The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
doing a step 10 on old stuff. I am an old man now- [or getting there fast! ]...
I would love to make up for the nightmarish existence my life was. I do belong to another 12 step programme- and this has taken the place of the clinical help I sort of expected. Having access to the internet- these days; ah'm pretty certain such help does not exist, currently.
At age 9 my dad, the A. told me he felt like killing himself. This left me feeling completely emasculated. These days I align myself with people where there was a gross breach of boundaries. Still looking for answers. My mum knew something was wrong. She did not have the skill, or the personal space to try and fish that out of me. Her words she used- despairingly- was: "chin up, chicken".
They second turning point was still pretty mild. No beatings. A whole heap of marital conflict- never resolved. In our home, about 7 pm. I am 17years old. Mum and dad come home from the pub. Mum asks our sister, aged 12 why tea isn't ready. I pipe up and say: "there's nothing here for her to cook!" Mum turned to dad- I recall this moment like it was yesterday. She said: "That boy is getting too big for his boots- you had better sort him out."
Then, a bit later me and my brother are over in our sleep-out across the yard. Dad comes over and walks in the door. It was not really scary- or threatening. It was more like "interesting". I don't think he had really spoken to either of us for years.
Anyway he told us both that is we didn't like it there we might as well f*** off. That was it. My rite of passage.
My work at school started to go to bits. I was top of the top class the previous year. That year- slipped to second. As soon as I had done my exams I got a job for two or three week in a sheep shearing gang. My mum and nana came to the school breakup- and saw me pick up my second prize. Then the following day I packed my bags and hitch-hiked out of town.
I think that some of the horror stories are best told to our sponsors. In varying details this must be the experience o many family members. Being threatened and rejected any number of times.
Before that- I think rejection came in many subtle ways... these memories still surface- and I am in a safe space now!!! And I can process those and let go.
In our country it is custom- to follow a talk with a song.
Where I grew up there was an apple orchard- down the drive by the dusty back road.
I am learning to sing this song- and play a guitar- for the first time... 'pennies on the track' is important for me... because I ended up working on a railway gang.
Thank you for sharing, David. Your shares are powerful and gets one to thinking about what we have been through in our lives and how it shaped us. The good news is that we are working to be the best versions of ourselves through this program. Thank you again!
Thank you for sharing a bit of your growing up years and the struggles. I always look forward to reading your shares because I consistently see the program in action - strength and hope.
The song is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. Learning to sing it and play it on the guitar sounds like it would be fun! I hope it brings you a lot of joy and healing. I'm inspired to try something new! :) ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
David, thank you for your share... I always enjoy reading your thoughts. Good program, insightful learning... I get a lot from them. I find them interesting on another level as well... I am not ashamed to say that I grew up in a very different way... an easier way to be sure. Each time you share something of your upbringing, I am touched by the injustice, but also inspired by how you have "raised yourself up!"
Thank you for including the beautiful song... have fun with the guitar!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Beside some people my life has been a cakewalk. That is the way sharing works- is does create a balance. ...
I tend to work the last three steps, these days. To refine what I learned in Alanon, and to pass things on- by example.
Hurting is hurting- no matter where we live, and how... and this is the main thing- to deal with.
It's Sunday here now. When I was a kid slipped through the fence- and attended the little church- just over the road from our farm.
My parents used to joke about going to "Sunday School" which was an illegal drinking school at the bar- just down the road further.
I imagined heaven being a mediterranean life- with singing and dancing. And when the family all gathered the tables were loaded with beautiful food.
Our churches came from Great Britain. Then in the 70's the churches swung around and were much more American. Being there I could see the differences.
I saw Alanon as a place where people bowed their head a little and no-one worried about the differences. I always saw steps one and two where people could examine their belief, or disbelief, without any pressure, either way. None at all.
Mahalo David for the pictures. I get to understand better and more with pictures and see and feel similarities which comforts me with understandings. I feel grateful from the sense of understanding that fear is no longer a prevalent emotion just a former emotion that I no longer need to hold on to. ((((Hugs))))
Lovely share David...I so agree that gratitude is the antidote to anger and fear. When I tell my boys about parts of my upbringing, they look at me like I have horns. They just don't realize (yet) what the disease does when passed from generation to generation. I am hopeful that the changes we make (recovery) affect a different pattern/path for the future generations. Keep doing you - you are a Miracle in Progress!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have been very blessed during this long journey in recovery and I also have been blessed with sponsorship experienced in knowing the "opposites" as I was taught. My elder sponsor Don'T set it with in me that if I didn't like how the process was coming out for me to do the opposite and gain the opposite outcome. I was taught that the opposite of anger was acceptance and the opposite of fear was love. For me this continues to work so I continue to practice and enjoy the outcomes and give the ESH away. ((((hugs))))
For me some of the hardest things to process about my childhood was the neglect and the constant abandonment
I left home early too but I didn't stay gone. At one point in my recovery I did not speak to my family for a decade.
I have triggers about my childhood on a daily basis. Those triggers no longer out me into really awful places
I will never be over working on the consequences of it. But these days when the triggers come up I dont get swallowed up in them.
It takes enormous bravery to face down the reality of being neglected and abandoned. You are most certainly a peer.
Maresie
... thanks for the affirmations. Maresie, Temple and Jerry...
I have a really good friend in AA. Long ago I spoke with his SO about Alanon. she said she did not want to open a can of worms. I respected that 100%. It is fully a personal choice. Some groups, it seems, only go past a certain point. I used to resent that- and the phrase "pity party" was always a sore point for me.
But for many people that can be a vilid form of self protection.- and tradition 4 for groups. I go back to a time before having sponsors was common- but having a one on one with a sponsor is a great option.
Now turning points, looking forward, are about grandkids growing up. And getting along to Alanon saved the family I have now... ...
...doing a Step 12 is not being a knight on a white charger... it is simply doing what y'all does- pitching in, from time to time. ...
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