Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Luna3104 · Newbie

how to react

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you're here Luna

Long and short of it, you're correct that you cannot be his sponsor. You're too close to the situation, and if you're not a recovering addict yourself, you don't have much ground to relate with him on.

He KNOWS his solutions are out there in the form of meetings or other recovery programs. It's his job to walk himself into one of those places of his own volition. I was always encouraged if an addict or alcoholic came to me about needing help in such a manner to give them a meeting schedule or the phone number/web site to the local 12-step program, or, if I personally know someone in AA or NA to give their number to the person asking for help.

I'll do the same for you. I recommend you start getting to Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon meetings. Someone in your life you care about has a drinking and/or drug problem. You need help with that. He cannot help you just as you cannot help him in the sense of recovery.

Getting to meetings will arm you with the information you need in order to take care of yourself and keep your side of the fence clean so you stay out of the alcoholic's/addict's personal path to recovery. I recommend getting to at least 6 meetings as close together as possible to determine if Al-Anon or Nar-Anon is the right fit for you. If it speaks to your heart, then I encourage you to find yourself a sponsor and start working the steps. The addict/alcoholic in your life will be best served when you start taking care of yourself.

Find an Al-Anon meeting: al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

Find a Nar-Anon meeting: www.nar-anon.org/find-a-meeting

In the meantime, you're always welcome to come here in addition to your meetings.

IamLynn · Veteran Member

Thank you Aloha. You were not addressing me but spoke to what I have to keep reminding myself. What good am I to anyone if I'm not taking care of my heath and well being. I am experiencing a grown child in crisis with alcohol abuse and it's consequences. It is most hard for me not be be the first responder especially when called upon. The situation becomes more complicated when my adult child is married so that the dealings become not only immediate family but also including in laws. I think someone with a substance abuse problem often doesn't even want the right hand to know what the left hand is doing so therefore does not necessarily want those who love him to be on the same page. It's complicated. I went to my first meeting yesterday and walked away feeling troubled because there are no promises of a happy ending. Upon reflection it was comforting to meet others who know the same thing and are finding way to work through it. It's a feeling of being alone because each story is unique and at the same time not alone because there are so many stories and each person at the meeting is a survivor and working to remain that way. No matter what happens to my child I hope that I will do the right thing for myself so I can do the right thing for him. The newcomer brochures are very helpful. Anyway I wanted to reach out to you because your words were good for me.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy it was helpful, Lynn. I'm glad you're here, too and that you're getting to meetings. Keep coming back.

IamLynn · Veteran Member

Thank you Aloha. As an aside I would like to say to luna3104 that for me just attending a meeting and the next day reading the brochures were a help so I would wish the same for you. I get lost in my own head. uncertainties, fears, sorrow, anger, resentment, mourning and everything in between. This seems like a good place to look outward.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Luna3104 wrote:
He has been in a few treatment centers over the years and will not go to meetings.

Do you understand what this means? He's been to a few treatment centers? Why? But he will not go to meetings? So, he doesn't want to get clean and sober, healthy? Right?

Maresie889 · Member

Welcome to this group It is a real hard slog to get around alcoholic addicts Look to the program suggestions Read up people's stories There is no #formula# for handling this There is just tools suggestions and support The #tools# need a lot of work to get strong Mary

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Luna - welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad that you joined in and shared. I am sorry that you're being affected by the disease - it's a powerful, cunning, baffling and progressive disease for which there is really no cure. What I've come to understand is that no matter how much I care about another, I can't cure them, cover for them, or even help them unless/until they are helping themselves. There are other recovery programs beyond AA if he's anti-AA - he would not be the first or last anti-AA person I've heard of.

There are many tools in Al-Anon, which is a 12 step program for friends and family concerned by the drinking in another. The one that popped into my mind is, "How can I help or be of service?" I did not even attempt to use this until I had some solid healthy boundaries in place as Alcoholics/Addicts are notorious for their manipulation abilities. It does appear that in some small way, he's reaching out for help...I fully agree with Aloha's share - it's not your job to be his sponsor yet you can help him possibly find resources that are available (and have experience) to talk with/to and get some help.

If he's been to treatment, he does know there's a different life for him if/when he's willing/ready to work for it. I have 2 sons, both alcoholic/addicts, one currently sober and one not. The one who's not has had some clean/sober time before through AA, but is currently anti-AA. Even though he's not ready today for recovery, I have no doubt that the seeds have been planted and should I leave this earth tonight/tomorrow, he'd know where to go for help should he want it.

This disease is too much for anyone of us - which is why the steps are all 'we' written. Sharing ESH with others does bring about some unity even if/when our experiences are different. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Luna...Reacting suggest that there is no thinking about what we are reacting to before hand and this is what I use to do, making situations worse for me and others.

An early sponsor, Don'T gave me the slogan of Don'T React so that I could inventory the situation before hand and think about outcomes that would be more favorable to me and others including the alcoholic. I adopted the slogan "Don'T react" and continue to use it constantly in my daily life. I don't throw myself under the bus anymore and most often become a positive outcome with situations that might otherwise get crazy.

Keep coming back!! ((((Hugs)))) wink

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Luna3104 wrote:
Hello everyone,
I don't know if I am in the right chat room, however, I figured someone would be able to point me in the right direction.
I am living with a functional drug addict and alcoholic. Meaning no use during the week, but always on weekends. This man keeps a job and pays bills. Every once in a while usually every 4 to 6 month he disappears on a crack binch for about 3 days. Which creates financial disaster every time.
Last weekend he through me for a loop, when he came to me and told me that he had to talk to me because I am the only person in his life. He proceeded to tell me that he had bad urges. I was stunned, that has never happened before, usually he just takes off. I felt my stomach in knots, not knowing how to be a "sponsor", not knowing what to say. I was afraid that the wrong thing might cause him to run out. We talked for a little while, went to sleep and the urge past.
For future incidents, can someone please tell me how to handle a situation like this?
He has been in a few treatment centers over the years and will not go to meetings.

Living with an alcoholic or drug addict, functional or not, can be very, very difficult, challenging, stressful, and about a hundred other things. The disease of addiction -- any addiction -- is cunning, baffling, insidious, degenerative, progressive in nature, exponentially gets worse, and so much more. However, the worst part of all of this is the impact, direct and collateral damage, that the disease of addiction can and does have on loved ones; especially the people living in the same household. Now, it doesn't have to have that type of impact...and we learn how to not let it...in alanon.

That said, as others have said, no, you should not be his sponsor. Not under any circumstances. For countless reasons. Be that as it may, his urges, his behavior, his actions, and his decisions...are just that...HIS. Not yours. If you want to get better, be healthy, and ultimately be happy (YOU being happy, independent of him being happy and independent of him using or not)...then you should not be a partner in any of his decisions, behaviors, actions, etc. His urges -- are his! HE, not YOU, will either get through them...or he won't...and he will use...and that is up to him. NOT YOU.

Your question...how to handle this...very simple. One, go to face to face alanon meetings. As many as you can, as often as you can. Period. Make going to face to face meetings a priority. Go often, go regularly. Two, find a sponsor. ASAP. Three, start doing the work. Included in that is getting the books One Day At A Time and Courage To Change, and doing your readings every single day, morning and night. When you are struggling, whatever you are struggling with -- go to the back of the book, look up whatever it is you are feeling or dealing with (detachment for example), and go do all the readings on that specific topic.

If you do the work...you will get better. Period. All the best.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Bo wrote:
Luna3104 wrote:
Hello everyone,
I don't know if I am in the right chat room, however, I figured someone would be able to point me in the right direction.
I am living with a functional drug addict and alcoholic. Meaning no use during the week, but always on weekends. This man keeps a job and pays bills. Every once in a while usually every 4 to 6 month he disappears on a crack binch for about 3 days. Which creates financial disaster every time.
Last weekend he through me for a loop, when he came to me and told me that he had to talk to me because I am the only person in his life. He proceeded to tell me that he had bad urges. I was stunned, that has never happened before, usually he just takes off. I felt my stomach in knots, not knowing how to be a "sponsor", not knowing what to say. I was afraid that the wrong thing might cause him to run out. We talked for a little while, went to sleep and the urge past.
For future incidents, can someone please tell me how to handle a situation like this?
He has been in a few treatment centers over the years and will not go to meetings.

Living with an alcoholic or drug addict, functional or not, can be very, very difficult, challenging, stressful, and about a hundred other things. The disease of addiction -- any addiction -- is cunning, baffling, insidious, degenerative, progressive in nature, exponentially gets worse, and so much more. However, the worst part of all of this is the impact, direct and collateral damage, that the disease of addiction can and does have on loved ones; especially the people living in the same household. Now, it doesn't have to have that type of impact...and we learn how to not let it...in alanon.
That said, as others have said, no, you should not be his sponsor. Not under any circumstances. For countless reasons. Be that as it may, his urges, his behavior, his actions, and his decisions...are just that...HIS. Not yours. If you want to get better, be healthy, and ultimately be happy (YOU being happy, independent of him being happy and independent of him using or not)...then you should not be a partner in any of his decisions, behaviors, actions, etc. His urges -- are his! HE, not YOU, will either get through them...or he won't...and he will use...and that is up to him. NOT YOU.
Your question...how to handle this...very simple. One, go to face to face alanon meetings. As many as you can, as often as you can. Period. Make going to face to face meetings a priority. Go often, go regularly. Two, find a sponsor. ASAP. Three, start doing the work. Included in that is getting the books One Day At A Time and Courage To Change, and doing your readings every single day, morning and night. When you are struggling, whatever you are struggling with -- go to the back of the book, look up whatever it is you are feeling or dealing with (detachment for example), and go do all the readings on that specific topic.
If you do the work...you will get better. Period. All the best.

BTW Luna...you will notice, none of the insight, guidance, experience, etc., that you will get...none of it has anything to do with HIM. Alanon is not a program for or about HIM. Read the steps. You won't see the words him, her, them, etc. You see words like I, US, WE. Other than the 7th word of the first step, you will not see the words alcoholic, alcohol, or alcoholism...this program and you getting better is not about them...it is about YOU. Hope that helps.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene