The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The author of today's page in Hope for Today had a tendency to isolate because of their fear of not being good enough. One day, walking down the street, they saw a neighbor walking on the other side. They thought about shouting a greeting to the neighbor, but did not do it, and the neighbor turned the corner.
Later at home, the author thought of the slogan "let it begin with me," then called the neighbor on the phone and had a conversation. Afterwards, the author felt good about taking a risk to move toward intimacy with another human being.
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What I like about this share is how the author took a second chance, a do-over. Their first instinct was to isolate, but very quickly they became willing to do something different. The lost opportunity of greeting the neighbor was not perfect -- but it was not permanent. This reminds me that my defects, my mistakes -- can be improved on. I do not have to be stuck on one way of doing things, especially things that don't serve me well, and when I have been wrong, I can promptly admit it and try something else.
MIP friends, have you ever caught yourself acting out of fear (or some other defect) and then chosen a do-over?
Good morning MIP! Thanks for your service and the share, Freetime!
Getting out of isolation is something that I have been working on for years. I still find myself reluctant to make plans with others or to agree to do things in the evenings and on weekends, because of fear of how my wife will react. (Usually there is anger, sadness, depression, etc.) Some days I don't feel strong enough to deal with her reactions. I began by selecting specific days of the week where I would make plans, and have that be the expectation. (Sundays I go to my meeting and then have a few hours for myself to meet with friends, or sit in a coffee shop, or do whatever else I like. Tuesdays, I meet with my sponcee, Thursdays I go to my other meeting.) After a couple years, I found this too restrictive and limiting, and so I began making plans on other days. (I still go to the Sunday and Thursday meetings each week, but I don't limit myself anymore.) I do still find myself making plans 1-2 weeks out, so I have time to talk to AW about my plans when she is in a better frame of mind. How I go about making plans to meet with friends is a constant do-over opportunity for me. With more practice, I hope I can do it without the anxiety and fear of negative reaction.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I like this. It reminds me that I don't have to wait for "next time" for another opportunity to arise. I can create my own opportunities. This definitely falls under "let it begin with me" and for me it's about trusting HP and knowing I'm going to be okay while I take risks - big or small.
Yes, isolation is a big one for me, too. I grew up with parents who isolated. Isolation = safety. But boy is it stifling. Before Al-Anon I used to assume I was an introvert. I later started realizing I really liked meeting new people and chatting and so on. That doesn't make me an extrovert by any means, but the confidence I found in my Al-Anon meetings allowed me to seek the company that I craved and actually experience the world and the people in it. I get to stop defining myself as someone who shuns social interaction.
Have a fantastic Friday. May we all "let it begin with me" and stick our toes out beyond the edge of our comfort zones just a little bit and experience something fun and amazing.
Thank you for your service FT and for all above shares. These are great reminders, that we can re-set whenever we want to, and to practice let it begin we me.
I lived in fear and spent many years isolating. I recently have scheduled two separate lunches with two different people I haven't seen in years. I will have some anxiety at the beginning of these meetings, but I will not let it stop me. Alanon is helping me heal and grow. Lyne
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily.....I have tried many do-overs as still, at times, my first response is to say No (social), and to shy away towards the peripheral of 'life'. It is in practicing the pause that I am able to muster up some courage (thanks to belief in a HP), and take some risks. It's still often scary and uncomfortable, but I honestly can not think of a single thing I've shown up for in years that I didn't find pleasure in - no matter what it was/is.
I know that isolating is unhealthy because of what I've learned in recovery. I know that fear keeps me from growing and moving forward. At the same time, I am a big believer in service and action, both of which help me be healthier. I really no longer want to be a hostage to my fear, my ego or my self will and taking risks really helps me build confidence.
I also love, love, love that we suggest in recovery that we can start our day over at any time! Do-Overs are awesome in my book!
Happy Friday all - I golfed this morning and am having some back issues again.....not thrilled about it but am listening to my body and trying to take it easy for the weekend. Looking forward to some rest & relaxation - make it a great one all.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Freetime, and to Mary for bring the adult child reader to us... ...
I am on Step 12, but also in the middle of winter- fighting off ills and chills... moving into the Alanon frame- my mantra on isolation came from Concept 4- the antidote:
...participation is the key to harmony...
And my journey here was not to focus away from group harmony, as an antidote to family disharmony- but to a personal inward harmony- which would work anywhere, and at any time.
Phew! In our church we have Fijian families. There homeland is north of here. last week I tested my knowledge of the terms marau with is outward joy and with reki which is an inward joy, or glow. I got a warm hug out of that- so i must have come close. ...
I am now semi-retired. I pruned an apricot block last month to fund a vacation in Fiji next month. So now I am marking time doing yard work. I had a yearning to visit an old family friend in a rest home. There are two old women there- who were a part of the band of mothers- who bought up kids in the 50's and 60's.
I was taking in old magazines... but last week bought a copy of a new magazine and took it. We had amazing conversations. because of my own journey I find it easy and comfortable to talk with people in resthomes...
I went a second time yesterday- Friday. I took local history in. there was a photo in it, of J. aged about 30 on the skating rink. I know she was there, of course, because I wrote the book. In my preface I wrote how "it takes a village to raise a child". An old cliche, of course- but with nitty gritty grains of truth in it!
Both old women recognised the people in the photos- and it bought them moments of joy and pleasure!
I am not sure, at all, as to where may Step 12 will take me. It is driven by my higher power- more than anything... but it has taken me to the place of highest priority. Taking me to people who might not be here next week.
Being able to share engenders hope... it puts knots in the rope I need to climb.
Thanks Freetime, and to Mary for bring the adult child reader to us... 
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