The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a 2 year period of a LOT of growth for me, as well as having to do some hardcore growing up. It is a shame it didn't happen sooner however it is what it is. I have so much further to go without question and right now my hormones are doing me right with where I am at .. LOL.
ANYWAYS .. I have a point .. LOL, .. my oldest child came out to me as trans and when he did there was sooo much other stuff going on .. I mean it was no less than a massive disaster. As time goes on I am finding out more "truths" that hadn't come out at the time and probably didn't need to so that's ok. I really was not as aware as I should have been of the alcohol and Xanax my kid was taking. I also didn't realize when he came out to me he was coming down off an extreme high and was crashing from the dependency. That was a horrible Christmas in the sense of a lot of yelling, crying and anger. I made some personal resolves that I was not going to do the medicated dance again after what I went through with his bio dad.
Fast forward a couple months from that and it was still very raw and everyone was trying to find that "new norm" and what that meant. As it happens because of the nature of the business I work for we deal with a lot of teens, statistics and so on of LGTBQ stuff. Ironically before my son came out I had gone to a training about cultural diversity. It was surprising to realize how little I had been exposed to the culture as well as my ignorance on it. I found someone I could talk to through that and I was so very grateful. He has been a wonderful support person when I was in the throws of the beginning. It took me about a year before I could say transgender son and not cry. That has zero to do with how much I love him and that have everything to do with the grief I was experiencing. It was/is what I call gender expectation mourning. Letting go of MY hopes and dreams for my son that would not be realized because that was no longer going to be part of his journey.
It has been a min and a LOT has changed .. LOL .. we are moving into the 2nd year of transition and I still consider myself at the beginning really of the parenting journey. No one really tells you that letting go of your kids is truly the hardest part of parenting. I had failed pretty hard at doing so up until my son went to college. My son, .. he is fully in it. We have some goals and things that we are working on in terms of name/gender changes as well as top surgery since my X had his stroke now is the time. This part is a "we" thing because he's never dealt with the legal system and I am only there for support and to advocate. He is finally working on getting his driver's license .. this is a big one. His schooling on campus will resume going forward. His anxiety is soooo much better. So I stopped to say hi to my supportive parent and in chatting he asked if I wanted to be part of the committee that they have especially having the parenting perspective of what's my experience been like. I'm sooo excited because after that meeting they asked me to come on board fully. So that means I will get to get involved in doing the occasional talk during training and so on. As well as have an impact on what is taught during the year and so on. It's a huge learning curve for me too. Again I think I have a handle on things and what do you know it's a drop in the bucket .. LOL.
It will also help relieve me of some boredom at work and maybe move me into a different area of where I want to be at the moment. Maybe it's time for a change .. we'll see.
Thanks for letting me share, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Totally cool that you've got a new opportunity in an area of interest and experience! Enjoy it - sounds awesome girl!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Serenity, thank you for sharing your story. Isn't it amazing how something that seemed like a disaster at the time, and was tough to go through, is now bringing new positive opportunities for you!
Serenity, thanks for sharing your journey, thanks for being supportive of your son, and for being willing to become involved with the group at work. I'm so excited for the positive opportunities available to you!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I really am blessed to be where I am at the moment. Right now the latent bigotry is very real. I get to choose how I support the LGBTQ community and I am always glad to see others who support as well.
I had an unfortunate experience yesterday with a Lyft driver and thankfully my BF was with me. Ironically my mother picked us up .. LOL .. this is where I say God has a wicked sense of humor, while my mom is supportive of my kid/s, there is a pattern to the speech. Hateful, Justifying Rationalization, and then pretty much groveling to backtrack. My response to this behavior is: Boundary, Boundary being ignored, anger/rage, and then I'm done. I can't do sniveling groveling when it never had to go to that point.
It played out just like that and I was actually well behaved .. I asked the woman to stop talking about the subject, it wasn't appropriate, and then she started rationalizing and justifying why she felt the way she did. I don't care .. I never asked. Then actually did the latent bigot response of well I don't have an issue with LGBTQ (XYZ) People, we have some in the family statement. As I am playing out the court scenario in my mind which goes like this .. well Ms. S can you explain to the court why there was an altercation in the victims vehicle and my response being .. my mother made me do it. I know that is not the right way to go .. lol .. O.o. I remained silent however would through out some facts, I explained where I worked and thankfully we were coming to the end of the ride. My poor boyfriend was just trying to get us home as quickly and painlessly as possible. He's talking over her and trying to get us home by giving her the fastest directions home. We got home and I jumped out of a moving car .. she realized when she was justifying her position she had offended me greatly. It was such a simple fix in the beginning too. All she needed to do was as soon as I said please stop the conversation isn't appropriate was say I completely understand and apologize, changed subject. I wouldn't have had an issue in the least. She didn't do that, she did exactly what my mother does .. ignores everyone else's feelings and thoughts and rationalizes her own.
After that experience that I did not invite and calming down a bit .. I did send a negative review and gave her 1 star. I have never done that because it's never been necessary. I think the most ironic thing was the statement about I don't like to hear about politics yet has a talk radio show on the car station. Turn off the radio and problem solved you don't have to hear about it. I never once brought up politics in any of my statements.
I realize I will have to deal with again at some point, .. it wasn't even the subject .. it was the behavior that set me off. All I can think is please God .. protect my kid and bubble him as much as possible. Up until yesterday I haven't had any issues like that and have been very naïve as I say my son is about what's going on in the world at the moment and that latent bigotry of any kind is something to work towards eradicating. People are certainly entitled to their opinion .. life isn't facebook .. I don't need to hear about them while I'm paying for a service. Not to mention they were talking about MY kid, and they are to ignorant to know it. Not all parents of LGTBQ kids wear pride symbols, because while I'm all about the message I don't need to shout to be heard, I support people who do because it gives me the ability not to have to shout. I'm certainly not going to be silent.
As supportive as my boyfriend is he's been very sheltered shall we say and our family is the first family where he's had to really open his mind. He is willing to try .. from time to time he stumbles .. and I can accept that because I know his heart is right. I was disappointed he wasn't more assertive when he saw me getting upset and we did have the conversation of I need to know you have my back and my kid's back. I need to hear you say, you heard her ask you to stop and now I am telling you to stop talking about this and change the subject. He was just as shell shocked as I was about the whole thing. I was very tempted to say please pull over so I can get out. I'm glad we had that conversation so he is aware, I need more verbal reassurance. That's not to say I want him to be a jerk .. saying stop and changing the subject is appropriate. He did MANY things right and I pointed that out too. He reached over and held my hand for support which kept me from acting out, he tried to get us safely home (his truck went into the shop before our trip, my car is out of order at the moment), he worked on defusing a situation he recognized as not ok. I need him to be able to take the stand and say this is not ok and mean it.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
i love hearing about yur growth and awareness,,love your shares to.
i to struugle with this coming out and showing myself when needed,
i find as long as i keep pushing myself forward pushing myself through it working my program to the best i can,
the better i feel ,the better person i am........keeping a positive attitude does bring me serenity...........hugs lu
Isn't it amazing how much life can change in 2 short years? So happy to hear about your new opportunities and your awareness of the here and now. Dealing with family can be challenging!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
