I thought I was doing so well earlier today.I have been noticing that I have been able to think of myself separately from my husband.At first when the whole thing came out about his online girlfriend and the enevitability of the marriage ending  I was nable to do that.I have been with him 36 years.Could not imagine myself without him or him without me.But I have had time to absorb this and now I am even starting to imagine going to my own place after work and how nice it will be.

Wednesday I am going to my first f2f meeting in years and looking forward to it.I told him tonite that I was going to get something to eat after work,then go to the meeting so I would be home late Wednesday.

He decides to look at my car and check the air conditioning.You see a/c is very important to me, I have always hated to be hot.He knows this.He asked me how the car was running.(bait)I said when the a/c is on it idles rough like it is going to stop.He has done nothing all day,dishes in the sink,work to be done on the house so we can sell it,grass is starting to grow.Said he didn't feel like doing anything today.(he's retired,10 yrs older than me)But he sure felt like running out to look at my a/c.After about 1/2 hour he came in and said 'the compressor bought the farm" (major bait) He has this habit of awfullizing.He always takes the worst case scenario first.That always gets a reaction out of me.He has been saying the compressor is going out on that car every summer because he knows it upsets me.But it has not gone out.The a/c worked today.If the compressor 'bought the farm' he did something to it.

As I said he held out the bait and now I jump right on the hook.I got angry and  accused him of doing something to it.I left to drive it and see if it still worked.He was upstairs on his computer laughing about something.He knows that drives me nuts when he laughs when I am upset.There have been times we would be in the middle of an argument and he would answer the phone and talk and laugh like everything was fine.I am convinced he loves to see me unhappy and angry.Could I be right? Are they THAT sick??

Well it's too cool outside to tell if my a/c was working or not.But after being so sngry and starting to cry and feel like a victim I suddenly came to my senses. I dried up.I thought.Ok, let the a/c be off(compressor too expensive right now).I can drive without it.I have before.I will live.Why am I acting like it's the end of the world?Lots of people don't have a/c.Some have it and don't use it. HOW IMPORTANT IS IT??? What is important is my sanity.What's important is maintaining contact with my higher power which I cannot do if I am upset.

I gotta tell you, the Alanon program works.I reacted,yes.But I recovered much quicker than I would have before I started coming here and to the online meetings.Now I feel good.I will probably laugh alittle myself tonite at the meeting or in chat.I am not upset.

I am working on step 1.Have been thinking about it all day.Powerlessness.Over the disease that has affected my life.I can't control it but I can cope.Thanks to God and the good people at MIP and this program.This time I am going to make it in Alanon.For me.The other times I went I was hoping if I changed he would change.Now it's me I care about changing.I am starting to get it that detachment and focusing on myself will lead me to peace.

It's so hard to separate the disease from the man.So hard.I hate the disease but I try not to hate the man.Sorry this is so long.Thanks for letting me vent.There's alittle hope here though.I can see a change in me.It's working.   Love to all of you.