maturity, well beyond my years. Or responsibility, at the every least. But, at the same time I missed out on many rites of passage, as a consequence. I knew I had to make up for this loss- and Alanon meetings were good place to start.
To learn to roll with the lessons of life a lot more, instead of feeling like a victim.
And taking care; feeling that I was worthwhile... all that stuff...
Thank you for your service Betty! This topic speaks to me because I grew up associating "maturity" with many unhealthy thoughts and beliefs. It contributed to my rigidness and excessive dependency on unhealthy people. The word, "maturity" was very confusing as an adult and I came to understand that my perspectives were distorted. It was like I was trying to emulate some incomplete version of "mature" without having the skills, tools, or correct goal post.
Thank you Betty for your service and the daily! Thank you MIP family for your shares and ESH. This is a spot on, perfectly timed reading for me today. We've got some chaos and drama that's been distracting me and I've been tossing around the whole idea of maturity (of others) in my mind today - and yes...it's all about ego!
I know in my mind that I am powerless over other people, places, things and especially this disease! Yet, when the disease begins to rise up in those I love, my heart begins to JADE and so begins some sad and doom thoughts. I've been working hard to mind my side of the street, turning my fears over to God and for his will to prevail in my actions/deeds. I definitely know that left to my own devices, I could very quickly throw gasoline on a slow-burning fire and I don't want to go there!
I too came to recovery believing I was mature to discover I was wrong. I would willingly and without any filter fight anyone about anything at any time. It was all ego-driven, which was fear-based and what a relief to learn I didn't have to be that way or do that any longer! My life works much better when I practice the pause, pray first and then proceed - with my proceeding often being no response. I learned in recovery that I don't have to attend every fight I am invited to, and that when another is venting at me or to me, I can just pray for them and move along. It's been freeing (and maybe even a bit of maturity) to allow others to be who they are and not 'wear the stink they are throwing my way'!
I hope everyone had a great day....we're gearing up for a heatwave, so golf is super early every day this week. Choose joy - it's a better space to be in!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I liked the contrast of responsibility and maturity David. Having assumed so much of it from a young age with only shame prevention and minimisation as a guide to what was appropriate, it's been a haphazard journey at times! I guess shame and ego are the survival responses I try to overcome with recovery. In their place humility and self worth. These two can and are meant to co-exist. It's always so much easier to boost the ego than gain self worth, yet with self worth the ego getting knocked doesn't devastate. Thanks for the service our Betty. Love all the reflections so freely shared.
Thanks Betty, and Aloha...