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I must be crazy!! Last week I was dead set to file for divorce and leave my AH. I have been ignoring him for 3 weeks. Building my wall around me to protect me from getting hurt again and to help me keep my strength to go through w/leaving him.
THEN Friday night came. I had a really rough week. Work was rough and I was having a hard time keeping my strength up and ignoring him was taking a horrible toll on me. When he woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me to come to the bedroom (I sleep w/our daughter), I gave in. I just wanted to be held again, loved, touched. So I let him and physically it was wonderful, emotionally it scared me. He picked up on this and after much coaxing, he managed to get me to open up and talk to him. He opened up too. I let him know I was worried about him being w/other women and about diseases and losing everything. He let me know that there weren't any women involved at all, about what he does while he is gone for days at a time, how he feels physically, mentally. He talked about being ashamed and feeling guilty and worthless. He said that he WANTS to get clean. Not because he should or needs to but b/c he WANTS to. That is the key, isn't it? WANTING to get clean?
He agreed to start NA & AA meetings. He said that he doesn't want to lose me or the kids. He told me that if he did, his life wouldn't be worth anything. That he would probably just give in and give up if he lost us. I let him know how close he is and he said he knows.
So here I am at work and all I can think about is getting home & being w/him. I have spent the day thinking about how wonderful our weekend was after our talk. How I pray that he doesn't hurt me again but that I am pretty sure he will. I want to give us this chance b/c I do really love him so much. And I realize how much it was killing me to ignore him. Geez....what am I suppose to do. I am scared he can't get straight. I am scared that he is going to go a month again w/out using but then it is going to hit him like a truck and he is going to binge. I am afraid of what that is going to do to me, to him, to our kids.
I just don't know what I am doing. I hoped that talking about it would help me figure it out but it hasn't. Maybe y'alls input will help. Maybe not. Maybe I will always be confused as to what I am suppose to do. Maybe I will always be lost b/c of my love for this man and hate for his addictions.
I can not hug you enough!!!!!! I know who confusing and scary this must be for you! My husband is an addict/alcoholic. He has never left me on any kind of binge, but I know that if he continues it really is just a matter of time!
The time we have with them when they are "clean and sober" is so wonderful. My husband went into rehab last year. He was completely sober for about 3 months then went downhill. He started with drinking then he mangaged to quit that, but had already gone back to the drugs. The drugs have apparently gotten pretty bad, I try really hard not to keep a track of it--though I do find myself going through his things to see if there is anything he has pawned, or if there are any crushed cans that he has used to smoke something (this is my disease-letting it control me). I found the book "Getting Them Sober" to be so comforting to me. I am so sad about my husband using though he usually is not abusive toward me--rude definitely, but he has not ever physically harmed me, the money stays tight, but he has found ways to scrounge up what he needs without taking back what he gives me from his income. I find the saying "he is hurting himself so much more than I ever could" helpful to myself. I remind myself that he is sick and he is dying, especially when he uses. We have good days, and I truly treasure those days and try hard to not focus on what if's--this can bring me down into deep despair. I know that what he does is not because he wants to he just sees no other way the "demon" has him.
I don't know what you will be able to live with. I don't know how long I will be able to live this way. I know that he loves me and I love him. I wish for him a long sober life. I wish that he could find the joy of truly living and being loved by someone-me!
I settle for every good moment I have with him and try to find ways to make it through the bad moments--staying out of the line of fire--cleaning, reading, posting here. I hope that it will get easier with time.
I'm not sure I have said anything to help, but I was trying. I just want you to know you are not alone. You have to take care of you and if you truly can't live there with him anymore than you need to get out, you need to not feel guilty and do what you have to do, but if you want to stay, if you can still see the good in your husband and can love those moments (that's what they are moments--they may get to be more and closer together, he may truly get sober--but you will still be taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time) and be thankful for each moment you have with him and decide that, that is how you want to try it you will get support either way from people here!!!
If you are confused--take your time, do not rush into a decision. You will know when it is time!
((((Hi QOD)))) It's so painful and confusing, isn't it?! I remember going back and forth like that for a long time with my A husband of several years ago, and then, even four years after we divorced, I got into another equally addictive relationship with another guy who played the same games of needing me so much he would do anything to keep me, but he still went out and drank and womanized! It's a cunning, baffling, powerful disease, and I had to realise that my codependency was just as cunning, baffling and powerful! I had to work the program hard for a few yaers and pray a LOT and do lots of practice with detachment until I was finally free of my own relationship addiction! Because I could really SEE it by then.
I shuddered a bit when I read that part in your letter about him saying how much he doesn't want to lose you and the kids. In a sense, I'm sure that's true--but the disease is so manipulative, and you probably know already that he's saying what you WANT to hear--or could be!
Do some good things for yourself, and be gentle with yourself as you go through this process. Sometimes it is just a matter of time before things get clear enough to know what to do. The program works, and that's something you can focus on for yourself.
You are not crazy! I think with all the horror stories... all the venting... all the wishing and praying for a new way of life sometimes we forget... We all love these people? Wouldn't piss us off if we didn't, right?
Storm out the door, never look back... that would be easy with someone we don't care about.
We all care for the A's in our lives. We love them, or we never would have gotten to this point in our lives IMHO.
Please don't feel bad that you have feelings for someone you love.
I am going through this right now. Out of months of fighting we have a 2 or 3 day period at a time where she is so scared that she wants to agree to anything, and will say anything. She is terrified of being alone.
She doesn't agree with me going to Al-Anon, it scares her that I might get better and not want her anymore. So to counteract that ... she wants to leave. <sigh>
I don't have any answers, only prayers and some validation that it's ok to love the ones you love. May not mean that you should stay, but stay or go you don't have to act like you don't love them. That would be a lie in most cases.
Take care of you!
- r
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
First of all I can tell you that divorce is never easy. People do it all of the time, and survive it, but I can tell you it is a horrible and gut wrenching experience that effects your life forever.
Sometimes it is worth all of this pain though, only you can decide that for yourself.
I have been through one horrible contested divorce that involved children and so I know what I am talking about.
No matter how miserable it was ultimately, and how much it cost both financially and emotionally, it was worth it.
I guess the thing that made the difference was that I stuck with it as long as I had any doubts. If he seemed like he was sorry and things had not crossed my bottom line, I tried to work things out with him.
Of course the time came when my bottom line was violated. Concrete proof of cheating (along with physical abuse, abusing drugs and alcohol andnot paying any bills, and on and on). Then I proceeded with my divorce plans, and never looked back.
It meant the world to me and my recovery to have no regrets, I knew there was absolutely no hope. I am glad I did that.
You are not crazy to change your mind and decide you want to try again.
YOU will be the one losing quite a lot financially, or even everything, you will have to be the one to deal with your children's pain and questions and guilt they may put on you, and you will have to start over, and you will be the one dealing with your EX. Also remember that in a divorce your husband will likely get visitation with your children, without you around. If he continues to drink, he may drink and drive with them, and leave them unsupervised to go on drinking binges and chase after women. It is not easy to move on and heal when you are trying to catch him being irresponsible so you can get his visitation terminated.
As long as you have children your EX will be in your life as long as they are alive. If they are under age you will deal with them quite often. You will never get rid of him, and he may be angry and out to hurt you. Even when your kids are grown he may be at weddings and graduation.
Even though my experience is unique, my EX stalked me for more than a decade and made my life a living nightmare. I have met many other women with similar circumstances. Addicted men are often emotionally unstable and prone to these types of behavior.
My point is that divorce solves some problems and creates others. If you decide on divorce, at least go into it with your eyes open. Decide which is worse, as there will be problems either way.
Don't be too pessimistic either. He may get help and get sober, he may not. Just be ready for anything.
Don't beat yourself up for considering all your options. In my book that makes you smart to reconsider when you see reasons to. It is foolish to rush headfirst into life changing decisions without lots and lots of deep pondering and reflection.
Hello, QOD, Thank you for sharing so honestly with us. That is a great start. You love an alcoholic/addict. We can all relate to that here. What you do for yourself, the choices you make are yours, and nothing is lost. You can learn from whatever choices you make. Like all of us, you are doing the very best you can do. This sounds as if it is a confusing and difficult time for you, and our hearts go out to you, because we know what living with the disease of alcoholism is like. After awhile, it makes us sick, too.
The only ESH I can offer is to make sure you take care of yourself by finding a face to face meeting where you feel comfortable, and where there is real good program: where people share their experience, strength and hope with the group. At that meeting, find someone whose program you admire, and ask that person to be your sponsor. If she says no, don't take it personally! One great thing about people who are in the program and who are working the program is that they will tell you the truth. If they have the time, they will say yes, if not, they will say no. At the meeting, get a list of phone numbers. Use them when you are upset and confused. Learning to pick up the phone is a sign of our recovery. Then, work the Steps with your sponsor. The 12 Steps work miracles in our lives, through the power of our higher power. But you have to be able to do the work. That's your choice.
We value your posting here because it reminds us all of what our lives have been like. It helps us with our own program. I need to be reminded today of what working the Program has done for me. Blessings to you, QOD. mebjk
No one can tell another whether to stay or go, only they know and most of the time that isn't true.
I don't believe in giving up on a marriage unitil there is absolutely no hope left or we are sure we absolutely can't take any more.
You have to be sure what is rght for you. If we could stop loving them, life would be so easy, but it doesn't work that way.
If you feel the right thing is to give it another chance then you have to do what you think is right.
Divorce is painful no matter how ready we are. It is even worse if we aren't ready.
I hope and pray that this time he means it, but keep the focus on you. Alcoholics make promises and often can't keep them, keep working on you and taking care of you. Leave his recovery to his HP.
You are NOT crazy, you are living with an A!!!! It is horrible to have to make a decision like that and no one can tell you which way to go. Whatever you end up doing, I sincerely hope it is the right decision for YOU. Best wishes,
Can't really add much to help you, but just wanted to repeat - it's OK to feel your feelings. You love him, it's all right to want to be with him sometimes. None of the things alanon teaches us to do are about punishing the A. We do need to detach, in order to protect ourselves, but we detach WITH love. He is not doing all of this to hurt you, he is hurting himself more. You may need to get right away from him in order to save your own life and sanity, and that of your kids, but that doesn't mean you can't love him, through it all.
I hope as you have read all the responses to your postings you see a few common responses.. You my friend are not CRAZY.. Living with an alcoholic is Insanity... !!
I feel for you and the place that you are today.. I took my children and left last year and was gone about a month then returned to the same... " I want to get help"... " I cant lose you and the kids " The end result, it lasted only a short time then right back into the drinking. They want to change, i believe they really do want to .. This disease is horrible it destroys everything it touches..
A few wise Alanon friends told me this once..
* You are where you are suppose to be. * You will know when it is right to walk away dont be to quick to decide what is right for the rest of your life... * Dont make any life changing decisions until you have been in alanon for at least 6 months. * Protect yourself and your children.. You can do this without leaving and lastly...
Be good to yourself.. You are a human in love with someone who has a terrible disease.. Try to focus on you and things that you can do to change your behaviors, actions and thoughts... It is amazing how different things look when you turn the focus onto you.. Reality is that he may NEVER stop drinking. The choice is yours whether you want to remain in the marriage or not.
Keep praying, keep posting and you will find your way..We are all here with you to support you along the way.
QOD, May I say I would be confused too if I based all my happiness on a very sick person.
For me the key was to not base anything on the A. NOT anything. I just love him. No expectations not wondering if he is drunk or on heroin.
I never based if I wanted a divorce or not on his disease, whether he used or not whether he drove drunk or not.
All I knew was I wanted to be around him when he was appropriate, and if and when he became a butt, out the door he went.
I believe your husband means what he says. I bet he wants to feel happy with you. But sadly the craving for what he uses is stronger. Unless he can get to 90 meetings in 90 days and develop and live his program the disease is against him.
Just the fact he told ya all he did, will make him want the alcohol more. All of a sudden it might be taken away from him. Makes the disease work harder to make him use.
What do you mean he agreed? Of course they know what the answer is. Of course they will agree they want it. They do. But that does not mean the disease is not stronger than their desire to quit.
That is more the key, the disease with its horrible Aisms must be worse than getting sober and on a program for them.
I cringed when I read your post. I felt omg she is setting herself up. I have been there hon. Probably a hundred times. It feels so good,sometimes for a month or two, then all of a sudden they say something or they do something and ya realize the roller coaster is on its way down.
This is what makes me not base my relationship with the A on whether he uses or not. It is not my problem. If he goes to rehab fine. if he relapses, whatever. Becuz relapse is a part of it all.
For me I loved him so much that I realized divorce would not end how I felt. Also I don't believe in divorce unless they commit adultery. Plus the Bible says the creator hates divorce.
I used to have him here, it was for long periods then they got shorter and shorter. I mean the A I loved would be there just so long then the A that was so awful would take over. Went thru years of this. I watched as the disease killed more and more of my husband, my best friend, my lover, my budi. I cannot be around him one minute now.
I don't think about him going to rehab or wanting to stop. I have heard it all. I have seen the outcome. These sad A's are very, very sick people. I just wanted to love him as long as I could, be around him when I could.
Even if he gets sober in jail, which he will, my A will maybe even sorta be him. He could go to AA do his 90 in 90, and on and on. It no longer matters to me. Because the fact is I have seen what relapse is, chances are it will come again. The bigger question is, do I want to be with him until it starts getting bad again.
I hope I did not say too much. I sure understand, we see and feel a flash of the person we love and we cannot wait to see them again. But sadly sooner or later they will disappear and the disease will be there.
There us nothing wrong with giving your family a chance, but as a wise man taught me early on, watch the actions not the words. I have never forgotten that.
Two days before I left, my A asked me to stay, he did it with a beer in his hand! That was an easy call for me because I had that ingrained in my brain for the last year of the program.
Thats like asking me to marry him with another woman on his arm. LOL
WATCH THE ACTIONS NOT THE WORDS.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
what can u do ? well u can lead the way to recovery by going to meetings for yourself if your not already a member of f2f alanon, he may just follow to AA ya never know. Lower your expectations and look after your own needs he says he is ready but until he picks up that phone and makes contact it's only talk . Watch what he does not what he says.
The alcoholic will do and say anything to get us off thier backs and out of thier face, so don't be too dissapointed if he dosent follow thru on his promise , i believe they mean it at the time but this damn disease tells them it's okay .
And your not crazy if u love him u want it to work . period - as long as we continue to enable nothing will chnge for them and we only get more frustrated. Allow him the dignity to grow up and take responsibility for his own life while u get on with yours. and with the help of friends and a sponsor you dont have to leave your marriage to do that.... good luck Louise
THANK YOU ALL SO VERY VERY MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSES. I don't know if any of you will get this post in response to all of yours.....but I just wanted to say thanks!!!
I have taken ALL of your words to heart. Your experiences and advice help me to feel more connected. It is just so hard. I will try to take one day at a time as advised & to "Watch the actions not the words".
I am just so tired of being so down in the dumps. And tired of pretending that I am NOT down in the dumps for other peoples benefit. I mean, who wants to be around someone who is so emotional all of the time. I am pretending to be strong for the kids too. But like last night, I had such a hard day @ work. And my A was having problems w/the water heater & was having to buy & install a new one last night....I just wanted to cry my eyes out....I told him that I couldn't take any more things to go wrong...no more stress. And then I felt bad b/c I knew he was stressing about the water heater & getting the floor replaced and so on (I could see the stress in his face) and then I was unloading my stress on him too....I quickly bit my tongue & figured I would just have to deal w/it on my own.
One day at a time - right? Thanks again everyone. I thank God everyday that I have found y'all, my friends, my support, my family.
I don't think you are crazy. Yes the people we love are addicts, but they are still special people to us. Wanting to get clean is the desire for normalcy, putting sobriety into action and working the program is the key. You will never be able to predict the next time he uses, if he will use, what will it be like, and you can make yourself crazy if you keep focusing on those fears. I have gotten a good healthy dose of what fear can do this past weekend. It can be crippling to focus on the fear of what the addict will or will not do. Focus on you, enjoy the time you have him sober. We cannot make our "a's" do anything. They can talk and talk but if there is no action behind those words, they become just empty words.
You wrote he will probably hurt me again. Maybe that is true, I don't think its realistic to believe he would never hurt you again. The behaviors that accompany the "a" can be really hurtful. I can understand being scared about him binging and going out with other woman, take it one step at a time. If you see the action behind the words take it slow and see what happens. Your lucky you have program and people around to support you to get you through these confusing times. I don't believe things stay confusing, HP will bring clarity to each situation. Stay strong and I hope things work out.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Almost two years ago my A was hurting me all the time, I was a mess! I got so angry one night after one of his binges that I threw a cordless phone at him. It hit him and I went to jail. The DV laws here are tough, as our police chief shot his ex-wife and himself a couple years ago. Anyway, the court ordered me into counseling......it has helped immensely....as I didn't know all the things I was doing, being hurt over and over I too started putting up walls, isolating myself, and hurting......the book "The language of letting go" has helped me too. I am still with my A, although he was sober for over two months he is drinking again. He has done the same stuff repeatedly, but now I have better coping skills, and know how to take care of myself. I wish you luck with your A, I truely know what it is like to love one and want them to love me without the alcohol coming first. Hang in there, be gentle with yourself.
