Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

AnneS · Newbie

New here

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Anne,

I'm sorry you're having to experience your AH's relapse while caring for your mother. While you can read and ask questions and participate here, you might want to also check out the online meeting/chat section here. Al-Anon's web site also lists several phone meetings, etc. that you may find useful if you cannot get out of the house an attend a face-to-face meeting.

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/

I'd also suggest getting your hands on some of the literature if you're able. You can order it online and have it shipped to you. I would recommend How Al-Anon Works to start, as well as a daily reader like One Day at a Time, Courage to Change, or Hope for Today.

ecomm.al-anon.org/ICommerce/Shop/ICommerce/Store/StoreLayouts/Home.aspx

Keep coming back. You don't need to handle all of this alone.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Anne and in support of Aloha's recommendation you can also contact your local Al-Anon Group by phone and ask what is available close to home such as members who are willing to come and talk with you. That is available to your husband also from AA yet you cannot control his drinking or not drinking. Keep coming back here because your experiences help us also. ((((hugs)))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I too send a warm welcome to you Anne! Glad you found us here @ MIP and glad that you joined in and shared. Alcoholism is a chronic disease that is never cured, yet treated through abstaining and support - AA or similar. Alcoholism is a family disease, so most/many/all who love or live with an alcoholic are usually affected. We become sick too - they obsess over the alcohol and we obsess over them and what the disease is doing to our home, family, finances, etc.

I am sorry to hear also that you are a caregiver for your mother and her disease. I hear you - what's on your plate is more than one can handle. I agree with what's been suggested - literature, local chapter for support, meetings online/phone and returning here when you can. I would also check local resources to see if your county/state offers any assistance for your mother. Our area does have many social programs that include a variety of services for cases such as hers.

You may feel alone, but you are not! While we don't 'know you', we can relate to how the disease affects family members. There is hope and help in recovery! Keep coming back!

AnneS · Newbie

Thank you everyone. I am now waiting on my book order. I think one of the hardest things has been his last two relapses happened when i went out of town. He seems to do fine when I stay home and dont go visit our daughter, who lives out of state. I know its a manipulation, but how do i leave to visit her when i know what hes going to do as soon as I leave? Thanks for listening ..

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you've got some books on the way, Anne.

Short answer to your new question about leaving knowing he'll relapse:

You cannot control it, you cannot cure it, and nothing you do or have ever done has or will ever cause it.

He's going to drink. It's what alcoholics do.

Hanging around to try and prevent a relapse puts unrealistic responsibility on your shoulders. You are not responsible for his behaviors.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Anne it was and is at this point where I looked up and into the program subject of detachng and letting go and letting God. I went to a lot of meetings and listened and learning from the others who had the same dilemma and then practiced what the were doing because I could. I wanted their results that they spoke of...the freedom and self control and holding the alcoholic/addict to her responsibilities and outcomes. My alcoholic/addict didn't make awesome startling changes and my life got calm, quiet and serene as I went about my own recovery.

I was new once too. I was new and crazy and then the crazy went away. God was that ever a blessing!! (((((hugs))))) aww

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Anne - love that you've ordered some literature! Self-care was one of the first steps that felt kind of good for me! I so hear you on the leaving town and what happens....we've had some near-death experiences when I've had to travel and it used to cause me great stress and anxiety. It is in Al-Anon that I first heard the three C(s) - I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. I also heard and have experienced first hand that if/when an alcoholic wants to drink/use, they will no matter what's going on or who's home/not.

Lastly, when I heard that I deserve to be happy, joyous and free, I laughed at the absurdity of it! I thought - if you only knew what my life was about!!! And yet, today, I truly am happy, joyous and free more often by far than not. I still am affected by the disease, and I still have my moments yet I now have tools to help me feel/deal/heal way faster than before!

Keep coming back and keep sharing. You are not alone!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

AnneS wrote:
Thank you everyone. I am now waiting on my book order. I think one of the hardest things has been his last two relapses happened when i went out of town. He seems to do fine when I stay home and dont go visit our daughter, who lives out of state. I know its a manipulation, but how do i leave to visit her when i know what hes going to do as soon as I leave? Thanks for listening ..

How do you leave? You leave. YOU cannot be the reason he stays sober. YOU cannot be the policeman, judge, jury, and his watchdog for sobriety. You are also immersed in his sobriety. Neither of you is healthy. You did not cause this, you can't control him, and YOU CANNOT CURE HIM. Not by staying home, not by leaving, not by anything. Good luck and all the best.

Find a sponsor and start working the program. It is too bad you can't get to face to face meetings. Try. Hopefully circumstances will change for you and you will be able to.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

((((AnneS))))

Sending you support b/c I know what you are feeling... I have been there. It is no way to live your life. Find a way to embrace the Three C's (mentioned above). It is my belief that until you truly ACCEPT your circumstances, his disease and behaviors, and the fact that the only one you have control over is you, it will be difficult to find peace. Everyone above is correct when they say that your spouse will drink regardless of what you do or don't do... this can be hard to accept when evidence seems to show you that he drinks when you leave town... but it is false evidence that will keep you tied down to the misery of the disease.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene