The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok I've been back in my island of origin for a year and a half. Alone with my kids. The distance has been good. I started my degree last year, got a full scholarship this year, the kids are well settled, have picked up a second language, some foo relationships have been restructured and thus restored and I have made some repairs to the house as well as some small savings. There is definitely progress. I have made a few friends.
There are some external issues with my papers this year meaning I may have to defer my scholarship for a semester. This will hurt financially but I wouldn't mind the break to work on other projects. It's cool that deferring is an option. I don't know there's this part of me that runs relentlessly on a treadmill deep down inside. There's another part that sees all as insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I am but a speck in the cosmos. I'm trying to assess where I am at right now. I'm really really tired and unhealthy. Crap diet, no exercise and not enough sleep. It is such a juggling act! What I most hate is feeling like none of my priorities are getting my full attention. There is no work life balance, its more like dragging myself from one responsibility to the next physically and leaving half my mind on the one just left, then swap when the other thing really can't be left neglected any longer without being damaged. And it's exhausting. Exhaustion is not a good operating space. At any moment I could forget something crucial and I'm aware of that. I don't know how people do this for decades.
(((a4l))) - I hear you and so understand. There was a time when I was younger that I look back on and wonder how I got through it. As I reflect, the One Day at a Time truly comes to mind! I had 2 small ones, a relapsing AH, a FT job and school - undergrad and then Masters. Everything you say was true - exhausting, juggling, etc. At the time, being less mature and still stuck in a 'perfection' mode, I pushed myself super hard and felt I was 'behind others' and 'needed to catch up'...
I wish I knew then what I know now as far as self-care and taking things easy. I don't regret it now but it was grueling at the time. I so understand the excitement of a semester off! You've accomplished so much and should be proud. Take good care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am impressed on how much you have accomplished, a4l!!! I admit, at first read, I was disappointed for you in regards to the deferment of the scholarship... but as I kept reading your post and then reading your Avatar, I am becoming to realize that perhaps your HP is providing this so that you WILL take a semester off!! Kapow!! Mind blown! LOL!
Take care of yourself, a4l!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
A continuous and disorderly process of thought is what I am urged to remind myself which is the condition I woke up to early this morning. I use prayer and meditation and deep cultural connection to keep my self still. What I just got in response as sunrise starts is the presence of a bright distant eastern star reminding me of the existence of hope for peace of mind and serenity. Back to sleep soon. ((()))
I have lived my life in a controlled chaos/survival mode. I had to laugh at myself. Things finally settle down and I feel like I am ready to trip and fall down.
Now is the time to practice self care could be the universes way of saying it's time to start living and stop surviving.
You are working it though or you wouldn't have made it this far. Good for you!!
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Ooooh this was a good 'un! I feel like I put myself in the center of a circle and all the exact perspectives I needed gently and honestly spoke to me. Thank you. Raises more to think and reflect on. As it turns out, I neglected one essential paper to progress on to my 200 levels. It's a stupid paper. Hello, I have a 3.8 GPA, taught English, worked as a journalist why do I need to do Academic English 101? But it is a compulsory one; universities and their politics. I am disappointed to have lost essentially a year from my goal, but on the other hand, I hadn't planned on starting when I did, so! Maybe I have a year in advance Deferring my scholarship will suck. No doubt. But doing so absolutely forces me to examine my motivations. See, there's also this part of over acheiving that is really addictive. And it wouldn't be if my ego wasn't compensating for a lack of self esteem. Sometimes feeding my ego is a lot easier than feeding my soul. Sometimes, I crave acceptance. Society values over work and external measures of progress. But I was determined that my law degree would be about me giving it my intellectual all, and I simply can not do that by spreading myself thinly and not even eating properly ironically when I can afford to!! I'll be back to process this thread some more. It would bother me not to keep studying. So I will do the ridiculous compulsory paper and spend the rest of this year attempting to organize the other areas of my life before hitting a full course load again next year. I think I have run hard enough to earn a little space to reflect and restructure where needed. Thank you Thank you my dear friends. Xx
Your reply reminded me of one of my favorite "newer" songs... "Circles" by Machine Heart (featuring Vanic)... check it out... it gave me much thought & strength
"Oh, like a broken light, Oh, in the darkest night... Oh, can you flip the switch on?
One more time, we're gonna get up for this, we're never gonna (run and hide) If I get tired, and say that I wanna, (change my mind) Pull me in a circle so I can change it. One more time Pull me in a circle.
I don't know where I'm going, But I know where I've been. And it's never in the knowing, It's in the not giving in,
And when the Earth is slippin', trippin' right underneath our feet Remember we're not finished, We're not finished."
YOU are enough, a4l. Keep on your path if that is what gives you joy/purpose, navigate the obstacles and embrace these opportunities given to you... You got this!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
)))